Tell me how to tell my MIL she’s delusional without hurting her feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that your MIL is just a very egocentric person. She makes suggestions that would be helpful for her to get her ideal world--one in which her son and grandchildren live close to her and she could see them as often as she wants. She's so focused on this that she doesn't see how insensitive or unrealistic her suggestions are.

So, your husband needs to talk to his mother, gently, about her expectations. Due to her state of mind, it can't be one conversation and done, that won't work. He needs to constantly remind her that your work is "here" (wherever you live) and that you as a family are not moving closer and that you'll visit when you can, but that if she wants to see the grandkids more, she'll need to plan some trips out to see you.

As for her suggestion of having Larla come and stay with her for a few months, let your husband tell her that you aren't ready for Larla to be away from the two of you for that amount of time and that if she can't come and help out at your place, then you'll make other arrangements and she can visit with Larla sometime after the wedding.

FYI, there is really no way for you to convince her that her dream world is not going to happen and there is no point being rude to her to try and forestall additional unreasonable suggestions. She won't take it from you and you'll only damage your family relationship with her if you try. You need to get your husband to talk to his mother. If she can be convinced, it will be by her son, not from his wife.

OP here. Thank you for your input. Your post sums up my feelings well.

I agree that it's totally reasonable and understandable for grandparents to want to live closer to their children and grandchildren. I grew up with my grandparents nearby and enjoyed close, transformative relationships with them. I wouldn't want to deny my child the chance to have great relationships with my or DH's parents.

Perhaps I am angry, but I feel more annoyed than anything else. MIL's persistence in trying to get us to move to her city and offering "answers" and assumptions for how to make it happen seems overbearing and inconsiderate of DH's and my ability to handle our lives on our own. My parents would love for us to move to their city as well, but they're not pushy about it, nor would they think I'd ever send my child there for a season.

No snark intended, but seriously if you feel this way, the LAST thing you should be doing is reaching out for help (for example, for babysitting). Reach out to your own parents for help, or hire someone, but don't ask anything of her if you feel like deep down she feels you two aren't handling things independently. Don't give her any additional reasons to believe that!

[Anonymous]

wow there are some insane women here. I have a MIL from hell and I am shocked at the responses some are suggesting.

this is no opportunity to educate your MIL... just thank you for the offer and way your mom will help. no need to discuss the appropriatnea of your child spending her whole summer ther. it will never happen so why discuss it?

[Anonymous]

She's not "delusional" op, some people actually do this. In your case, just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

Good god, you're a total bitch. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

Good god, you're a total bitch. What's wrong with you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

Oh who cares? Intrusive/undermining?? I’d just decline and be on my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

It's possible that this was MIL's way of getting herself off the hook for any future babysitting requests from Op. No need to say "no" if you aren't asked in the first place, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

Oh who cares? Intrusive/undermining?? I’d just decline and be on my way.

OK. Sure. If you asked a neighbor for a ride across town, and she said yes and she'd also be happy to drive you to California, you wouldn't think anything of it. Uh huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

Oh who cares? Intrusive/undermining?? I’d just decline and be on my way.

OK. Sure. If you asked a neighbor for a ride across town, and she said yes and she'd also be happy to drive you to California, you wouldn't think anything of it. Uh huh.

Or if you asked a neighbor to pick up your child from school on Friday and your neighbor said "Yes, I'll pick him up for you. I'm going out of town this weekend so I'll drop him off at your house when we get back on Sunday night".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

I don't care that it's intrusive, and I wouldn't see it as undermining because I don't have a chip on my shoulder about my competence. I would simply say no, perhaps not ask them to babysit again, and move on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

Good god, you're a total bitch. What's wrong with you?

+1

+100
How powerless and insecure do you feel that you'd have to stick it to an "elderly" woman like that? You're a big girl, you're allowed to say no now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

Oh who cares? Intrusive/undermining?? I’d just decline and be on my way.

OK. Sure. If you asked a neighbor for a ride across town, and she said yes and she'd also be happy to drive you to California, you wouldn't think anything of it. Uh huh.

it's not that I wouldn't think anything about it but I would keep things simple (decline) and not ask that person again. my own MIL (who lives abroad) suggested multiple times that my small kids spend the summer with her. it was not even prompted by any request for childcare help. i said no and moved on. l see no point in proving to her how delusional she is to think this would happen or that I would ever part with small children for such a long period. just don't do it.