If you are only comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

You end it? What am I missing? You try to have a relationship, and if you don’t like it you break up.

I'm with this person. So what? You are exclusive for 2 months or 3 months and find out you aren't compatible and then end it. Easy. Ug. I don't want to be sleeping with somebody who is sleeping with somebody else.

Not PP but it all sounds like a bit of mental gymnastics. You have married women whose husband's are sleeping with someone else, you think calling a relationship "exclusive" after a couple of months is going to protect you from that? Especially if you'd have no qualms breaking up after a few weeks if the sex is bad, and presumably he won't either, "exclusivity" doesn't mean much at all. Not to mention any woman who gets extremely attached after sex isnt going to change just because the sex is bad, she'll hang in there suffering and trying to make it better. Some women put too much stock in the exclusivity word early on and end up with the same hurt feelings at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

I think people are mixing up exclusive and forever. Exclusive simply means that the 2 participants in sex are not at the same time dating and or sleeping with other people. If either sex aprtner wants to see someone else, that's fine, but just have the courtesy to nreak up first.

Exclusive might or might not turn into marriage. It might last a year or a month. If you are exclusive with someone and the sex is bad, breakup. Exclusive is just serial monogamy. people who object to being exclusive while having sex are basically not interested in monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are mixing up exclusive and forever. Exclusive simply means that the 2 participants in sex are not at the same time dating and or sleeping with other people. If either sex aprtner wants to see someone else, that's fine, but just have the courtesy to nreak up first.

Exclusive might or might not turn into marriage. It might last a year or a month. If you are exclusive with someone and the sex is bad, breakup. Exclusive is just serial monogamy. people who object to being exclusive while having sex are basically not interested in monogamy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are mixing up exclusive and forever. Exclusive simply means that the 2 participants in sex are not at the same time dating and or sleeping with other people. If either sex aprtner wants to see someone else, that's fine, but just have the courtesy to nreak up first.

Exclusive might or might not turn into marriage. It might last a year or a month. If you are exclusive with someone and the sex is bad, breakup. Exclusive is just serial monogamy. people who object to being exclusive while having sex are basically not interested in monogamy.

+1

And if someone doesn’t want to be exclusive then they aren’t that into you.

[Anonymous]

Not very attractive, very horny woman here who has never had sex outside of an exclusive relationship(or atleast I was pretty much assured that it was exclusive).

It does take longer to find the right guy, but the guy will come.

Just stick to your guns OP, and give it more time.

[Anonymous]

you need to sense whether the relationship is "exclusive", "has legs" "is going somewhere" rather than ask about it and explicitly condition sex upon it.

don't have sex until you feel it's exclusive but keep the guy guessing. if he likes you he will stay around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

You end it? What am I missing? You try to have a relationship, and if you don’t like it you break up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

You end it? What am I missing? You try to have a relationship, and if you don’t like it you break up.

I'm with this person. So what? You are exclusive for 2 months or 3 months and find out you aren't compatible and then end it. Easy. Ug. I don't want to be sleeping with somebody who is sleeping with somebody else.

seriously
when did this become normal?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are mixing up exclusive and forever. Exclusive simply means that the 2 participants in sex are not at the same time dating and or sleeping with other people. If either sex aprtner wants to see someone else, that's fine, but just have the courtesy to nreak up first.

Exclusive might or might not turn into marriage. It might last a year or a month. If you are exclusive with someone and the sex is bad, breakup. Exclusive is just serial monogamy. people who object to being exclusive while having sex are basically not interested in monogamy.

+1

And if someone doesn’t want to be exclusive then they aren’t that into you.

That may be true or they may just not be into monogamy either at the moment or at all. I don’t think you have to take it as a personal insult when a person won’t agree to exclusivity. But, I do think you have to respect their decision as much as you respect your own needs. Two people who aren’t on the same page about this shouldn’t be sleeping together; it’s not an area to compromise in.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried changing your terms. Instead of saying i’m Looking for exclusivity, maybe saying i’m Not willing to sleep with someone who is currently sleeping with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I think in general a recently divorced guy does not want to be an another exclusive relationship anytime soon. You probably want to screen at least 2-3 years post divorce. The fact that you would like to get married someday is likely a turnoff to someone that has just gotten out of a marriage. Some of my female friends have divorced with kids and I would say it’s 50/50 if they ever want to remarry and first year post divorce no one wanted a serious relationship.

I guess for OP, have you ever been married? Do you have kids, want kids, willing to be a step mom? There may be some compatibility issues around want you want and want these guys want long-term. So I would say exclusivity is weeding out the guys that you aren’t on the same page long term but you should be doing more of that before the questions of sex and exclusivity are coming up. You are assuming it’s all about sex but I think it really is about finding the guy that wants the same things that you want in life. If the guy never wants to remarry or would wait until his 5 year old is out the house at 18, it doesn’t matter if you are exclusive or not because you don’t want the same things. Why would you even want to ask him to be exclusive? If it’s just to have sex with someone in a monogamous relationship that you know will go no where, what’s the point? Usually the sex with someone you are comfortable with that will go nowehere is a FWB type relationship or people have a one off with an ex. I’m not saying to go out and just start sleeping with guys hoping it would lead to exclusivity, rather take a closer look at who you are want to date exclusively and make sure you aren’t just making the push because of your high sex drive when they actually are not a good match for you for a long-term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried changing your terms. Instead of saying i’m Looking for exclusivity, maybe saying i’m Not willing to sleep with someone who is currently sleeping with other people?

This ends up being a technicality because a guy could have had a ONS or date 2 that he slept with the day before this conversation and in his mind it’s not exclusive so he doesn’t know that he would sleep with them again. So check, not currently sleeping with anyone else. Starts sleeping with you. Goes out on a date 2 months later and starts sleeping with new girl and it “just heppened”. Does he have the honesty to immediately say he slept with another person the previous night? And would he tell you even if he didn’t plan to see her again? Would it hurt more or less to have it happen that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I think in general a recently divorced guy does not want to be an another exclusive relationship anytime soon. You probably want to screen at least 2-3 years post divorce. The fact that you would like to get married someday is likely a turnoff to someone that has just gotten out of a marriage. Some of my female friends have divorced with kids and I would say it’s 50/50 if they ever want to remarry and first year post divorce no one wanted a serious relationship.

I guess for OP, have you ever been married? Do you have kids, want kids, willing to be a step mom? There may be some compatibility issues around want you want and want these guys want long-term. So I would say exclusivity is weeding out the guys that you aren’t on the same page long term but you should be doing more of that before the questions of sex and exclusivity are coming up. You are assuming it’s all about sex but I think it really is about finding the guy that wants the same things that you want in life. If the guy never wants to remarry or would wait until his 5 year old is out the house at 18, it doesn’t matter if you are exclusive or not because you don’t want the same things. Why would you even want to ask him to be exclusive? If it’s just to have sex with someone in a monogamous relationship that you know will go no where, what’s the point? Usually the sex with someone you are comfortable with that will go nowehere is a FWB type relationship or people have a one off with an ex. I’m not saying to go out and just start sleeping with guys hoping it would lead to exclusivity, rather take a closer look at who you are want to date exclusively and make sure you aren’t just making the push because of your high sex drive when they actually are not a good match for you for a long-term relationship.

Best post in this thread that cuts to the heart of the issue.

This is more than just about exclusivity and sex; it's about OP dating guys who are not in the same place in life as her. And this is why I said OP needs to aim for (1.) guy her age who are single and never married or (2.) older men who have been divorced a while (i.e. more than 4 or 5 years). A guy just out of a marriage is not likely to become exclusive or want a kid any time soon. Those are the facts on the ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried changing your terms. Instead of saying i’m Looking for exclusivity, maybe saying i’m Not willing to sleep with someone who is currently sleeping with other people?

This ends up being a technicality because a guy could have had a ONS or date 2 that he slept with the day before this conversation and in his mind it’s not exclusive so he doesn’t know that he would sleep with them again. So check, not currently sleeping with anyone else. Starts sleeping with you. Goes out on a date 2 months later and starts sleeping with new girl and it “just heppened”. Does he have the honesty to immediately say he slept with another person the previous night? And would he tell you even if he didn’t plan to see her again? Would it hurt more or less to have it happen that way?

this is a technicality only if you want to keep dating other people and are looking for excuses.

either you want to exclusively want to date OP or not. until you are not sure there is no sex with OP. it's really not that hard.