If you are only comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I more suspect these divorced guys have emerged from a marriage where the wife lost all interest in sex which is obviously a disincentive for sexually exclusivity. Given that non-married men have so many sexual options, far more than they ever experienced back before marriage, it is understandable why some might not rush back into a sexual exclusive commitment.

Op here. This is depressing. Are these men frequently successful at getting women to sleep with them with no commitment or promise of exclusivity? I literally have zero friends who are willing to sleep with men without first having a conversation about making sure they're on the same page about not sleeping with other people - for health reasons, if nothing else. Are there a lot of women who are like "sure, I'll sleep with you even though your profile is still up and you may be having sex with others"? And the women truly don't care that the men are sleeping around? I would love to know statistically what's really happening. As opposed to guys on the internet just posting that "yeah this is normal just deal" which I suspect may be them trying to convince women they have to put up with this BS.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing OP, but I'm a woman who doesn't demand exclusivity before sex because I won't know if I want to be exclusive with a guy until after we've had sex- it's part of the decision making process for me. Exclusivity typically follows soon after though.
I think there is room for everyone to date in a way that works for them without disparaging anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

Yes. Get married and then 5-10 years later get divorced and start dating again.

Speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

You know what’s more depressing? Pretending to be casual when what you really desired was commitment. I have single gfs who pretend to carefree about sex, but then get their feelings hurt when they find out that he’s still talking to other women. The difference is that they don’t feel empowered to admit that they desired more and feared running a man off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

Yes. Get married and then 5-10 years later get divorced and start dating again.

Speaking from experience here.

LOL, seriously. This is many of my friends and colleagues right now - both men and women. They went into their starter marriage with a "low number" and quickly made up for lost time once separated. By the time the divorce is finalized, they've easily doubled their pre-marriage number of partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

You know what’s more depressing? Pretending to be casual when what you really desired was commitment. I have single gfs who pretend to carefree about sex, but then get their feelings hurt when they find out that he’s still talking to other women. The difference is that they don’t feel empowered to admit that they desired more and feared running a man off.

Agree. Be true to yourself OP. That’s the important part here. Dating is hard and not fun mostly, but when you find a good guy it’ll have been worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are doing everything right. And it is working. It is weeding out the guys you shouldn't be with. Have faith. Good luck.

I agree. I know a great guy, and his attitude has been "don't do anything for me that you wouldn't be comfortable with," "no rush," "patience." A week ago he floated the idea of a threesome, and I said "I'm uptight, I don't know the other woman and it takes me a while to feel comfortable." His answer was, "I'm at ease quickly, but I understand that some people need time to open up. And it's important to allow time/space to grow."

The thing I love about this guy is that the patience is a reflection of his empathy, understanding, kindness. OP, I think you're on the right track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing OP, but I'm a woman who doesn't demand exclusivity before sex because I won't know if I want to be exclusive with a guy until after we've had sex- it's part of the decision making process for me. Exclusivity typically follows soon after though.
I think there is room for everyone to date in a way that works for them without disparaging anyone.

+1. I get that you’re frustrated, OP, but no need to bag on others’ approaches. Different strokes and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

This is the tinder effect. It's all guys. Sex is for the taking now. No work needed. Guys don't want to commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

This is the tinder effect. It's all guys. Sex is for the taking now. No work needed. Guys don't want to commit.

Not all of us.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have sex with a guy just because you think it will keep him around. That's like buying a house in the city when you would really prefer living in the country and then hoping the city just goes away because you bought a house there. I truly believe that some men use online dating as a means to get sex, the "dating" is just a polite way to get there. These are probably the same men who would be sleeping with the secretaries (think Mad Men) or visiting the cat houses if those were regarded as viable options.
If I were you op, I'd only date men who had time to actually spend time with you. No random "I'm going out of town and don't know when I'll be back" no, "I can only see you for lunch" no "quick coffee or drink" dates. Anybody can get out of the house for those events and they are low investment. The dates don't have to be expensive, but they do need to be where the two of you can talk. If you aren't sure what to talk about, I would suggest you read books about whatever interests you. Try starting a conversation about the books and see where it goes. If he can't muster any interest or direct the topic to someplace else, that's a bad sign. Pay attention to what they say and decide if their responses are those of someone you'd like to see again. For example, if you like baseball, you probably don't want to date someone who thinks that sports is a waste of money. They don't have to love sports, but you don't want to be with someone who pees all over it when you say "Wow, wasn't that pitch incredible!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have sex with a guy just because you think it will keep him around. That's like buying a house in the city when you would really prefer living in the country and then hoping the city just goes away because you bought a house there. I truly believe that some men use online dating as a means to get sex, the "dating" is just a polite way to get there. These are probably the same men who would be sleeping with the secretaries (think Mad Men) or visiting the cat houses if those were regarded as viable options.
If I were you op, I'd only date men who had time to actually spend time with you. No random "I'm going out of town and don't know when I'll be back" no, "I can only see you for lunch" no "quick coffee or drink" dates. Anybody can get out of the house for those events and they are low investment. The dates don't have to be expensive, but they do need to be where the two of you can talk. If you aren't sure what to talk about, I would suggest you read books about whatever interests you. Try starting a conversation about the books and see where it goes. If he can't muster any interest or direct the topic to someplace else, that's a bad sign. Pay attention to what they say and decide if their responses are those of someone you'd like to see again. For example, if you like baseball, you probably don't want to date someone who thinks that sports is a waste of money. They don't have to love sports, but you don't want to be with someone who pees all over it when you say "Wow, wasn't that pitch incredible!"

This just assumes OP is more desperate than I think she has portrayed herself as. First dates should have the option of being short and sweet for OP's sake! Yes, if there is a connection after that, you want to make sure the person is willing to invest time and interest, but the fella is just as likely to bore OP and then she's stuck on some long ass date with him.

[Anonymous]

I truly believe that some men use online dating as a means to get sex, the "dating" is just a polite way to get there

Uh, and water is wet. Everything is a polite way to get sex! You marry a woman you want to have sex with for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

You end it? What am I missing? You try to have a relationship, and if you don’t like it you break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's reasonable to expect a guy in his 40's to commit to an exclusive relationship until after he has had sex with someone at least a few times. What if he commits to an exclusive relationship and the sex is bad? I don't sleep with a guy until at least the third date and only if I really like him. If the sex is great then exclusivity might soon come up.

You end it? What am I missing? You try to have a relationship, and if you don’t like it you break up.

I'm with this person. So what? You are exclusive for 2 months or 3 months and find out you aren't compatible and then end it. Easy. Ug. I don't want to be sleeping with somebody who is sleeping with somebody else.