Workings parents of two -- how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why civilized countries have a one-year maternity leave. Once #2 is a year old, it will be so much more doable. If you have the kind of job you can step out of for a year (I realize most people don't) it's totally worth it.

+1,000,000. I remember struggling really hard when I went back to work and eventually getting postpartum depression after my second, and I remember thinking if I was in Europe I would still be on maternity leave right now. And I wondered if I had had that long of a maternity leave if I still would've gotten postpartum depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 3.5 yo and 3.5 month old. Feel like no matter how much help we have, we are drowning in the daily work of staying afloat. Feeding both kids and ourselves, getting everyone dressed and bathed, keeping the house stocked with food and supplies, remembering to get clothes etc. for the kids... no matter how organized I try to be, there's like a million items on both mine and my partner's to-do list and it never ends. Is this normal, or are we missing something? How does everyone do it? We both work in fields where we need to carve out some mental space to get things done. Feels a bit Sisyphean at the moment.

Amazon Prime, Amazon Fresh or Instacart for groceries, Nurture Life for a few kids meals each week, Hello Fresh for family meals a few times a week! Outsource cleaning!

[Anonymous]

I am so happy I came across this. My husband and I are in the same boat BUT we only have one child . We both work FT however we cannot afford a cleaning company nor a nanny.

I just hate that our weekends are gone because we to catch up with household chores.

I guess its being a parent now. I do not regret it one bit but damn it is exhausting!!

We are debating if even trying for a second ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people are Surprised that others are jealous of stay at home parents.


All of this sounds like hell.

It's what families must do in order for a woman to be self actualized and not just responsible for cooking, cleaning and minding the children.

So the people that you pay to cook for you, clean for you, and mind your children are not self-actualited and never can be? Got it.

Exactly.

It's disgusting how some of you think about your help(yeah, yeah yeah you didn't mean it that way, bla bla bla). And I am saying this as a mom who has been both a SAHM and a working mom.

Why can't you just say "we prefer it this way" instead of coming up with some pathetic "self actualization" bullshit.

Someone has to clean and take care of the kids. It's okay to admit you enjoying working out of the home more or making more money. End there. No need for all the other bullshit reasons.

I totally agree with this opinion. For example, I'd rather work than clean up. Ideally, I'd be a SAHM with a FT nanny and weekly house cleaner but this is not happening unless we move far far away and give up the McLean schools. Therefore I prefer working / saving $ / keeping the kids in our preferred school district and having a FT nanny and cleaners. This doesn't mean it's the right choice for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 3.5 yo and 3.5 month old. Feel like no matter how much help we have, we are drowning in the daily work of staying afloat. Feeding both kids and ourselves, getting everyone dressed and bathed, keeping the house stocked with food and supplies, remembering to get clothes etc. for the kids... no matter how organized I try to be, there's like a million items on both mine and my partner's to-do list and it never ends. Is this normal, or are we missing something? How does everyone do it? We both work in fields where we need to carve out some mental space to get things done. Feels a bit Sisyphean at the moment.

Amazon Prime, Amazon Fresh or Instacart for groceries, Nurture Life for a few kids meals each week, Hello Fresh for family meals a few times a week! Outsource cleaning!

Thank you for sharing these. Nurture Life looks awesome. We use Sun Basket for family meal prep and it has been great so far (better than Blue Apron when we were using that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people are Surprised that others are jealous of stay at home parents.


All of this sounds like hell.

It's what families must do in order for a woman to be self actualized and not just responsible for cooking, cleaning and minding the children.

So the people that you pay to cook for you, clean for you, and mind your children are not self-actualited and never can be? Got it.

Exactly.

It's disgusting how some of you think about your help(yeah, yeah yeah you didn't mean it that way, bla bla bla). And I am saying this as a mom who has been both a SAHM and a working mom.

Why can't you just say "we prefer it this way" instead of coming up with some pathetic "self actualization" bullshit.

Someone has to clean and take care of the kids. It's okay to admit you enjoying working out of the home more or making more money. End there. No need for all the other bullshit reasons.

Our nanny is amazing. She has raised a great family of her own and we are so grateful she is part of our family and helping us raise ours. But beyond being a nanny which requires experience with children, endless patience and energy, and kindness, she does not have skills the labor force recognizes since she doesn't have a college degree, any computer skills or desire to work in an office, and English is very much a second language. We pay her well, she has a short commute to our house, and about 8 weeks paid time off between our PTO and time grandparents take the kids, etc.

So she has it much better working as a nanny than a low paid hourly worker. We paid her full salary when she took four weeks to return to her home country last year or when she is not feeling well and needs a day off. We clearly DO value her work clearly much more than the labor force.

Congrats?

You missed my point - flew right over your head. Wasn't looking for congratulations. Someone said that WMs don't value their childcare providers - and I was saying we value ours much more than the American labor force does, who would pay her much less, with much fewer benefits, than we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people are Surprised that others are jealous of stay at home parents.


All of this sounds like hell.

It's what families must do in order for a woman to be self actualized and not just responsible for cooking, cleaning and minding the children.

So the people that you pay to cook for you, clean for you, and mind your children are not self-actualited and never can be? Got it.

Exactly.

It's disgusting how some of you think about your help(yeah, yeah yeah you didn't mean it that way, bla bla bla). And I am saying this as a mom who has been both a SAHM and a working mom.

Why can't you just say "we prefer it this way" instead of coming up with some pathetic "self actualization" bullshit.

Someone has to clean and take care of the kids. It's okay to admit you enjoying working out of the home more or making more money. End there. No need for all the other bullshit reasons.

Our nanny is amazing. She has raised a great family of her own and we are so grateful she is part of our family and helping us raise ours. But beyond being a nanny which requires experience with children, endless patience and energy, and kindness, she does not have skills the labor force recognizes since she doesn't have a college degree, any computer skills or desire to work in an office, and English is very much a second language. We pay her well, she has a short commute to our house, and about 8 weeks paid time off between our PTO and time grandparents take the kids, etc.

So she has it much better working as a nanny than a low paid hourly worker. We paid her full salary when she took four weeks to return to her home country last year or when she is not feeling well and needs a day off. We clearly DO value her work clearly much more than the labor force.

Congrats?

You missed my point - flew right over your head. Wasn't looking for congratulations. Someone said that WMs don't value their childcare providers - and I was saying we value ours much more than the American labor force does, who would pay her much less, with much fewer benefits, than we do.

Nope, I got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so happy I came across this. My husband and I are in the same boat BUT we only have one child . We both work FT however we cannot afford a cleaning company nor a nanny.

I just hate that our weekends are gone because we to catch up with household chores.

I guess its being a parent now. I do not regret it one bit but damn it is exhausting!!

We are debating if even trying for a second ...

Right there with you!! The only things that are saving our weekends right now are a) living in a tiny house so there is less to clean, and b) doing most of the laundry during the week. We have a newer model w/d and I discovered I could load the washer before bed and set it to run the next morning at 5am, then when I get up I immediately load the dryer and run it. That night after DC is in bed is when we take the clothes out of the dryer and fold them.

And our DC has had so many sleep problems, my DH isn't even debating trying for a second.. ha. I would like a second but it's hard to even fathom how we would survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people are Surprised that others are jealous of stay at home parents.


All of this sounds like hell.

It's what families must do in order for a woman to be self actualized and not just responsible for cooking, cleaning and minding the children.

So the people that you pay to cook for you, clean for you, and mind your children are not self-actualited and never can be? Got it.

Exactly.

It's disgusting how some of you think about your help(yeah, yeah yeah you didn't mean it that way, bla bla bla). And I am saying this as a mom who has been both a SAHM and a working mom.

Why can't you just say "we prefer it this way" instead of coming up with some pathetic "self actualization" bullshit.

Someone has to clean and take care of the kids. It's okay to admit you enjoying working out of the home more or making more money. End there. No need for all the other bullshit reasons.

Our nanny is amazing. She has raised a great family of her own and we are so grateful she is part of our family and helping us raise ours. But beyond being a nanny which requires experience with children, endless patience and energy, and kindness, she does not have skills the labor force recognizes since she doesn't have a college degree, any computer skills or desire to work in an office, and English is very much a second language. We pay her well, she has a short commute to our house, and about 8 weeks paid time off between our PTO and time grandparents take the kids, etc.

So she has it much better working as a nanny than a low paid hourly worker. We paid her full salary when she took four weeks to return to her home country last year or when she is not feeling well and needs a day off. We clearly DO value her work clearly much more than the labor force.

Congrats?

You missed my point - flew right over your head. Wasn't looking for congratulations. Someone said that WMs don't value their childcare providers - and I was saying we value ours much more than the American labor force does, who would pay her much less, with much fewer benefits, than we do.

Nope, I got it.

Oh, so you just wanted to be bitchy. Got it!

[Anonymous]

I cut my schedule at work to 90% and now work half-days on Fridays. It gives me three solid hours every week to get errands done. I also work from home one day/week and that gives me some time to get basic laundry and stuff done around the house. We have a cleaning person come once/week and she also does laundry.

Are any of these things possible for you?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the first year was difficult because I was sleep deprived. And nursing sucked. Once I got sleep and weaned, I handled everything much better.

I also did not marry a man child. My husband does plenty and shares the mental load of parenting and running our lives. We run things by each other, but we both notice when we're out of things or when the trash cans need to be brought in or whether the kids need clothes at daycare, etc. I would say we're the exception. Almost all of my friends have spouses who don't do this. As a result, they are either stressed and juggling it all and resentful or resigned that this is their life or they quit, being SAHMs, STILL do all of the house stuff and are either resigned or resentful.

We both handle sick days. We split drop offs and pick ups. We meal plan together, share a peapod account that we both add to and basically run things jointly. If anything, he handles more than I do because he has excellent executive functioning skills and is super organized.

Our kids are 3 and 5. It's actually a joy. I wouldn't think this when my kids were infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the first year was difficult because I was sleep deprived. And nursing sucked. Once I got sleep and weaned, I handled everything much better.

I also did not marry a man child. My husband does plenty and shares the mental load of parenting and running our lives. We run things by each other, but we both notice when we're out of things or when the trash cans need to be brought in or whether the kids need clothes at daycare, etc. I would say we're the exception. Almost all of my friends have spouses who don't do this. As a result, they are either stressed and juggling it all and resentful or resigned that this is their life or they quit, being SAHMs, STILL do all of the house stuff and are either resigned or resentful.

We both handle sick days. We split drop offs and pick ups. We meal plan together, share a peapod account that we both add to and basically run things jointly. If anything, he handles more than I do because he has excellent executive functioning skills and is super organized.

Our kids are 3 and 5. It's actually a joy. I wouldn't think this when my kids were infants.

OP here... yes, I remember that after about 1.5 yo with the first, things became downright easy. Good to know that after the chaos of the infant time, things will become more manageable. My husband is like yours, luckily -- I know it's not the norm. Our balance shifts over time depending on what's happening with our careers and there have definitely been years when he has done the bulk of the house stuff.

Any other tips for organization besides shopping/meal prep? We have a pretty good routine down with all of that, I think. What do you do for shopping for the kids' clothes/shoes/supplies? Juggling appointments/family calendars? Not trying to get caught in the minutiae of daily life, and prioritizing meaningful family time (could even be through working together on house stuff)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the first year was difficult because I was sleep deprived. And nursing sucked. Once I got sleep and weaned, I handled everything much better.

I also did not marry a man child. My husband does plenty and shares the mental load of parenting and running our lives. We run things by each other, but we both notice when we're out of things or when the trash cans need to be brought in or whether the kids need clothes at daycare, etc. I would say we're the exception. Almost all of my friends have spouses who don't do this. As a result, they are either stressed and juggling it all and resentful or resigned that this is their life or they quit, being SAHMs, STILL do all of the house stuff and are either resigned or resentful.

We both handle sick days. We split drop offs and pick ups. We meal plan together, share a peapod account that we both add to and basically run things jointly. If anything, he handles more than I do because he has excellent executive functioning skills and is super organized.

Our kids are 3 and 5. It's actually a joy. I wouldn't think this when my kids were infants.

OP here... yes, I remember that after about 1.5 yo with the first, things became downright easy. Good to know that after the chaos of the infant time, things will become more manageable. My husband is like yours, luckily -- I know it's not the norm. Our balance shifts over time depending on what's happening with our careers and there have definitely been years when he has done the bulk of the house stuff.

Any other tips for organization besides shopping/meal prep? We have a pretty good routine down with all of that, I think. What do you do for shopping for the kids' clothes/shoes/supplies? Juggling appointments/family calendars? Not trying to get caught in the minutiae of daily life, and prioritizing meaningful family time (could even be through working together on house stuff)?

For kids clothing, we basically buy their clothes two times a year -- late April and October. That's their spring/summer or fall/winter wardrobe. They get plenty from the grandparents in between, though. When it comes to supplies, we just respond to whatever the preschool wants. For K, my DH has already looked and learned that it's a basic box of stuff we can order through the PTA. So, we'll just do that.

In terms of calendars, we have a shared google calendar that is synced with our outlooks. We both put things into it and we both check it on Sundays to see what's what. We do a peapod delivery on Friday night and supplement with a short shopping for fresh fruit and vegetables on Sundays (unless we go to a farmers market). Sunday is laundry day. DH basically does everyone's laundry, including mine. He and I fold and put away the kids clothes while they play in their rooms and do ours in the evening (usually while we're drinking a glass of wine).

The kids clothes are put into one of these on Sunday. We pull out each kids outfit in the morning and it's got everything needed including socks/underwear. We use something like this. https://www.amazon.com/Whitmor-Shelf-Hanging-Accessory-Bag/dp/B00K5NBQFA/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_201_lp_t_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=B7WHPXCTKS4J7QX291N5

Cooking. We meal plan on Saturday and create a shopping list that is either fed into pea pod account or into a Wunderlist app on our phones (basically a list app that we can share). I usually cook, because I like it.

We pre-pack everyone's lunch the night before. DH and I also basically map out our outfits for the week, so we're not running around wondering where something is in the morning.

In terms of cleaning, we have a cleaning lady once every two weeks. DH usually cleans up dinner while I am putting the kids to bed. He usually pops in right before lights out, though.

We're sort of regimented, but it works for us. If you want to have spontaneity, I think it would be more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 2 and 5, so I hear you OP. We have house cleaners twice a month, and I order nearly everything. But the big thing was that we both switched up our working hours to make things work a bit better for now (DH works a fed job now, allowing him to pick up and drop off big kid, and I started my own biz, so I start at 10, giving me the morning to help with kids out the door and drop off little kid, and squeeze in a work out). And before that, it was a lot of delivery meals and knowing that it won't be forever. Be gentle on yourself. There is no perfect.

[Anonymous]

We have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. My husband does fully 50% of the effort, which is why it's working for us. But it is a lot of work with little downtime.

We both work only 8 hours. He works 6-2 and I work 8:30-4:30. We get up at 5-ish and he does some prep for kid's lunch and breakfast before he leaves. I get both kids in the AM and get them to daycare at 7:30. He gets about an hour at home to take care of a few things before picking the kids up at 4.

Dinner is between 5:30 and 6. My husband does 90% of the cooking while I entertain the kids. Then baths and bed. Now that I'm nursing, I focus on the baby and my husband deals with the toddler most of the time. Hopefully soon we'll be able to streamline and bathe both together etc. After that, we prep bottles and lunch for the next day, watch 30 min of TV and are in bed around 9. We have a cleaning lady every other week and I do laundry every weekend. There's not a lot of excitement.

I buy most clothes online. Amazon Prime is a lifesaver. We only plan one "activity" a day on the weekends, like the playground, and often it's only one per weekend. He's 2 - he enjoys going to see Thomas, but he's also just as happy running around the yard. Plus he's at daycare all week so we don't feel like the weekends need to be very planned. One of us goes grocery shopping over the weekend, often with one kid. I usually do Stroller Strides on Saturdays and bring a kid.