Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who wrote about living with a brother who behaved like this and I just need to say that some of you are being way too harsh on OP. Count yourself lucky that you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be in this family dynamic. I can't think of any childhood memories or special occasions that weren't ruined by my brother. He ran off in the airport in London and we missed our connection to Spain. Then on the way home he ran away in the Barcelona airport and we missed the flight home. We got kicked out of restaurants, stores, entire shopping malls and classes. By association I was also kicked out, when I had done nothing wrong. On a plane once they made him sit in the back row and almost did an emergency landing because my parents couldn't control him. He used to hit me pretty much every day and steal my things, break them just to be mean. He told and still tells people enormous lies, painting himself the victim and that my mom and I are the ones who have problems. I used to hide in the bathroom for hours because it had a lock. When I was a teenager I got a job and with my first pay check I bought a lock for my bedroom door. I was so happy and felt safe for exactly one day, until my brother unscrewed the lock and put it on his own door. I can still remember that feeling of despair and knowing there was nothing I could do, because he would beat the shit out of me. When we hit puberty he did things to me that I will never forget or forgive. That last time he tried to hit me I threw a blender at his head. The broken blender stayed on the floor for a week because I refused to pick it up. My mom was checked out and did nothing. My brother eventually picked it up and then I begged to go to boarding school. As a teenager he set my bed on fire doing hair spray fireballs. My childhood was torture. So, until ANY of you are in the OP's shoes don't you dare judge. I wish my parents had sent my brother away. He was pure evil and awful.

I’m sorry for your experience but nothing OP said even remotely sounds like that.

The difference is that PP actually lived the experience, and you are just parsing OP to put her in a bad light.

No, I am “parsing” OP because her child is going to be damaged by a mother who thinks she’s stupid, not good at anything, and bad.

You are parsing because OP posted negative feelings in an anonymous internet forum and concluded she must feel this way all the time and that she caused her child's disability rather than is reacting to it. Her child is already damaged, but so is the mom. They both need help. The feelings she expressed are common when parents are at their breaking point. I know people who this has happened to. They still love their kids, but they also have strong conflicting feelings.

I agree with this that they both need help. I hope OP also comes to that conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

Well you are definitely "one of those posters." Go back where you belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who wrote about living with a brother who behaved like this and I just need to say that some of you are being way too harsh on OP. Count yourself lucky that you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be in this family dynamic. I can't think of any childhood memories or special occasions that weren't ruined by my brother. He ran off in the airport in London and we missed our connection to Spain. Then on the way home he ran away in the Barcelona airport and we missed the flight home. We got kicked out of restaurants, stores, entire shopping malls and classes. By association I was also kicked out, when I had done nothing wrong. On a plane once they made him sit in the back row and almost did an emergency landing because my parents couldn't control him. He used to hit me pretty much every day and steal my things, break them just to be mean. He told and still tells people enormous lies, painting himself the victim and that my mom and I are the ones who have problems. I used to hide in the bathroom for hours because it had a lock. When I was a teenager I got a job and with my first pay check I bought a lock for my bedroom door. I was so happy and felt safe for exactly one day, until my brother unscrewed the lock and put it on his own door. I can still remember that feeling of despair and knowing there was nothing I could do, because he would beat the shit out of me. When we hit puberty he did things to me that I will never forget or forgive. That last time he tried to hit me I threw a blender at his head. The broken blender stayed on the floor for a week because I refused to pick it up. My mom was checked out and did nothing. My brother eventually picked it up and then I begged to go to boarding school. As a teenager he set my bed on fire doing hair spray fireballs. My childhood was torture. So, until ANY of you are in the OP's shoes don't you dare judge. I wish my parents had sent my brother away. He was pure evil and awful.

I’m sorry for your experience but nothing OP said even remotely sounds like that.

The difference is that PP actually lived the experience, and you are just parsing OP to put her in a bad light.

No, I am “parsing” OP because her child is going to be damaged by a mother who thinks she’s stupid, not good at anything, and bad.

You are parsing because OP posted negative feelings in an anonymous internet forum and concluded she must feel this way all the time and that she caused her child's disability rather than is reacting to it. Her child is already damaged, but so is the mom. They both need help. The feelings she expressed are common when parents are at their breaking point. I know people who this has happened to. They still love their kids, but they also have strong conflicting feelings.

I agree with this that they both need help. I hope OP also comes to that conclusion.

OP HAS sought out help, you simpleton. It's not working. That's how real life is is, it doesn't wrap up with a couple counseling sessions or a pill. And sometimes, you can't really solve it, so you have to save yourself and the rest of your children. If you have witnessed a family being torn up by an ADHD child, you might get some sense knocked into you.

In this case, a boarding school just might be a good choice for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who wrote about living with a brother who behaved like this and I just need to say that some of you are being way too harsh on OP. Count yourself lucky that you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be in this family dynamic. I can't think of any childhood memories or special occasions that weren't ruined by my brother. He ran off in the airport in London and we missed our connection to Spain. Then on the way home he ran away in the Barcelona airport and we missed the flight home. We got kicked out of restaurants, stores, entire shopping malls and classes. By association I was also kicked out, when I had done nothing wrong. On a plane once they made him sit in the back row and almost did an emergency landing because my parents couldn't control him. He used to hit me pretty much every day and steal my things, break them just to be mean. He told and still tells people enormous lies, painting himself the victim and that my mom and I are the ones who have problems. I used to hide in the bathroom for hours because it had a lock. When I was a teenager I got a job and with my first pay check I bought a lock for my bedroom door. I was so happy and felt safe for exactly one day, until my brother unscrewed the lock and put it on his own door. I can still remember that feeling of despair and knowing there was nothing I could do, because he would beat the shit out of me. When we hit puberty he did things to me that I will never forget or forgive. That last time he tried to hit me I threw a blender at his head. The broken blender stayed on the floor for a week because I refused to pick it up. My mom was checked out and did nothing. My brother eventually picked it up and then I begged to go to boarding school. As a teenager he set my bed on fire doing hair spray fireballs. My childhood was torture. So, until ANY of you are in the OP's shoes don't you dare judge. I wish my parents had sent my brother away. He was pure evil and awful.

I’m sorry for your experience but nothing OP said even remotely sounds like that.

The difference is that PP actually lived the experience, and you are just parsing OP to put her in a bad light.

No, I am “parsing” OP because her child is going to be damaged by a mother who thinks she’s stupid, not good at anything, and bad.

You are parsing because OP posted negative feelings in an anonymous internet forum and concluded she must feel this way all the time and that she caused her child's disability rather than is reacting to it. Her child is already damaged, but so is the mom. They both need help. The feelings she expressed are common when parents are at their breaking point. I know people who this has happened to. They still love their kids, but they also have strong conflicting feelings.

I agree with this that they both need help. I hope OP also comes to that conclusion.

OP HAS sought out help, you simpleton. It's not working. That's how real life is is, it doesn't wrap up with a couple counseling sessions or a pill. And sometimes, you can't really solve it, so you have to save yourself and the rest of your children. If you have witnessed a family being torn up by an ADHD child, you might get some sense knocked into you.

In this case, a boarding school just might be a good choice for the whole family.

I am not sure which simpleton you are talking to, but getting help for yourself and sending your kid to boarding school are not mutually exclusive. Try a course in logic before you call people simpletons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was pretty nasty that you told her friend she was having a meltdown. Be honest with yourself: you did that for "revenge" or "to get back at" your dd.

If someone drove up and saw my child in my car screaming at the top of her lungs, I too would explain that she's having a meltdown and we're waiting outside for her to stop. I'm not going to have people thinking I'm somehow abusing my child and that's why she's screaming. Give OP a break. My DC behaves this way toward DH for no reason. I would absolutely say why, not for revenge, but why should I allow people to think DH is being abusive when I know DC is just being impulsive and demanding. Until you've had to deal with a child who handles being told no by screaming and being disruptive, your won't understand. On the other hand, OP, your child not being smart may be a disappointment, but not a reason that should be used to judge her. My really smart kid is my disruptive kid, these are independent issues that it is tragic that you are conflating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

Kids don't scream for soda (or ice-cream in OP's case) unless they've been given it plenty of times before. They just don't.

Several people have told OP that there's a good chance that a clean diet may dramatically improve the way her daughter functions, but OP doesn't want to bother with it.

I was very sympathetic towards OP in the beginning, but not anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

Kids don't scream for soda (or ice-cream in OP's case) unless they've been given it plenty of times before. They just don't.

Several people have told OP that there's a good chance that a clean diet may dramatically improve the way her daughter functions, but OP doesn't want to bother with it.

I was very sympathetic towards OP in the beginning, but not anymore.

Do you have an SN kid? Do you know makes them scream? Because I've got one and she can have a meltdown anytime, anywhere. If you think can predict it, quit your job and teach me how to do that. I'll pay you double whatever you are earning now and I will give you many referrals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

Kids don't scream for soda (or ice-cream in OP's case) unless they've been given it plenty of times before. They just don't.

Several people have told OP that there's a good chance that a clean diet may dramatically improve the way her daughter functions, but OP doesn't want to bother with it.

I was very sympathetic towards OP in the beginning, but not anymore.

You are totally wrong about the screaming. I also have one of these kids. S/he will scream about anything and everything. Because the thing is, it's not about the ice cream. (Or soda or whatever.) Thats why you can't predict it. It's about all the things going on in their head that feel completely out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

Kids don't scream for soda (or ice-cream in OP's case) unless they've been given it plenty of times before. They just don't.

Several people have told OP that there's a good chance that a clean diet may dramatically improve the way her daughter functions, but OP doesn't want to bother with it.

I was very sympathetic towards OP in the beginning, but not anymore.

What are you talking about? Absolutely a kid who screams at being told no will scream for soda, for ice cream, for pizza, for a shirts....whether or not they have been given it plenty of times. The screaming isn't because of what's being denied, it's because the child doesn't want to be told no and throws a tantrum. Some kids have a deficiency when it comes to regulating emotions and react in disproportionate ways when they are told no or have to deal with changes. OP's child might be one of these kids. I think instead of judging OP and making her feel more isolated, we should allow people with kids with similar dispositions to give suggestions. OP came on to vent and to get support. If she's judged harshly it adds to her frustration and likely won't make her feel any less overwhelmed by her child. It adds to her feeling of needing to get away from the stress. No one is perfect, let's show some compassion.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you still reading this? In my darkest days with my daughter, who we later learned has a treatable neurological disease that caused much of the behavior you describe, I understood, down to my core, why some of those moms who did horrible things - like drive themselves and their child off a bridge - did it. Until you have lived with a child who seems to care about, and for, nothing and is also a nightmare on an hourly basis, you cannot judge this woman. My daughter is healthy again, but not for all the money in the world would I relive those four years. It did what I suspect is irreparable damage to our family unit. There is no easy answer. I am so sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the sugar addiction and the asking for ice cream integral to the situation. I think there’s a lot of self-loathing with this child and she self-medicates with sugar and food when she is with you.

Could sexual abuse be happening? Child is angry leading to outbursts? Child is depressed leading to no interests or motivations? Child is "obsessed" with sugar perhaps child wants to gain weight to be less attractive to her abuser or boys in general? She overeats because she "hates" herself? Is the child taking it out on OP because mom is the safest person to take your anger out on but mom isn't getting it? Or maybe mom is ignoring what is happening to her daughter?

OP is avoiding this question, saying child said no to these questions. Yet, my quote describes from pediatrics website describes her DD almost word for word. She is also not replying to how long this has been going on? If since birth, then I apologize for being wrong, if it started at a certain point, and Drs are right about diagnosis, then it is OP who is choosing to blame the kid rather than look honestly in case some abuse is happening.

PP, your quote describes me as a child. I was not sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother every day of my life for as long as I can remember. (And spanked by both parents, but it was the 70s and spankings were nothing in comparison.) At age 11, I could have had a screaming meltdown like OP's daughter because my mother really knew how to set me off and she absolutely did it when there was an audience. She constantly told me I had a mental illness. My parents once took me to a psychologist I think to actually prove there was something wrong with me and the psychologist after meeting with us separately told them they were too controlling and they needed to essentially give me some space. They spent the entire car ride home talking about how incompetent he was and he had no idea what he was talking about because he only had a master's degree. I guess my point is you don't have to be sexually abused or have a disorder to behave like OP's daughter. My parents were well-respected in our community and I'm sure looked like model parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the sugar addiction and the asking for ice cream integral to the situation. I think there’s a lot of self-loathing with this child and she self-medicates with sugar and food when she is with you.

Could sexual abuse be happening? Child is angry leading to outbursts? Child is depressed leading to no interests or motivations? Child is "obsessed" with sugar perhaps child wants to gain weight to be less attractive to her abuser or boys in general? She overeats because she "hates" herself? Is the child taking it out on OP because mom is the safest person to take your anger out on but mom isn't getting it? Or maybe mom is ignoring what is happening to her daughter?

OP is avoiding this question, saying child said no to these questions. Yet, my quote describes from pediatrics website describes her DD almost word for word. She is also not replying to how long this has been going on? If since birth, then I apologize for being wrong, if it started at a certain point, and Drs are right about diagnosis, then it is OP who is choosing to blame the kid rather than look honestly in case some abuse is happening.

PP, your quote describes me as a child. I was not sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother every day of my life for as long as I can remember. (And spanked by both parents, but it was the 70s and spankings were nothing in comparison.) At age 11, I could have had a screaming meltdown like OP's daughter because my mother really knew how to set me off and she absolutely did it when there was an audience. She constantly told me I had a mental illness. My parents once took me to a psychologist I think to actually prove there was something wrong with me and the psychologist after meeting with us separately told them they were too controlling and they needed to essentially give me some space. They spent the entire car ride home talking about how incompetent he was and he had no idea what he was talking about because he only had a master's degree. I guess my point is you don't have to be sexually abused or have a disorder to behave like OP's daughter. My parents were well-respected in our community and I'm sure looked like model parents.

I’m another PP and I had a very similar experience growing up. I suspect that many of the posters jumping on my criticisms of OP for “not knowing what it’s like to have a child like that” also don’t know what it’s like to have parents like we did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ But nothing OP said actually sounds like her daughter is “one of those kids!”

You have no clue how demoralizing and stressful it is to live with a tween who screams and throws tantrums anytime they are told no. Walking through the mall with an 11 year old screaming, running into people you know with your a child screaming and out of control in your car, being screamed at in your home because you say no to soda....Each individual infraction seems like no big deal, but when it is an everyday occurrence, it really beats you down. I have a friend with a child like this. She is constantly stressed, she has gained a lot of weight (according to her because she eats out of stress and is often depressed), she has never told me she would like to send her child away, but there have been many times when she has broken down in tears saying she's at her wits end because therapy and meds don't help. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes or OP's shoes. Don't judge. Maybe you think OP is over reacting with the mall story, but if that's your daily/hourly life, that must be hard.

Kids don't scream for soda (or ice-cream in OP's case) unless they've been given it plenty of times before. They just don't.

Several people have told OP that there's a good chance that a clean diet may dramatically improve the way her daughter functions, but OP doesn't want to bother with it.

I was very sympathetic towards OP in the beginning, but not anymore.

Kids ask for things they've never been given all the time. My only child asked me over and over again for a 'big brother", something he hadn't been given even once.

And kids who have disabilities that impact the way they self-regulate and express their emotions, sometimes make their requests by screaming, even impossible or unreasonable ones.

As a special ed teacher, I've seen plenty of kids put on very restricted diets. The diets cause a lot of social isolation for kids, and add a layer stress for families, but other than kids with celiac, I've never seen significant behavioral changes come from dietary changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the sugar addiction and the asking for ice cream integral to the situation. I think there’s a lot of self-loathing with this child and she self-medicates with sugar and food when she is with you.

Could sexual abuse be happening? Child is angry leading to outbursts? Child is depressed leading to no interests or motivations? Child is "obsessed" with sugar perhaps child wants to gain weight to be less attractive to her abuser or boys in general? She overeats because she "hates" herself? Is the child taking it out on OP because mom is the safest person to take your anger out on but mom isn't getting it? Or maybe mom is ignoring what is happening to her daughter?

OP is avoiding this question, saying child said no to these questions. Yet, my quote describes from pediatrics website describes her DD almost word for word. She is also not replying to how long this has been going on? If since birth, then I apologize for being wrong, if it started at a certain point, and Drs are right about diagnosis, then it is OP who is choosing to blame the kid rather than look honestly in case some abuse is happening.

PP, your quote describes me as a child. I was not sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother every day of my life for as long as I can remember. (And spanked by both parents, but it was the 70s and spankings were nothing in comparison.) At age 11, I could have had a screaming meltdown like OP's daughter because my mother really knew how to set me off and she absolutely did it when there was an audience. She constantly told me I had a mental illness. My parents once took me to a psychologist I think to actually prove there was something wrong with me and the psychologist after meeting with us separately told them they were too controlling and they needed to essentially give me some space. They spent the entire car ride home talking about how incompetent he was and he had no idea what he was talking about because he only had a master's degree. I guess my point is you don't have to be sexually abused or have a disorder to behave like OP's daughter. My parents were well-respected in our community and I'm sure looked like model parents.

I’m another PP and I had a very similar experience growing up. I suspect that many of the posters jumping on my criticisms of OP for “not knowing what it’s like to have a child like that” also don’t know what it’s like to have parents like we did.

Thing is, OP's post doesn't describe any actually abuse, just negative feelings and a parent in over her head. And she has provided very little additional information. So this thread has way more speculation than it should.