How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

yes, you are right. It's easy after the fact but I don't see how you can't go back and say that a few hours later, either the dil or the son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

You have to realize that this is DCUM, the capital of people who don't get along with anyone, especially their families!

I, too, am shocked by the responses here.
My mother and I have a volatile relationship, but it would never occur to me to be creeped out by a visit by her, my father or any my ILs. I know they're not coming with malicious intent. I know they've seen my husband and I at our worse - we have nothing to hide.
Ultimately, it's really sad that so many posters have reacted with harshness and fear.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they didn't want to disturb you and DH at work. That said, if I were in your shoes, I def. would have felt uncomfortable. My mother dumped a LONG TERM BF over this kind of situation; friend was just sitting there on the couch when mom walked in. But, it was one of MANY boundary issues, and just the tip of the iceberg.

Unless this is also one of many boundary issues, maybe say you were startled and please text or call if they'll be early next time.

[Anonymous]

It was wrong of them to do that. They should've asked you first. And even with permission, they should've knocked before using the key.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be too upset; my parents leave for everything at like 4 a.m. because there might be "traffic." That said, I'd ask DH to follow up with them and to make him manage the situation. They could always have gone and met their son for lunch or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are right. It's easy after the fact but I don't see how you can't go back and say that a few hours later, either the dil or the son.

Don't be silly. When DH is home, kids are in bed, he talks to them briefly. "You startled Karen today when you came early and let yourselves in. Please call or text if you are planning on using the key. We gave it to you only for emergencies."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

You have to realize that this is DCUM, the capital of people who don't get along with anyone, especially their families!

I, too, am shocked by the responses here.
My mother and I have a volatile relationship, but it would never occur to me to be creeped out by a visit by her, my father or any my ILs. I know they're not coming with malicious intent. I know they've seen my husband and I at our worse - we have nothing to hide.
Ultimately, it's really sad that so many posters have reacted with harshness and fear.

Maybe you have a "volatile relationship" because you don't have good communication and boundaries. I have both, and I have a great, loving, warm, calm relationship with my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are right. It's easy after the fact but I don't see how you can't go back and say that a few hours later, either the dil or the son.

Don't be silly. When DH is home, kids are in bed, he talks to them briefly. "You startled Karen today when you came early and let yourselves in. Please call or text if you are planning on using the key. We gave it to you only for emergencies."

Sorry! I misread. I thought you said "I don't see how you CAN go back and say that a few hours later."

[Anonymous]

From your DH: Mom, you scared the ever living out of Susie when you used your key to come in the house. Please let us know if you will be arriving early next time. I can take the key back now as I don't think there is any reason to have extra keys to our house floating around.

[Anonymous]

Emergency key is for emergencies. I don't let myself in unannounced into another adult's home. I expect the same courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

Yeah, it's not "sinister," agreed. But it is rude. It is a boundary stomp. And come on--most older adults are capable of using the phones they own. My dad is old-school, but he can call and text. You make it sound like all older adults are the hapless bumblers in the "has this ever happened to you" infomercials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

OP here and you are way off. I actually have taken DH's aunt to chemo on multiple occasions, because he had a work conflict and she lives closer to us than to her brother (my ILs).

Life happens and emergencies happen. There is no reason why anyone needs to use the key to my home without my knowledge unless there is a true emergency. A simple call to say they were early would have made this all fine. What an odd leap for you to make--I didn't like being startled and caught off guard, so I won't help a sick family member? Unbelievable, even by DCUM standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

OP here and you are way off. I actually have taken DH's aunt to chemo on multiple occasions, because he had a work conflict and she lives closer to us than to her brother (my ILs).

Life happens and emergencies happen. There is no reason why anyone needs to use the key to my home without my knowledge unless there is a true emergency. A simple call to say they were early would have made this all fine. What an odd leap for you to make--I didn't like being startled and caught off guard, so I won't help a sick family member? Unbelievable, even by DCUM standards.

So.. why didn't they call? You haven't stated that. THey dont' know how to use their phone? They have secret plans to lounge in your house before you get back from work? I really don't think it was sinister at all, but you seem to be treating it as this huge crossing of boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s weird they didn’t text to let you know when they’d be getting there.