Tell me how to tell my MIL she’s delusional without hurting her feelings

[Anonymous]

I would suggest a week or weekend in July since your mother if handling the Labor Day weekend- so you and DH can have time alone together. DH and I never had able and willing grandparents like this (and you have them in abundance on both sides!) so our first more than one night away was when our oldest was 16. Take advantage of it!

She will figure it out after spending 3-7 days with a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

I hope you're being sarcastic, as this is an insane response.


You don't want to burn this bridge. Some day you may need extended child care if you or your husband become ill or injured. Just say no thanks and that your mom is coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it clearer that this will NEVER happen or she may ask again and again and again, or push back on you, saying that it is "normal" and "fine".

"Larlo will never be staying with you for the summer. Please do not suggest it again. While DH and I would have appreciated it if you had offered to help out for the weekend, as both my mom and my sister kindly did, we are aghast that from our request for a mere couple days, you would come back with an implication that we would ever leave a 3-year old with an elderly women for 3-months away from his loving and caring parents."

You are cray AF! A simple "No". Will suffice.
She did not ask to eat the baby for lunch.Dammmnn

[Anonymous]

MY moms city cousins used to spend the summers with her grandparents on the family farm back in the 1940s and 50s. Just say no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MyMIL offered to let my daughter live at her house when I was pregnant because she knew I was so busy and my house was much smaller than hers. I told her she was delusional. It felt great by she didn’t stop making ridiculous demands (when DD was 1 she drew up a shared custody agreement that had her spending four days a week at her house). I say go for it if it will make you feel better but don’t expect it to nip anything in the bud.

Are you the OP of the thread where the MIL lives in southern Maryland and you live in Olney or something, and your MIL wanted you to let your child stay at her house during the week??

The fact that she drew up a written custody agreement is both amusing and horrifying. Tell us more in a s/o thread!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Mom! We appreciate the offer but I think we've got that weekend covered now. We'll try to visit you soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your reaction is ridiculous. Just say no. Pretty simple.

This. Talk about over-the-top, OP! Get it together. Just say "No, not for 3 months but how about Labor Day weekend? Would that work for you?" Sheesh, it is pretty easy to understand why your MIL made the offer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't. You just say thanks for the offer, we have Labor Day weekend covered. Please know that a generation ago, this was normal for a lot of people. I spent the summer at my grandmother's and my mom would come and visit.

+1. For her generation this was not unusual. Parents often sent kids to family for the summer months. I think your MIL is sincere and wants to help out. Please respond accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was trying to be helpful...your response is weird. Think about why you are so angry.

+1 Even with OP's response above on this page 3 makes it clear that OP has some issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't. You just say thanks for the offer, we have Labor Day weekend covered. Please know that a generation ago, this was normal for a lot of people. I spent the summer at my grandmother's and my mom would come and visit.

+1 that was pretty common

Agree. I would just send back something nice like "That's such a generous offer, but I don't think I could handle being away from Lancelot for that long! Maybe once he's married! (smiley face)"

[Anonymous]

She just doesn’t know what days with a 3 year olds are like and think the kid will play on his own and she’ll just watch.
Let it go and don’t write that message. I also notice that supposedly currently parents are much more focused on spending time with their children than in the past and it’s surprising to the older generation (not a bad thing just different). I get this push back even from my own lovely mother when I tell her that I appreciate her wanting to spend all Saturday with my 2 year old but I want to do things with her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

Even so, I still think your reaction is over the top. Lots of in laws and parents propose their kids move closer to them once the grandkids arrive, it's not that unusual. You seem to be angry with her, and maybe you have your reasons, but these examples aren't really explaining why.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. And for what it’s worth, I spent summer months (1 or two at a time) with grandma starting at age 7 and saw my parents on weekends or every other weekend. I remember being very happy and not really missing them but I can see now that it was hard for them but they had to do it to keep working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

It's pretty clear that your MIL is just a very egocentric person. She makes suggestions that would be helpful for her to get her ideal world--one in which her son and grandchildren live close to her and she could see them as often as she wants. She's so focused on this that she doesn't see how insensitive or unrealistic her suggestions are.

So, your husband needs to talk to his mother, gently, about her expectations. Due to her state of mind, it can't be one conversation and done, that won't work. He needs to constantly remind her that your work is "here" (wherever you live) and that you as a family are not moving closer and that you'll visit when you can, but that if she wants to see the grandkids more, she'll need to plan some trips out to see you.

As for her suggestion of having Larla come and stay with her for a few months, let your husband tell her that you aren't ready for Larla to be away from the two of you for that amount of time and that if she can't come and help out at your place, then you'll make other arrangements and she can visit with Larla sometime after the wedding.

FYI, there is really no way for you to convince her that her dream world is not going to happen and there is no point being rude to her to try and forestall additional unreasonable suggestions. She won't take it from you and you'll only damage your family relationship with her if you try. You need to get your husband to talk to his mother. If she can be convinced, it will be by her son, not from his wife.