Tell me how to tell my MIL she’s delusional without hurting her feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

Hi, MIL,

That's not what happened. Op asked for help for one weekend and MIL responded by offering to take the child from his home and parents for three months.

some parents would consider that a favor. take it or leave it; lectures are entirely unnecessary and counterproductive

Oh, please. Would you or would you not find it intrusive and undermining if you had a conversation with your MIL that went like this:

"Jean, I have a work event on Tuesday night; would you mind staying with Junior and cooking dinner for him?"

"Yes, Deborah, I will do that. I also can watch him for the full holiday season, and will cook your Thanksgiving meal for you as well."

I don't care that it's intrusive, and I wouldn't see it as undermining because I don't have a chip on my shoulder about my competence. I would simply say no, perhaps not ask them to babysit again, and move on with my life.

+1
some women (oP clearly among them) feel that must beat their MILs into submission to feel good about their own parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

Good god, you're a total bitch. What's wrong with you?

+1

+100
How powerless and insecure do you feel that you'd have to stick it to an "elderly" woman like that? You're a big girl, you're allowed to say no now.

Agree you should say "Thanks but no thanks" and not try to explain how weird her suggestion is to you. I'm sure that this "elderly" woman knew exactly what she was asking and how it would come across. Op should just thank her for her offer, say she already has childcare lined up and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

Good god, you're a total bitch. What's wrong with you?

+1

No need to go nuclear. This response is totally inappropriate, nasty, and makes you look like a totally insecure and controlling b***.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your reaction is ridiculous. Just say no. Pretty simple.

+1 you asked for help and she offered. Poor MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

I don't think you're over-reacting.
Yes, she IS crazy, and I didn't need that follow-up to understand this about her, unlike other cranky poster in this thread.
Just say no, because you can't argue or reason with crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

No. That’s weird. It is not normal to fill the conversation by saying you’ll be caring for the infant full time. There’s plenty to talk about without “filling the conversation” with lies like that. I am not some hyper honest person but I find it incredibly bizarre to make up a lie to “fill the conversation”. I wouldn’t take it super seriously but I’d tell dad he wasn’t watching the baby and should probably stop lying about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

Ha. I'll bet if Op casually dropped a comment like "Oh, I've been looking around at assisted living places to move MIL into...." having never discussed anything of the kind with her independent and active MIL, that would go over like a led balloon with her MIL.

It's not cool to imply things that aren't true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

Ha. I'll bet if Op casually dropped a comment like "Oh, I've been looking around at assisted living places to move MIL into...." having never discussed anything of the kind with her independent and active MIL, that would go over like a led balloon with her MIL.

It's not cool to imply things that aren't true.

nobody is saying it's cool - it's stupid and shouldn't be done but to obsess about it afterwards is even stupider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

Ha. I'll bet if Op casually dropped a comment like "Oh, I've been looking around at assisted living places to move MIL into...." having never discussed anything of the kind with her independent and active MIL, that would go over like a led balloon with her MIL.

It's not cool to imply things that aren't true.

nobody is saying it's cool - it's stupid and shouldn't be done but to obsess about it afterwards is even stupider.

eh, I don't think that Op is obsessing about it. She just sounds confused and taken aback by what her MIL suggested. It made her uneasy about her MIL's expectations.

I think this is one of those things that you just say "Thanks, but no thanks" and don't bring it up again. It is definitely not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship over. But you do keep that unexpected suggestion in the back of your mind, how could you not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

Ha. I'll bet if Op casually dropped a comment like "Oh, I've been looking around at assisted living places to move MIL into...." having never discussed anything of the kind with her independent and active MIL, that would go over like a led balloon with her MIL.

It's not cool to imply things that aren't true.

nobody is saying it's cool - it's stupid and shouldn't be done but to obsess about it afterwards is even stupider.

eh, I don't think that Op is obsessing about it. She just sounds confused and taken aback by what her MIL suggested. It made her uneasy about her MIL's expectations.

I think this is one of those things that you just say "Thanks, but no thanks" and don't bring it up again. It is definitely not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship over. But you do keep that unexpected suggestion in the back of your mind, how could you not?

I agree with your approach (take a mental note and not talk about it) but that's not what OP is doing at all. OP started a topic on how to let her MIL know she is "delusional" and continued to obsess about her MIL'a lack of respect, assumptions about her competence as parent etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

My FIL is sort of like this. When I was pregnant, he told people he was going to babysit while I was at work. Presumptions ike that without ever discussing it with us. But the real kicker is he suggests things he knows we won't agree to, then gets highly offended when we say no. I think it's a set up so he can be the victim. Anyway, just politely tell her no thanks. Hopefully she'll respond maturely and move on.

omg people are just yapping around. do you really think your FIL was planning to care for an infant?

Pp here. Do you really think it's normal to tell people you'll be babysitting a child full time when there are zero plans for that to happen? That's really weird.

yes i think it's normal - people say all kind of crap to fill in the conversation. you need to stop taking it all so seriously.

Ha. I'll bet if Op casually dropped a comment like "Oh, I've been looking around at assisted living places to move MIL into...." having never discussed anything of the kind with her independent and active MIL, that would go over like a led balloon with her MIL.

It's not cool to imply things that aren't true.

nobody is saying it's cool - it's stupid and shouldn't be done but to obsess about it afterwards is even stupider.

eh, I don't think that Op is obsessing about it. She just sounds confused and taken aback by what her MIL suggested. It made her uneasy about her MIL's expectations.

I think this is one of those things that you just say "Thanks, but no thanks" and don't bring it up again. It is definitely not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship over. But you do keep that unexpected suggestion in the back of your mind, how could you not?

I agree with your approach (take a mental note and not talk about it) but that's not what OP is doing at all. OP started a topic on how to let her MIL know she is "delusional" and continued to obsess about her MIL'a lack of respect, assumptions about her competence as parent etc.

Yeah, she needs to make a mental note of this and just drop it.