Tell me how to tell my MIL she’s delusional without hurting her feelings

[Anonymous]

My kids spent summers with grandparents when they were little (starting under 2 years old). I did the same. A summer at the beach house beats summer in the city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

Even so, I still think your reaction is over the top. Lots of in laws and parents propose their kids move closer to them once the grandkids arrive, it's not that unusual. You seem to be angry with her, and maybe you have your reasons, but these examples aren't really explaining why.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say thank you for the offer, but we were able to arrange childcare.

+1

[Anonymous]

So you asked for help with childcare, your mother-in-law was kind enough to offer to watch your child ALL SUMMER if that was needed, and your response is to complain about her? How unkind you are, how self-centered. She sounds like a caring family member trying to help as best she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

Even so, I still think your reaction is over the top. Lots of in laws and parents propose their kids move closer to them once the grandkids arrive, it's not that unusual. You seem to be angry with her, and maybe you have your reasons, but these examples aren't really explaining why.

This^.

+1
It was a suggestion and even though it seems crazy to you it wasn't made at gunpoint and it also likely wasn't made with all of the subtext you seem to be assigning to it. You can just say no, it looks like you are trying to make things harder than they have to be.

[Anonymous]

Let dh handle.

Old people for forget what it’s like, op.

[Anonymous]

OPs mother was asked to take an inch and she suggested she take a mile instead.

[Anonymous]

With a suggestion like that prepare for Granny to push boundaries. Give her an inch, she'll take a mile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

Even so, I still think your reaction is over the top. Lots of in laws and parents propose their kids move closer to them once the grandkids arrive, it's not that unusual. You seem to be angry with her, and maybe you have your reasons, but these examples aren't really explaining why.

This^.

NP. I also agree with this PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

You people are 100% overreacting. So what if grandma makes suggestions you don't like. Just say "no thanks" and don't think about it again. Why would you burn bridges with family over some dumb suggestions? I don't understand white women nowadays.

It's pretty clear that your MIL is just a very egocentric person. She makes suggestions that would be helpful for her to get her ideal world--one in which her son and grandchildren live close to her and she could see them as often as she wants. She's so focused on this that she doesn't see how insensitive or unrealistic her suggestions are.

So, your husband needs to talk to his mother, gently, about her expectations. Due to her state of mind, it can't be one conversation and done, that won't work. He needs to constantly remind her that your work is "here" (wherever you live) and that you as a family are not moving closer and that you'll visit when you can, but that if she wants to see the grandkids more, she'll need to plan some trips out to see you.

As for her suggestion of having Larla come and stay with her for a few months, let your husband tell her that you aren't ready for Larla to be away from the two of you for that amount of time and that if she can't come and help out at your place, then you'll make other arrangements and she can visit with Larla sometime after the wedding.

FYI, there is really no way for you to convince her that her dream world is not going to happen and there is no point being rude to her to try and forestall additional unreasonable suggestions. She won't take it from you and you'll only damage your family relationship with her if you try. You need to get your husband to talk to his mother. If she can be convinced, it will be by her son, not from his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

I realize that "delusional" is a strong word choice and used it with a hint of sarcasm. While she may be joking, I interpreted her suggestion as berserk for a few reasons. The biggest are that we've never been away from our child longer than a day and that have a spot in a great preschool we're not willing to give up.

Likewise, my reaction stems from my MIL's history of pushing boundaries and making suggestions that make total sense for her without considering what it would mean for us. Some of her other ideas:

- DH and I would find new jobs near her (in a place where no comparable or well-paying jobs currently exist for DH)
- we'd move to her city, where I would get pregnant with another child and work to support the family if DH's job search stalled

She's a great grandmother, but some of her ideas/suggestions just seem presumptuous or desperate to me. DH has even said in the past that his mom is "crazy." Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

You people are 100% overreacting. So what if grandma makes suggestions you don't like. Just say "no thanks" and don't think about it again. Why would you burn bridges with family over some dumb suggestions? I don't understand white women nowadays.

It's pretty clear that your MIL is just a very egocentric person. She makes suggestions that would be helpful for her to get her ideal world--one in which her son and grandchildren live close to her and she could see them as often as she wants. She's so focused on this that she doesn't see how insensitive or unrealistic her suggestions are.

So, your husband needs to talk to his mother, gently, about her expectations. Due to her state of mind, it can't be one conversation and done, that won't work. He needs to constantly remind her that your work is "here" (wherever you live) and that you as a family are not moving closer and that you'll visit when you can, but that if she wants to see the grandkids more, she'll need to plan some trips out to see you.

As for her suggestion of having Larla come and stay with her for a few months, let your husband tell her that you aren't ready for Larla to be away from the two of you for that amount of time and that if she can't come and help out at your place, then you'll make other arrangements and she can visit with Larla sometime after the wedding.

FYI, there is really no way for you to convince her that her dream world is not going to happen and there is no point being rude to her to try and forestall additional unreasonable suggestions. She won't take it from you and you'll only damage your family relationship with her if you try. You need to get your husband to talk to his mother. If she can be convinced, it will be by her son, not from his wife.

I don't know why it didn't work, I wrote:

You people are 100% overreacting. So what if grandma makes suggestions you don't like. Just say "no thanks" and don't think about it again. Why would you burn bridges with family over some dumb suggestions? I don't understand white women nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mary, I appreciate you want to spend time with Larlo, but surely as a mother yourself you realize that there is no way we can be away from our small child for three months."

This way it's technically polite, but the message is clearly WTF.

Incredibly badly worded. No need to send a “message.” Just say no. No need to condescend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mary, I appreciate you want to spend time with Larlo, but surely as a mother yourself you realize that there is no way we can be away from our small child for three months."

This way it's technically polite, but the message is clearly WTF.

Incredibly badly worded. No need to send a “message.” Just say no. No need to condescend.

+1
This. I think a lot of people's lives would be a lot easier if they simply learned to say no without getting as offended as possible first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that your MIL is just a very egocentric person. She makes suggestions that would be helpful for her to get her ideal world--one in which her son and grandchildren live close to her and she could see them as often as she wants. She's so focused on this that she doesn't see how insensitive or unrealistic her suggestions are.

So, your husband needs to talk to his mother, gently, about her expectations. Due to her state of mind, it can't be one conversation and done, that won't work. He needs to constantly remind her that your work is "here" (wherever you live) and that you as a family are not moving closer and that you'll visit when you can, but that if she wants to see the grandkids more, she'll need to plan some trips out to see you.

As for her suggestion of having Larla come and stay with her for a few months, let your husband tell her that you aren't ready for Larla to be away from the two of you for that amount of time and that if she can't come and help out at your place, then you'll make other arrangements and she can visit with Larla sometime after the wedding.

FYI, there is really no way for you to convince her that her dream world is not going to happen and there is no point being rude to her to try and forestall additional unreasonable suggestions. She won't take it from you and you'll only damage your family relationship with her if you try. You need to get your husband to talk to his mother. If she can be convinced, it will be by her son, not from his wife.

OP here. Thank you for your input. Your post sums up my feelings well.

I agree that it's totally reasonable and understandable for grandparents to want to live closer to their children and grandchildren. I grew up with my grandparents nearby and enjoyed close, transformative relationships with them. I wouldn't want to deny my child the chance to have great relationships with my or DH's parents.

Perhaps I am angry, but I feel more annoyed than anything else. MIL's persistence in trying to get us to move to her city and offering "answers" and assumptions for how to make it happen seems overbearing and inconsiderate of DH's and my ability to handle our lives on our own. My parents would love for us to move to their city as well, but they're not pushy about it, nor would they think I'd ever send my child there for a season.

[Anonymous]

What your MIL proposed sounded more like an offer to share custody of your child with you.