Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. You are their mother. Most schools post grades/assignments electronically now. Start to make it a habit to check their grades every day. If you see a low grade or an assignment missing - text your kid to find out what happened.

As far as chores go, make up a chore list. If the chores don't get done, privileges get taken away.

MS/HS kids are not sitting at home on their ass all day, btw. They go to school, they usually have activities after school too. A man that is working at his federal job every day is also not at home goofing off - he is working.

My guess is, that between activities and errands, your husband and the kids have less time to get things done than you think that they do. Your husband is working a full time job and has pretty much all of the kid duty in your household. That's a lot.

This. It seems your “retarded” DH is doing a heck of a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think PP who said you’re underestimating how much time your husband and kids has is on to something.

So, your husband works full time
He makes less than you
Therefore.... what? He’s supposed to make up for it at home?

It doesn’t work like that. Work is work no matter what you make. You made a choice to work — what — 12 hour days at a job you hate. Meanwhile you’re pissed at your husband and kids for not picking up the slack?

How much are you throwing at services that aren’t filling the gap of an engaged parent? You can afford to take a pay cut for at least that amount.

Do it. If you want to save your family you need to do that and work hard on your relationships.

[Anonymous]

If he’s a fed and gets off work at 3 he’s getting into work before 7, easily. That’s not easy nor lazy. I don’t believe he works less than 40 hours/week because that’s not really a thing, at least not in my agency.

So this and he’s responsible for all of the childcare and it’s his fault things aren’t running smoothly? Take a hard look in the mirror and acknowledge your part in this. He doesn’t owe you anything. I doubt he and your kids give a damn about how much you make or how hard you work. Get a new job, simplify, and be a family.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My husband has no career ambition and has ADHD and Aspie tendencies.

As such, he is better off working in whatever job he can get, because he would be a disaster at home raising the kids and taking care of the housework. He's been out of work many, many times, and during these periods has not lifted a finger in the house or taken any initiative in caring for the kids that hasn't resulted in either screaming at them or indulging them. With him, they would eat crap and have no routines or specific times for meals or going to sleep.

I didn't choose to stay home for that reason, but this is why I will never go back to full-time work until the kids are responsible enough to take care of themselves. Period. It's more important to raise our kids right than to get a lot of money.

I suggest you scale back, either at your current job or at another one. Or that you discuss with your spouse whether he could work more and you stay home. You might find that you are not such a good household manager and parent as you think you are, or you might do wonders! It's only if you try that you will know. Your children deserve better from you: not "stuff", but actual parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a fed and gets off work at 3 he’s getting into work before 7, easily. That’s not easy nor lazy. I don’t believe he works less than 40 hours/week because that’s not really a thing, at least not in my agency.

So this and he’s responsible for all of the childcare and it’s his fault things aren’t running smoothly? Take a hard look in the mirror and acknowledge your part in this. He doesn’t owe you anything. I doubt he and your kids give a damn about how much you make or how hard you work. Get a new job, simplify, and be a family.

+1. OP, you sound like all of those men who expect their wives to do 100% of the childcare and domestic work just because they (the men) make more money. He works full time, too. Just because you work time-and-a-half doesn't mean that he has to work two full time jobs. The house/kid stuff has always been both of your responsibilities.

My guess is that if we heard from him, he'd say you do absolutely nothing at home besides complain, and it's too much work, so he gave up.

[Anonymous]

I think you should leave. Why threaten? You are a huge part of the problem so maybe leaving will help.

[Anonymous]

OP, it looks like you bailed out of your family several years ago. And now you are really surprised?

[Anonymous]

I don't know why so many people are flaming you. I was in the same position. My husband, a professor, had a fairly light work load, no work during holidays and summer, yet he didn't even meet the bare minimum in cleaning/child care when I was working my tail off. Our kids suffered a lot though they are doing OK as a adults. I agree that you need to lay down the law. I'd start by disappearing for a weekend to get their attention, then taking up cell phones, game systems, cancelling cable and changing Wifi code daily to be given out only when homework and chores are done. Tell your husband your leaving him and the kids if he doesn't buy in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should leave. Why threaten? You are a huge part of the problem so maybe leaving will help.

Like a captain abandoning his crew on a sinking ship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you haven't been involved in rearing your children, and now you don't like how they turned out? LOL, ok.

Yeah. Op, get on an antidepressant. It's great your friend has no regrets after a year, but divorce lasts longer.

I'd try reading the Kandin method to elicit sustained behavior change from your kid's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids need clothing. Go online and buy them.

What are you talking about? She said her kids are spoiled and have tons of new clothes, manicures, etc.[/qu

The son with pants too small.she needs to go through her kids clothes and donate the one that's too small....

Why does SHE need to go through his clothes? A grown man is not capable of choosing properly fitting clothes for his kid? My guess is that he shamed her on purpose as everyone always blames the mom for problems with kids' behavior and appearance.

[Anonymous]

I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids need clothing. Go online and buy them.

What are you talking about? She said her kids are spoiled and have tons of new clothes, manicures, etc.[/qu

The son with pants too small.she needs to go through her kids clothes and donate the one that's too small....

Why does SHE need to go through his clothes? A grown man is not capable of choosing properly fitting clothes for his kid? My guess is that he shamed her on purpose as everyone always blames the mom for problems with kids' behavior and appearance.

What a bizarre POV. You seriously think that Op's husband buys his own son too small pants to wear in order to embarrass Op?

Does Op live in that house? Does she know her family? Maybe the husband is sick of being bitched at for buying the "wrong" clothes and doing everything else "wrong" in Op's eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've had tutors galore and house keepers. If I get home at 8 pm and they go to bed at 10:30 (yes), that gives me 2.5 hours with them. Assuming I have nothing else to do. He gets home at 3 (or earlier) and has 6.5 hours with them. He really is on the low end of the spectrum WRT household management. No initiative, no intuition. We are now thinking of getting a home maintenance contract because I am tired of reminding him to go things like call the gutter cleaners.
I told my oldest that sometimes, things simply don't work out. She asked why, and I simply said that I am just too tired.

Ok this one discrete problem has a solution - an Aerotech contract.

You need some more systems in place.

You are using a Level 100 solution for a Level 20 problem.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the kids. They have no one that cares about them.