Workings parents of two -- how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Both DH and I have full time jobs- work 50-60 hours per week. We have two DDs- one is 3 and the other is 4. Have had the same nanny since the first was born. She cooks for us twice a week and does the groceries. She also does the kids laundry. We also have a weeknight babysitter Monday through Thursday who relieves her at 5pm and stays until 7:30pm. That way we aren't rushing home in crazy traffic. Kids have eaten dinner and are bathed and in their pajamas when we get home. We get an hour with them, reading books and talking about their day.

Weekends are sacred family time. But since laundry, cooking, groceries have all been done during the week, and we have cleaning service that takes care of the cleaning, weekends are free and clear for family time only.

I am this PP. This works for our family. And once our kids are just a couple years older, with their own friends, full day school, and other activities, we will continue being fulfilled by our careers and family concurrently, while some of you will be whining about not being able to get back into your careers or money problems. Come back in a couple of years and let us know how it's worked out for you. For me? I'm planning on cutting back when our daughters are in middle school because frankly, I think that's when girls could use some extra parental attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It helps a lot to hear everyone's schedule and juggling strategies, thank you. DH and I are both pretty flexible in terms of working from home, we are not in 9-5 jobs so that helps in some ways (on the other hand work can take up as much time as there is). Problem is when we work from home, we tend to get sucked into just tidying one thing or running a load of this or that which really breaks the work flow...

Older child is in preschool from 8-4. When he gets home we cook and have dinner. Right now we have a ton of help with the baby, although I am WAH in order to nurse. I guess when I think about it, it's really the exhausting weekends, when we don't have help, and the feeling that my day is split up from all the nursing. I think it will be easier once the sleep consolidates and the naps get more regular. Baby is also 80% sleeping without being held this month, so that helps.

In terms of house supplies, we Amazon Prime a lot. I guess I am just always discovering that older child needs water shoes or younger one needs bibs or what not. I never feel on top of that stuff.

Will look into grocery delivery. Wish WFs had a curbside service.

I hate to break it to you, but you've really got it easy.

Job flexibility, no commute, one kid in daycare all day (8-4), hired help for the baby.

Imagine this scenario:

Two working parents, one parent has a 90 minute commute each way, demanding careers (one involves travel 6x a year), four kids in elementary/middle school, all kids have sports/dance/religion classes throughout the week plus games and parties each weekend, no nanny, no housekeeper, no lawn service. That's my life. Plus, I have some medical issues. And, two of the four grandparents have medical issues and rely on us for assistance.

My tips: lower your expectations. Sometimes cereal and yogurt for dinner is fine. Some nights you skip the bath and just let the kid fall asleep in your bed with you while watching cartoons.

OP here. I hear you that four kids under those circumstances are tough.

Everyone's situations are different. We both have demanding jobs, both of us travel several times a year. We do have flexibility to work at home but basically the job is as many hours as you can give and the field is highly competitive so there's no down time. Extended family lives overseas. Love DC1's school, but it can take 30 min in traffic to get there so that is 2 hrs out of the day sometimes. I realize that is a choice, same way it's our choice to parent in a certain way. It took us a long time to have kids due to medical issues and I think that might be a factor in how we think about them...but for example we try to follow recommendations for sleep even if it means moving our schedule, same with nutrition even if it means more time for us. I know plenty of kids are fine without that but it's just the way we both want to raise ours. And the main reason I wouldn't want to have a third is because I don't think I could provide for all of their needs, including attention, and stay sane. We both grew up in three-child families where the parents were under stress for reasons like what you describe and I don't think it is something we personally want to repeat. No judgment, because everyone is different...I wasn't trying to say we have it particularly hard. I guess what others are saying about work culture not being particularly accommodating to anyone who wants or needs to care for dependents is just the current reality. It impacts women disproportionately due to the expectations, but I think it also is no picnic for men like my partner who want to be involved.

I think it's very interesting that you agonize over sleep schedules, meals and the number of kids you have in an effort to be the "best parents" yet you aren't willing to address the biggest obstacle to achieving your parenting goal: two demanding, high stress jobs that require travel. Your post actually made me laugh.

Sorry, op, but nobody can help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

And while I shared my personal deets to prove a point (that your life really isn't as difficult as you think...regardless of how many kids you have) the reality is that DH and I aren't apt to kvetch about our situation. Our schedules are hectic, but we have a happy home filled with love. DH and I don't bring our work home; we focus 100% of our attention on our kids as soon as we walk through the door. While DH and I have careers in the public interest arena and we are passionate about how our work is changing the world, our kids come first. Always. Not the work, not money, not personal career satisfaction...the kids.

You and your partner could make changes if you want to. You stopped at two kids precisely for a perceived quality of life, so why not reexamine your careers and strive for a better work-life balance? It sounds like that's your real problem. (Although you also sound like you have issues with control. If you're a classic Type A, then you might struggle with stepping back from your career to prioritize to your kids.)

OP here. Wow, a lot of judgment! I think you need to step back a little. I wasn't complaining about my life, but asking how people do it to get ideas.

As for career, yes a choice. We are academics and pre-tenure it's publish or perish. I think most academics have great work-life balance post tenure, and I'm trying to take the long view. My father was an academic and a very involved and present parent, post-tenure (but I don't remember pre because I was too young). It would be lovely to have the choice to step back but it's not really structured like that if you want to do research. I think there's room in the world for everyone's contribution, don't you?

As for your happiness with your family, mazel tov. Try to share a little bit of that love and light with this world, rather than judging from a place of preconceptions and self-righteousness. We all need it.

Perhaps take some of your own advice, op?

You sounded very judgmental re: # of kids, bedtime schedule and meals. You basically said you love your kids more/care more/better parent since you stopped at two (to give them more attention), care about their sleep schedule, and are more concerned with healthy meals.

If you can read a tone and infer judgment, then so can others.

Bottom line: you've got it comparatively easy. I actually know a couple of academics with young twins, and they are the first to admit they are living the life! They have total flexibility to be with their twins. Having said that, what exactly do you think you need help with/tips on to make your life easier? I'm not seeing anything.

Sounds like it hit a nerve. Someone secretly regrets having four kids, but could never admit it.

[Anonymous]

Megan, is that you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It helps a lot to hear everyone's schedule and juggling strategies, thank you. DH and I are both pretty flexible in terms of working from home, we are not in 9-5 jobs so that helps in some ways (on the other hand work can take up as much time as there is). Problem is when we work from home, we tend to get sucked into just tidying one thing or running a load of this or that which really breaks the work flow...

Older child is in preschool from 8-4. When he gets home we cook and have dinner. Right now we have a ton of help with the baby, although I am WAH in order to nurse. I guess when I think about it, it's really the exhausting weekends, when we don't have help, and the feeling that my day is split up from all the nursing. I think it will be easier once the sleep consolidates and the naps get more regular. Baby is also 80% sleeping without being held this month, so that helps.

In terms of house supplies, we Amazon Prime a lot. I guess I am just always discovering that older child needs water shoes or younger one needs bibs or what not. I never feel on top of that stuff.

Will look into grocery delivery. Wish WFs had a curbside service.

I hate to break it to you, but you've really got it easy.

Job flexibility, no commute, one kid in daycare all day (8-4), hired help for the baby.

Imagine this scenario:

Two working parents, one parent has a 90 minute commute each way, demanding careers (one involves travel 6x a year), four kids in elementary/middle school, all kids have sports/dance/religion classes throughout the week plus games and parties each weekend, no nanny, no housekeeper, no lawn service. That's my life. Plus, I have some medical issues. And, two of the four grandparents have medical issues and rely on us for assistance.

My tips: lower your expectations. Sometimes cereal and yogurt for dinner is fine. Some nights you skip the bath and just let the kid fall asleep in your bed with you while watching cartoons.

OP here. I hear you that four kids under those circumstances are tough.

Everyone's situations are different. We both have demanding jobs, both of us travel several times a year. We do have flexibility to work at home but basically the job is as many hours as you can give and the field is highly competitive so there's no down time. Extended family lives overseas. Love DC1's school, but it can take 30 min in traffic to get there so that is 2 hrs out of the day sometimes. I realize that is a choice, same way it's our choice to parent in a certain way. It took us a long time to have kids due to medical issues and I think that might be a factor in how we think about them...but for example we try to follow recommendations for sleep even if it means moving our schedule, same with nutrition even if it means more time for us. I know plenty of kids are fine without that but it's just the way we both want to raise ours. And the main reason I wouldn't want to have a third is because I don't think I could provide for all of their needs, including attention, and stay sane. We both grew up in three-child families where the parents were under stress for reasons like what you describe and I don't think it is something we personally want to repeat. No judgment, because everyone is different...I wasn't trying to say we have it particularly hard. I guess what others are saying about work culture not being particularly accommodating to anyone who wants or needs to care for dependents is just the current reality. It impacts women disproportionately due to the expectations, but I think it also is no picnic for men like my partner who want to be involved.

I think it's very interesting that you agonize over sleep schedules, meals and the number of kids you have in an effort to be the "best parents" yet you aren't willing to address the biggest obstacle to achieving your parenting goal: two demanding, high stress jobs that require travel. Your post actually made me laugh.

Sorry, op, but nobody can help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

And while I shared my personal deets to prove a point (that your life really isn't as difficult as you think...regardless of how many kids you have) the reality is that DH and I aren't apt to kvetch about our situation. Our schedules are hectic, but we have a happy home filled with love. DH and I don't bring our work home; we focus 100% of our attention on our kids as soon as we walk through the door. While DH and I have careers in the public interest arena and we are passionate about how our work is changing the world, our kids come first. Always. Not the work, not money, not personal career satisfaction...the kids.

You and your partner could make changes if you want to. You stopped at two kids precisely for a perceived quality of life, so why not reexamine your careers and strive for a better work-life balance? It sounds like that's your real problem. (Although you also sound like you have issues with control. If you're a classic Type A, then you might struggle with stepping back from your career to prioritize to your kids.)

OP here. Wow, a lot of judgment! I think you need to step back a little. I wasn't complaining about my life, but asking how people do it to get ideas.

As for career, yes a choice. We are academics and pre-tenure it's publish or perish. I think most academics have great work-life balance post tenure, and I'm trying to take the long view. My father was an academic and a very involved and present parent, post-tenure (but I don't remember pre because I was too young). It would be lovely to have the choice to step back but it's not really structured like that if you want to do research. I think there's room in the world for everyone's contribution, don't you?

As for your happiness with your family, mazel tov. Try to share a little bit of that love and light with this world, rather than judging from a place of preconceptions and self-righteousness. We all need it.

Perhaps take some of your own advice, op?

You sounded very judgmental re: # of kids, bedtime schedule and meals. You basically said you love your kids more/care more/better parent since you stopped at two (to give them more attention), care about their sleep schedule, and are more concerned with healthy meals.

If you can read a tone and infer judgment, then so can others.

Bottom line: you've got it comparatively easy. I actually know a couple of academics with young twins, and they are the first to admit they are living the life! They have total flexibility to be with their twins. Having said that, what exactly do you think you need help with/tips on to make your life easier? I'm not seeing anything.

Lady, you are off your rocker. OP said she didn't think she could do it and stay sane. She admitted they care about certain things in parenting, and that is their preference. You are the one turning everything into a comparison. Blah blah "comparatively easy" - will you lay off the suffering Olympics? You basically came on here to say your situation is a lot harder, yet you are a lot more grateful, your family is more loving and focused on real values as opposed to all the career driven, money loving Type As around you...sheesh. I honestly wouldn't want to be your child. You sound like you have a very fragile sense of self and you spend way too much time wondering how you measure up relative to others but not admitting it to yourself. Trust me, your kids feel it and deep down they resent you for making everything about you. People who actually care about others don't need to go around bragging about how they save the world and put their children before all else. It's ok if you don't win the prize for best little girl today, I promise.

If you don't know how to help, how about just keep your mouth shut and scroll on by? Why even bother to answer to someone else's post, oh hey but look at me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Both DH and I have full time jobs- work 50-60 hours per week. We have two DDs- one is 3 and the other is 4. Have had the same nanny since the first was born. She cooks for us twice a week and does the groceries. She also does the kids laundry. We also have a weeknight babysitter Monday through Thursday who relieves her at 5pm and stays until 7:30pm. That way we aren't rushing home in crazy traffic. Kids have eaten dinner and are bathed and in their pajamas when we get home. We get an hour with them, reading books and talking about their day.

Weekends are sacred family time. But since laundry, cooking, groceries have all been done during the week, and we have cleaning service that takes care of the cleaning, weekends are free and clear for family time only.

I am this PP. This works for our family. And once our kids are just a couple years older, with their own friends, full day school, and other activities, we will continue being fulfilled by our careers and family concurrently, while some of you will be whining about not being able to get back into your careers or money problems. Come back in a couple of years and let us know how it's worked out for you. For me? I'm planning on cutting back when our daughters are in middle school because frankly, I think that's when girls could use some extra parental attention.

You have no idea. Kids want mom or dad after schoool (not just for an hour before bed) when the emotional and social stresses of even elementary school start. You will know so little about their day once they start school as it is. And to only see them an hour at night is just not going to be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people are Surprised that others are jealous of stay at home parents.


All of this sounds like hell.

It's what families must do in order for a woman to be self actualized and not just responsible for cooking, cleaning and minding the children.

So the people that you pay to cook for you, clean for you, and mind your children are not self-actualited and never can be? Got it.

Right?? LOL.

Sometimes I wonder if the people who say things really hear what they're saying and the implications of their statements. Sooooo unbelievably classicist (and fwiw, I am a working mom with a master's degree who strongly believes in the sake of education of for education. However, I also believe you can be "self actualized" and not work a 50 hour work week or have a college degree).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like it gets much easier as they get older.

Tell me about it. With all the homework, school projects, recitals, hobbies, school events, and extracurricular activities it makes me miss the early childhood years. Parents of younger children count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Both DH and I have full time jobs- work 50-60 hours per week. We have two DDs- one is 3 and the other is 4. Have had the same nanny since the first was born. She cooks for us twice a week and does the groceries. She also does the kids laundry. We also have a weeknight babysitter Monday through Thursday who relieves her at 5pm and stays until 7:30pm. That way we aren't rushing home in crazy traffic. Kids have eaten dinner and are bathed and in their pajamas when we get home. We get an hour with them, reading books and talking about their day.

Weekends are sacred family time. But since laundry, cooking, groceries have all been done during the week, and we have cleaning service that takes care of the cleaning, weekends are free and clear for family time only.

I am this PP. This works for our family. And once our kids are just a couple years older, with their own friends, full day school, and other activities, we will continue being fulfilled by our careers and family concurrently, while some of you will be whining about not being able to get back into your careers or money problems. Come back in a couple of years and let us know how it's worked out for you. For me? I'm planning on cutting back when our daughters are in middle school because frankly, I think that's when girls could use some extra parental attention.

Anyone who is fulfilled would not come on an anonymous forum and post a meaningless dig like you have. You are clearly insecure. Go work on that and come back in a couple years when you can discuss your life and choices maturely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like it gets much easier as they get older.

Tell me about it. With all the homework, school projects, recitals, hobbies, school events, and extracurricular activities it makes me miss the early childhood years. Parents of younger children count your blessings.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like it gets much easier as they get older.

Tell me about it. With all the homework, school projects, recitals, hobbies, school events, and extracurricular activities it makes me miss the early childhood years. Parents of younger children count your blessings.

+1

See, I don't get this. My kids did 1 thing a season. That's it. They went to aftercare otherwise.

As a nurse, I got off right around 3 and was usually home around 4ish (unpaid charting, sigh and errands). I usually was around for homework and then they basically played outside with friends or each other until dinner.

A couple of times a week, I'd do the sports practice. DH handled weekends and games.

I don't get the parents of older kids complaining. My kids were AWFUL sleepers. I was sleep deprived for years. That stuff isn't something to tut tut. If anything, I found having older kids fairly easy.

High school was more complicated, but it was usually because of the normal social stuff and making sure they were on track academically.

They are in college now and I actually miss how must hustle and bustle there was around here. It's so quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like it gets much easier as they get older.

Tell me about it. With all the homework, school projects, recitals, hobbies, school events, and extracurricular activities it makes me miss the early childhood years. Parents of younger children count your blessings.

+1

See, I don't get this. My kids did 1 thing a season. That's it. They went to aftercare otherwise.

As a nurse, I got off right around 3 and was usually home around 4ish (unpaid charting, sigh and errands). I usually was around for homework and then they basically played outside with friends or each other until dinner.

A couple of times a week, I'd do the sports practice. DH handled weekends and games.

I don't get the parents of older kids complaining. My kids were AWFUL sleepers. I was sleep deprived for years. That stuff isn't something to tut tut. If anything, I found having older kids fairly easy.

High school was more complicated, but it was usually because of the normal social stuff and making sure they were on track academically.

They are in college now and I actually miss how must hustle and bustle there was around here. It's so quiet.

Yes thanks for this

Look folks life is about choices

It's a choice to have kids

It's a choice to helicopter about kids

It's a choice to pick a job/career/location where working after working hours is the norm

These are all choices. If you can't handle your current life situation put on your big girl pants and make some choices. Hint YOU CANT HAVE IT ALL lolz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like it gets much easier as they get older.

Tell me about it. With all the homework, school projects, recitals, hobbies, school events, and extracurricular activities it makes me miss the early childhood years. Parents of younger children count your blessings.

+1

See, I don't get this. My kids did 1 thing a season. That's it. They went to aftercare otherwise.

As a nurse, I got off right around 3 and was usually home around 4ish (unpaid charting, sigh and errands). I usually was around for homework and then they basically played outside with friends or each other until dinner.

A couple of times a week, I'd do the sports practice. DH handled weekends and games.

I don't get the parents of older kids complaining. My kids were AWFUL sleepers. I was sleep deprived for years. That stuff isn't something to tut tut. If anything, I found having older kids fairly easy.

High school was more complicated, but it was usually because of the normal social stuff and making sure they were on track academically.

They are in college now and I actually miss how must hustle and bustle there was around here. It's so quiet.

Well that's where we differ. We have three kids and they're each in three different activities year round. Plus add in all their school stuff, birthday parties, and play dates. It's a lot. But we want them to be passionate about their hobbies and involved in the community: those are things that we really value as people and we want our family life to reflect that so...we suck it up and put the time and effort in. We're out every night of the week and 2x on Saturdays. Several nights a week we have to divide and conquer because two kids have to be in different places at once.

Fwiw, just judging by what I see in the community, my experience is very typical and it's not as common for parents to tell their kids they can only be in one activity at a time.