Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

OP, is your DD adopted?

[Anonymous]

One of my colleagues sent her teenage son (adhd) away to boarding school, military I think, due to his lack of motivation to try, accept responsibility, etc. And the experience worked wonders for him. He ended up going to college.

Btw, have you evaluated her meds or tried other dosage of options? She may have hormonal mood swings too.

[Anonymous]

Op ... are you interesting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a child that will be 11 in a few weeks. The following is honest sharing and I appreciate not being judged for it.

My child is not smart. She’s not good at anything. She has no interests. She is obsessed with sugar. She screams and loses her mind with us all the time.

We have tried meds, therapy groups, private school, executive function tutors...nothing works.

She refuses to accept blame and is only obsessed with blaming others for “making” her upset.

Example: she was losing her mind at the mall because I told her no when she asked for ice cream. She proceeded to scream and me the entire way to the car. Rather than put her little brother in the car with her screaming (again) I said she could calm down in the car and we would wait outside it.

A friend of hers from school and her parents drove by us and stopped to say hello. And heard her screaming. I told them she was having a meltdown.

She realized what was happening and freaked out because I told on her. Not that the only reason the whole situation existed was because of her choices.

Can a kid just be a bad person beyond repair?

We just want her out of our lives.

Your problem is bolded. Some kids can't handle the food that other kids can eat. Your kid is one of them (as is one of mine). She needs a special diet. No processed food, and limited fruit. She probably has a lot of yeast in her intestines. That's why she constantly wants sugar. Killing it off by restricting crap will absolutely cause meltdowns. It will take several weeks.

If you can afford it, it might be easier to move to a farm for a few weeks while you go through this phase. It will be easier when you're away from your usual food and habits. You should see major improvements in behavior by the end.

You can do it. And you owe it to your child to at least try. It seems like you have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain.

[Anonymous]

She has friends at school. That's great.

Personally, I would not tell a tween's friend and that friend's family that my child was having a meltdown. This is a very sensitive age. That's not a good idea, OP. You could have said "Larla is taking a moment" or something like that. And, you could have built on the fact that her friend was there to end the meltdown -- "Larla, do you want to come out and say hello to Annabelle?"

I'm not trying to put you down, but you sound oppositional to her and your dislike of her (which is pretty obvious) makes you handle situations in a way that inflames them. I'm sure she's very, very, difficult, no doubt, but just as she blames others for everything -- don't you do that too???

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, OP: look into therapeutic boarding school and/or Wilderness Therapy. I teach kids who have done these and attest themselves to the benefit.

[Anonymous]

Wilderness Therapy for an 11 year old desperate for her parents acceptance and unconditional love? No. Thx child needs to be nurtured.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried just loving her as she is?

Kids can sense when they are unloved and when there is nothing they can do to live up to their parents expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has friends at school. That's great.

Personally, I would not tell a tween's friend and that friend's family that my child was having a meltdown. This is a very sensitive age. That's not a good idea, OP. You could have said "Larla is taking a moment" or something like that. And, you could have built on the fact that her friend was there to end the meltdown -- "Larla, do you want to come out and say hello to Annabelle?"

I'm not trying to put you down, but you sound oppositional to her and your dislike of her (which is pretty obvious) makes you handle situations in a way that inflames them. I'm sure she's very, very, difficult, no doubt, but just as she blames others for everything -- don't you do that too???

I agree with this. Of course she was mortified that you “told on her” to her school friend and her parents. She’s not stupid, I think you are. I really wonder how much of this has to do with your parenting, and I hate saying that because of course I don’t know you, but this one example makes me wonder if you’ve just never bonded with her or you just really have no clue how to talk to kids.

[Anonymous]

Op. I have a difficult child as well. Loving them is one thing but they sure are hard to like sometimes. The impact on the whole family is tremendous.

ADHD is so hard and because it’s a spectrum, some kids have it easier than others.

I can tell you things to try but I’m sure you’ve done them all. I recently moved by child to a school with very clear boundaries and structure. It’s not boarding school. The first few weeks were really hard. But the staff is trainied to consistently follow through. Once my son understood that nothing he was doing would change their response, he started to settle down.

Being that consistent is hard at home. Mostly because you have other children that need you. You can’t be 100% focused on one child at all times.

Therapeutic boarding school does not sound bad. The kids I’ve known that have gone have really thrived. Have you considered a therapeutic day school setting? How is she doing behaviorally in school? Is she mainstreamed without support?

We are in Mont Cty and currently working with a great CBT. Each session she angers my son and then helps him to work through his anger. It took a few months for my son to trust her enough to lose his mind with her. She’s helping him learn to self regulate, understand that actions have consequences, and working with him to build up his self esteem and negate the negative speak.

I said I wouldn’t tell you what to do . But have you talked to her therapists about this? And what about finding a therapist for yourself? Someone, besides judgemental DCUM, that you can share your feelings with?

[Anonymous]

Is she like this at school now? Or is it something she mainly takes out on you?

[Anonymous]

The fact that she has friends is really positive. Making and keeping friends is difficult.

It sounds like she needs individual therapy and you also need some therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think it was pretty nasty that you told her friend she was having a meltdown. Be honest with yourself: you did that for "revenge" or "to get back at" your dd.

[Anonymous]

Buy her the damned ice cream! Other people like her enough to say hello but she doesn’t like you very much - look in the mirror, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has friends at school. That's great.

Personally, I would not tell a tween's friend and that friend's family that my child was having a meltdown. This is a very sensitive age. That's not a good idea, OP. You could have said "Larla is taking a moment" or something like that. And, you could have built on the fact that her friend was there to end the meltdown -- "Larla, do you want to come out and say hello to Annabelle?"

I'm not trying to put you down, but you sound oppositional to her and your dislike of her (which is pretty obvious) makes you handle situations in a way that inflames them. I'm sure she's very, very, difficult, no doubt, but just as she blames others for everything -- don't you do that too???

I agree with this. Of course she was mortified that you “told on her” to her school friend and her parents. She’s not stupid, I think you are. I really wonder how much of this has to do with your parenting, and I hate saying that because of course I don’t know you, but this one example makes me wonder if you’ve just never bonded with her or you just really have no clue how to talk to kids.

How should OP have handled it? I read it thinking the friends are standing by the car and clearly can hear the kid screaming inside. What would you have done? Saying she's "having a moment" when they can hear her screaming is splitting hairs. What is the mom supposed to do to explain why the kid is inside the car screaming while she's waiting outside? I guess I don't see it as malicious. I'm really unsure how I myself would have explained it.