Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

OP, have you done neuropsych testing? Is medication at optimal levels?

I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I have a son with serious mental illness on top of ADHD. Onset of puberty has been awful. One thing that resonates with me is that my son also now has no interests and isn't really good at things. But, that's recent. Still, it makes it very difficult to parent him and it just promotes his cycle of low self worth, depression and anxiety.

I hope that you find something that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you done neuropsych testing? Is medication at optimal levels?

I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I have a son with serious mental illness on top of ADHD. Onset of puberty has been awful. One thing that resonates with me is that my son also now has no interests and isn't really good at things. But, that's recent. Still, it makes it very difficult to parent him and it just promotes his cycle of low self worth, depression and anxiety.

I hope that you find something that works.

We have had neuropsych testing done. It didn’t show anything outside of the adhd.

[Anonymous]

OP please see a counselor to help you parent your child more effectively.

That should be step one. PEP is for parents of typical kids — not ADHD or other SN. Much of what works for typical children will not work with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has friends at school. That's great.

Personally, I would not tell a tween's friend and that friend's family that my child was having a meltdown. This is a very sensitive age. That's not a good idea, OP. You could have said "Larla is taking a moment" or something like that. And, you could have built on the fact that her friend was there to end the meltdown -- "Larla, do you want to come out and say hello to Annabelle?"

I'm not trying to put you down, but you sound oppositional to her and your dislike of her (which is pretty obvious) makes you handle situations in a way that inflames them. I'm sure she's very, very, difficult, no doubt, but just as she blames others for everything -- don't you do that too???

I agree with this. Of course she was mortified that you “told on her” to her school friend and her parents. She’s not stupid, I think you are. I really wonder how much of this has to do with your parenting, and I hate saying that because of course I don’t know you, but this one example makes me wonder if you’ve just never bonded with her or you just really have no clue how to talk to kids.

It’s hard to explain. They pull up and heard her screaming at the top of her lungs and hitting the roof of the car. What was I supposed to say? I didn’t say meltdown but similar. I wasn’t sure what to say.

You know what you’re right, I apologize. I would probably have a hard time figuring the right thing to say in that situation if I were flustered and frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. I have a difficult child as well. Loving them is one thing but they sure are hard to like sometimes. The impact on the whole family is tremendous.

ADHD is so hard and because it’s a spectrum, some kids have it easier than others.

I can tell you things to try but I’m sure you’ve done them all. I recently moved by child to a school with very clear boundaries and structure. It’s not boarding school. The first few weeks were really hard. But the staff is trainied to consistently follow through. Once my son understood that nothing he was doing would change their response, he started to settle down.

Being that consistent is hard at home. Mostly because you have other children that need you. You can’t be 100% focused on one child at all times.

Therapeutic boarding school does not sound bad. The kids I’ve known that have gone have really thrived. Have you considered a therapeutic day school setting? How is she doing behaviorally in school? Is she mainstreamed without support?

We are in Mont Cty and currently working with a great CBT. Each session she angers my son and then helps him to work through his anger. It took a few months for my son to trust her enough to lose his mind with her. She’s helping him learn to self regulate, understand that actions have consequences, and working with him to build up his self esteem and negate the negative speak.

I said I wouldn’t tell you what to do . But have you talked to her therapists about this? And what about finding a therapist for yourself? Someone, besides judgemental DCUM, that you can share your feelings with?

This is a beautiful, compassionate response. It's also extremely helpful. I, too, have a difficult child and fantasized about sending her away. Until you've lived with such a child, you don't know how devastating for everyone it can be. We did a lot of what is in this post. We also went hardcore anti-sugar and no food dyes. It all worked and she's much better. And we put her on very low dose stimulant and anti-anxiety (also low dose).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wilderness Therapy for an 11 year old desperate for her parents acceptance and unconditional love? No. Thx child needs to be nurtured.

Well, for some kids, wilderness therapy helps them see that what they perceive as their parents being "out to get them" reallyIS the acceptance and unconditional love they have been seeking . I don't know OP's child well enough but I have students who this program was life changing for, to the extent they want to be wilderness guides. Only OP can know if it's an option she would consider but this and therapeutic boarding school have literally saved some of my students' lives.

[Anonymous]

Some of the responses on here are absolutely disgusting. And then we wonder why mental health issues are such a problem in this country... OP comes here clearly asking for help and a majority (not all) of the responses just pile on with judgement. Then another school shooting happens and we can't understand why the parent didn't ask for help.
OP, no advice but I wish you well. Ignore the crap here.

[Anonymous]

11 year olds are people, and like all people I'm inclined to think that yes, there's a possibility they could just be unpleasant, bad people. That's also irrelevant, since at 11 children must still be supported by parents and OP can't just completely cut contact like might be advised with toxic adults.

OP, you don't like her and she doesn't like you. Neither of you want her in the family home. It doesn't sound like you're either able or willing to help her, and she doesn't benefit from or cooperate with anything you say you have tried.

In this case, I think a therapeutic boarding school or other residential program actually makes the most sense for both of you.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't think you are a bad parent.
Please ignore the nasty posters.
I would have told the other family the same thing.
I have also witnessed an 11 year old having such a meltdown - she also had ADHD, and her poor mother is exhausted.

I assume your child is medicated, right? Medication can work wonders.

Anticipating the future teen years, I would get MORE strict, not less. I would make it a family lifestyle change. No sugar for anyone, period. None of the foods that trigger her in the house at all. And explain it all every time she's calm and receptive. Every day if necessary.

The PP with the yeast idea has got hold of an interesting concept. Research that, please. I am a scientist and haven't studied the effect of yeast on behavior, but it sounds intriguing, and possibly true.

And please don't give up on her now! Your toughest years are ahead of you. You want to integrate as much routine and rules as you can before they hit.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been thinking about your post a lot. Have you tried the Kazdin method.

I also want to say I think my mother would have said this about me at this age. It makes me sad to read this but on the other hand, I did grow up and mature — just a little slowly. I am successful by all criteria now.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who sent her son to boarding school when he was about that age. A school up in New York or New Hampshire - New something! Anyways, he is much happier and so is she. In the UK, it is completely common to send children to boarding schools and no one thinks anything of it.

You must put yourself first and she will be happier too. This method, that method, at the end of the day, nothing may work and you will struggle for the next seven years.

Also, she seems to be getting some sort of subsidy from her state government to offset the costs ... something about the SN school being a better fit for her son than the local public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please see a counselor to help you parent your child more effectively.

That should be step one. PEP is for parents of typical kids — not ADHD or other SN. Much of what works for typical children will not work with your daughter.

I agree with this. Pep is next to useless in any case.

Op, start with KKI's behavioral outpatient clinic in Columbia, md. If that's too far ask them for a recommendation closer to you. Also read the Kazdin method. Shaping a child's difficult behavior is a process and starts with changing your behavior.

I think your dd would benefit from the unstuck and on target class at ivymount. Doesn't matter if she's not on the spectrum. These skills are related to executive functioning. Even better, they have a parenting class.

Lastly have you looked at meds? ADHD can bring out a lot of anxiety. An antidepressant may help her manage emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried just loving her as she is?

Kids can sense when they are unloved and when there is nothing they can do to live up to their parents expectations.

This. You dont want to be judged yet it is clear you do not love this child.

You are a terrible person. You have no idea what is going on from one internet post. She sounds like a mom at the end of her rope asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on here are absolutely disgusting. And then we wonder why mental health issues are such a problem in this country... OP comes here clearly asking for help and a majority (not all) of the responses just pile on with judgement. Then another school shooting happens and we can't understand why the parent didn't ask for help.
OP, no advice but I wish you well. Ignore the crap here.

Yes, she wants help, but she also needs to face the reality of the role her own hostility is playing and own it, not blame it on her 11 year old being a "bad person." That's a distorted thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried just loving her as she is?

Kids can sense when they are unloved and when there is nothing they can do to live up to their parents expectations.

This. You dont want to be judged yet it is clear you do not love this child.

You are a terrible person. You have no idea what is going on from one internet post. She sounds like a mom at the end of her rope asking for help.

and you have a limited understanding of how complicates family dynamics works.

if OP has strong feelingns of of dislike or even hate toward her child, that's OK. it's better to accept that and figure out how to proceed (and to view the feelings as feelings) rather than supressing them OR blaming the child for being "a bad person."