I wanted to have sex with DH today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

That was my point, I don't and don't want to ask him and explain how to be a more equitable partner in this relationship. I do not understand why, after having prior discussions about how I need him to do more chores and help with the kids over and over, he doesn't come up with the initiative on his own without me having to ask him to help in the moment. I don't care how he loads the dishwasher, and we even have different parenting styles and I don't mind that, as long as he does engage the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

That was my point, I don't and don't want to ask him and explain how to be a more equitable partner in this relationship. I do not understand why, after having prior discussions about how I need him to do more chores and help with the kids over and over, he doesn't come up with the initiative on his own without me having to ask him to help in the moment. I don't care how he loads the dishwasher, and we even have different parenting styles and I don't mind that, as long as he does engage the kids.

So remind me again why you wanted to have sex with him? If I acted like your DH, I don't think my wife would want to ever have sex with me...but then again, I don't work in biglaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

Don't men ever get tired of not being able to read between the lines? I would hate to have to be told explicitly every single thing in a relationship - "help me with the usual chores if you want sex." Yuck, so....blunt....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

That was my point, I don't and don't want to ask him and explain how to be a more equitable partner in this relationship. I do not understand why, after having prior discussions about how I need him to do more chores and help with the kids over and over, he doesn't come up with the initiative on his own without me having to ask him to help in the moment. I don't care how he loads the dishwasher, and we even have different parenting styles and I don't mind that, as long as he does engage the kids.

So remind me again why you wanted to have sex with him? If I acted like your DH, I don't think my wife would want to ever have sex with me...but then again, I don't work in biglaw.

Some women do have spontaneous desire, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

All I know is "playing a game" was not my intention. I can't speak to how he was interpreting it.

If this was the third or sixth time in as many years that we've had the larger conversation of me asking him to do more, perhaps I could understand not putting the pieces together in last night's particular situation. But we have this same issue discussion every few months. Ive even communicated to him on multiple occasions that helping me get these chores done as a team would allow us more opportunity to have sex, watch tv together, read, whatever.

[Anonymous]

If a woman sees you running around doing chores, she'll either say, what can I do? or she'll look around, see what needs doing, and just pitch in. She knows she's part of the team. So many men still grow up not being taught that they're co-captains of the household team. It's not a fun team to be on, so there's little motivation to open their eyes and join in. Plus, women will get things done anyway, right? Men need to learn that it's no different than their work teams and sports teams, and they're not exempt from pitching in and pulling their weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

That was my point, I don't and don't want to ask him and explain how to be a more equitable partner in this relationship. I do not understand why, after having prior discussions about how I need him to do more chores and help with the kids over and over, he doesn't come up with the initiative on his own without me having to ask him to help in the moment. I don't care how he loads the dishwasher, and we even have different parenting styles and I don't mind that, as long as he does engage the kids.

So remind me again why you wanted to have sex with him? If I acted like your DH, I don't think my wife would want to ever have sex with me...but then again, I don't work in biglaw.

Some women do have spontaneous desire, you know.

Yes, we all understand that. This was a text for a future time that evening. It wasn't a "I'm horny, let's go upstairs right now" sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

Don't men ever get tired of not being able to read between the lines? I would hate to have to be told explicitly every single thing in a relationship - "help me with the usual chores if you want sex." Yuck, so....blunt....

I think men innately sense that they are going to die ten years earlier than their wives and in many ways are weaker and more worn out after work than women are. Men are hard on the outside and women are hard on the inside. It's almost unhealthy for men to push themselves beyond their competitive jobs. It seems like they need downtime more than women. I think they are willing to live in a dirty chaotic situation if it adds a few years to their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So remind me again why you wanted to have sex with him? If I acted like your DH, I don't think my wife would want to ever have sex with me...but then again, I don't work in biglaw.

Because I love him + he's my husband + I felt like having sex. I get your point of course. Sometimes I don't want to have sex with him, because I'm tired from doing everything and because the inequity breeds resentment for me. I do not want to resent him or harbor frustration for the situation. I've actually communicated those things to him too: "When I have to do everything myself, I am tired, and resentment builds, and I sometimes feel like I don't even want to have sex with you. If you helped out more with the chores and the kids, it would make me feel more supported and more interested in having sex" etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

That's pathetic, PP. It is absolutely pathetic that a grown man cares more about his own down time than spending time with his kids, participating in his household, etc. I am certain that OP's husband enjoys the house being clean. I'm sure that he also reaps the rewards of her work on things like kid birthday parties and making dinner. He would, no doubt, complain if those things stopped happening, even if he was permitted to go to the gym and get his precious, precious down time.

It is a daily reality for many women that we spend our days at offices and then come home for another 6 hour shift at home with partners who think that once they finish their work day, it's now time for them to engage in whatever pleasure activities suit them. It is disrespectful as hell that they do not notice or care that their partners are doing all the work at home. Making a lot of money does not exempt you from being a full participant in home life, and sitting around watching TV after having a leisurely workout and eating dinner that someone else made for you while you were not taking care of your own children makes you a shitty partner. I literally do not care how much money you make. It's selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

Don't men ever get tired of not being able to read between the lines? I would hate to have to be told explicitly every single thing in a relationship - "help me with the usual chores if you want sex." Yuck, so....blunt....

I think men innately sense that they are going to die ten years earlier than their wives and in many ways are weaker and more worn out after work than women are. Men are hard on the outside and women are hard on the inside. It's almost unhealthy for men to push themselves beyond their competitive jobs. It seems like they need downtime more than women. I think they are willing to live in a dirty chaotic situation if it adds a few years to their lives.

Nope. Men will do what they can get away with doing. We don't have any desire to be martyrs. We don't go around telling everyone how hard we work ("Never let them see you sweat"). But, if you want to believe what you just wrote, that's fine with me.

[Anonymous]

He brought home balloons for his children and I'm sure he interacts with them a lot. Probably organized their sports teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

Don't men ever get tired of not being able to read between the lines? I would hate to have to be told explicitly every single thing in a relationship - "help me with the usual chores if you want sex." Yuck, so....blunt....

I think men innately sense that they are going to die ten years earlier than their wives and in many ways are weaker and more worn out after work than women are. Men are hard on the outside and women are hard on the inside. It's almost unhealthy for men to push themselves beyond their competitive jobs. It seems like they need downtime more than women. I think they are willing to live in a dirty chaotic situation if it adds a few years to their lives.

Nope. Men will do what they can get away with doing. We don't have any desire to be martyrs. We don't go around telling everyone how hard we work ("Never let them see you sweat"). But, if you want to believe what you just wrote, that's fine with me.

You didn't respond to anything I wrote. Ask your man "do you think you need more downtime because you are going to die ten years earlier than me? Do you think it may be harder on your insides to be doing chores when you feel the need to recharge?"

That might get a thoughtful and honest conversation going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He brought home balloons for his children and I'm sure he interacts with them a lot. Probably organized their sports teams.

Not sure if you're being sarcastic. He brought balloons because I asked him to. He interacts with them to play with them, never puts them to bed, never feeds them dinner. Occasionally gives them breakfast while I'm getting ready for work. Rarely wakes up with them on the weekends. Doesn't take them to the doctor, or to sports. Sometimes takes them to school, if I take the dogs. Sometimes picks them up if I am stuck in traffic and he happens to be home. Doesn't track their appointments, or vet appointments.

I don't expect him to do things that happen during work hours or when he is actually working. But it's too much for one person, and especially when that person has asked for more help repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

This is why women stay home.