I wanted to have sex with DH today

[Anonymous]

Where do you find these husbands? Not gonna lie, I'm a fairly conservative husband. My wife stays home and I work long hours (including a prior stint in big law). Nobody would ever label me feminist.

If I'm home and awake, I'm constantly working around the house. Bedtime and shower routine with the kids always falls to me, weekend breakfast and lunch are always on me. My wife trains for half marathons and Saturday mornings are her long run day with her running group. Always get the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday so she can nap. Homework, especially math and reading, are my territory. Watching a college football game on Saturday? Great time to fold laundry.

I'll own the fact that I rarely wake up in the middle of the night with the kids, but that's also a function of the fact that I often get as little as four hours of sleep a night and my wife doesn't want me to wake up.

Are the chores divided evenly in my house? No, but I do everything I can do and usually my wife and I get to enjoy a quiet hour together most nights after the kids are asleep.

OP: most big law associates learn early on (especially if they are in corporate) that business hours are for working on what other people want them to work on and pre/after business hours are for working on what the lawyer wants to work on. Generalize the concept to your home life: if the kids are awake, unless he's working for money, he's doing what others need him to do.

Also, tell him the early mornings are for working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you find these husbands? Not gonna lie, I'm a fairly conservative husband. My wife stays home and I work long hours (including a prior stint in big law). Nobody would ever label me feminist.

If I'm home and awake, I'm constantly working around the house. Bedtime and shower routine with the kids always falls to me, weekend breakfast and lunch are always on me. My wife trains for half marathons and Saturday mornings are her long run day with her running group. Always get the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday so she can nap. Homework, especially math and reading, are my territory. Watching a college football game on Saturday? Great time to fold laundry.

I'll own the fact that I rarely wake up in the middle of the night with the kids, but that's also a function of the fact that I often get as little as four hours of sleep a night and my wife doesn't want me to wake up.

Are the chores divided evenly in my house? No, but I do everything I can do and usually my wife and I get to enjoy a quiet hour together most nights after the kids are asleep.

OP: most big law associates learn early on (especially if they are in corporate) that business hours are for working on what other people want them to work on and pre/after business hours are for working on what the lawyer wants to work on. Generalize the concept to your home life: if the kids are awake, unless he's working for money, he's doing what others need him to do.

Also, tell him the early mornings are for working out.

You seem like a great DH. Bravo!

[Anonymous]

OP, where and why do you get the dogs? Csnnyo get a dog walker instead to come to your house? Ask hubby if Theresa a few chores he can do weekly/daily. If so, write them down and ask him to look at it daily (or he can set reminders on his phone).

[Anonymous]

PP1840, at least you sound like a grown-up, which a lot of these men do not. A grown man sees that his household is his responsibility, that he and his partner are a team, and he jumps in and gets things done.

Stop using "help out," women, as the term for what men should be doing. Helping out makes it sound like the household and kids are all your responsibility, and his participation is optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, no one is a mind reader. Simply say, "I am doing the dishes, can you do the laundry right now?"

I get your point but I have to ask him to do some of the chores, all of the time. All of the time. Why is it that I need to ask him, despite us having this larger conversation over and over? That is what is so frustrating. I have to ask every time I need help, and I feel like a nagging wife. I get tired of feeling like a nag.

And yes, I've said those things to him.

I have none of your problems. My DH could live in absolute chaos and filth. Doesn't bother him, so instead i direct him, all the time. If I'm doing dishes, i tell him to go upstairs and do laundry. I'd rather constantly tell him than:
A. Do it myself
Or
B. Be mad like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

You're ridiculous. If you don't declutter before the cleaners come, nothing gets cleaned and it's a waste of money.

They clean the house, they don't put away your stuff.

You dont need to declutter if you dont keep a bunch of unnecessary crap around yiur house. If i had to put my house up for sale it would take me 72hours to have the house cleaned up and closets emptied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you find these husbands? Not gonna lie, I'm a fairly conservative husband. My wife stays home and I work long hours (including a prior stint in big law). Nobody would ever label me feminist.

If I'm home and awake, I'm constantly working around the house. Bedtime and shower routine with the kids always falls to me, weekend breakfast and lunch are always on me. My wife trains for half marathons and Saturday mornings are her long run day with her running group. Always get the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday so she can nap. Homework, especially math and reading, are my territory. Watching a college football game on Saturday? Great time to fold laundry.

I'll own the fact that I rarely wake up in the middle of the night with the kids, but that's also a function of the fact that I often get as little as four hours of sleep a night and my wife doesn't want me to wake up.

Are the chores divided evenly in my house? No, but I do everything I can do and usually my wife and I get to enjoy a quiet hour together most nights after the kids are asleep.

OP: most big law associates learn early on (especially if they are in corporate) that business hours are for working on what other people want them to work on and pre/after business hours are for working on what the lawyer wants to work on. Generalize the concept to your home life: if the kids are awake, unless he's working for money, he's doing what others need him to do.

Also, tell him the early mornings are for working out.

You seem like a great DH. Bravo!

Actually, most husbands are like this. Rich ones and poor ones. DCUM is a place to discuss relationship issues (usually not positive ones). Don't use DCUM as your gauge for how the average husband acts.

[Anonymous]

I kinda feel for you, OP. And I say this as a man who went through a loooong stretch of sex starved marriage. And by sex starved, I mean your frequency, 2-3x a month and my DW starfished for most of it.

So I bet your husband saw your text cynically. Yeah, sure, he thinks. She says she wants sex, but she says it when there is no possibility of sex, i.e. when you are remote from where he is.

Then you come home, and its the priority list, of where he comes dead last. Which isn't to say 1) you had legit things you needed to do, or 2) he should have stepped up to help regardless of whether sex was on the table. But forgive him for knowing that after the hectic day, which was going to end close to midnight, on a school night, that if he made a move it would have been rejected. Because it would have. Because you were tired by then and resentful.

You got a big problem on your hand. You aren't communicating. You also aren't having as much sex as you should to keep your marriage happy. Which is why I think you should schedule a day, when you two can focus on each other, early, as a priority, not as another thing on your to-do list at the end of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you find these husbands? Not gonna lie, I'm a fairly conservative husband. My wife stays home and I work long hours (including a prior stint in big law). Nobody would ever label me feminist.

If I'm home and awake, I'm constantly working around the house. Bedtime and shower routine with the kids always falls to me, weekend breakfast and lunch are always on me. My wife trains for half marathons and Saturday mornings are her long run day with her running group. Always get the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday so she can nap. Homework, especially math and reading, are my territory. Watching a college football game on Saturday? Great time to fold laundry.

I'll own the fact that I rarely wake up in the middle of the night with the kids, but that's also a function of the fact that I often get as little as four hours of sleep a night and my wife doesn't want me to wake up.

Are the chores divided evenly in my house? No, but I do everything I can do and usually my wife and I get to enjoy a quiet hour together most nights after the kids are asleep.

OP: most big law associates learn early on (especially if they are in corporate) that business hours are for working on what other people want them to work on and pre/after business hours are for working on what the lawyer wants to work on. Generalize the concept to your home life: if the kids are awake, unless he's working for money, he's doing what others need him to do.

Also, tell him the early mornings are for working out.

Do you have any male friends? Do their wives say "why can't you be more like Gallant?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kinda feel for you, OP. And I say this as a man who went through a loooong stretch of sex starved marriage. And by sex starved, I mean your frequency, 2-3x a month and my DW starfished for most of it.

So I bet your husband saw your text cynically. Yeah, sure, he thinks. She says she wants sex, but she says it when there is no possibility of sex, i.e. when you are remote from where he is.

Then you come home, and its the priority list, of where he comes dead last. Which isn't to say 1) you had legit things you needed to do, or 2) he should have stepped up to help regardless of whether sex was on the table. But forgive him for knowing that after the hectic day, which was going to end close to midnight, on a school night, that if he made a move it would have been rejected. Because it would have. Because you were tired by then and resentful.

You got a big problem on your hand. You aren't communicating. You also aren't having as much sex as you should to keep your marriage happy. Which is why I think you should schedule a day, when you two can focus on each other, early, as a priority, not as another thing on your to-do list at the end of the night.

OP. Thank you so much for this.

[Anonymous]

You need better communication with DH if you are overwhelmed.
Why isnt he doing bath and story time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you find these husbands? Not gonna lie, I'm a fairly conservative husband. My wife stays home and I work long hours (including a prior stint in big law). Nobody would ever label me feminist.

If I'm home and awake, I'm constantly working around the house. Bedtime and shower routine with the kids always falls to me, weekend breakfast and lunch are always on me. My wife trains for half marathons and Saturday mornings are her long run day with her running group. Always get the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday so she can nap. Homework, especially math and reading, are my territory. Watching a college football game on Saturday? Great time to fold laundry.

I'll own the fact that I rarely wake up in the middle of the night with the kids, but that's also a function of the fact that I often get as little as four hours of sleep a night and my wife doesn't want me to wake up.

Are the chores divided evenly in my house? No, but I do everything I can do and usually my wife and I get to enjoy a quiet hour together most nights after the kids are asleep.

OP: most big law associates learn early on (especially if they are in corporate) that business hours are for working on what other people want them to work on and pre/after business hours are for working on what the lawyer wants to work on. Generalize the concept to your home life: if the kids are awake, unless he's working for money, he's doing what others need him to do.

Also, tell him the early mornings are for working out.

Sexy!

[Anonymous]

OP presumably your hhi is high..If you go back to work, hire some pt help. Sounds like you would benefit.

Bc I have a demanding job and DH travels one of three weeks, we hired an afternoon helper 4x/week from 4-7..She picks up kids, preps dinner if needed, gives baths if needed, runs laundry, etc. I'm usually home by 6:15 or 6:30 but she might finish laundry while we are with kids, etc.

Fwiw I have been in your shoes. Doing all that stuff was partly a way of managing anxiety, part of it was engaging in battle with DH. He does more now but we do less in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to everyone. This has been very helpful. -OP

Good luck! You have the right attitude about making time. I hope things smooth out soon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During the day I was feeling it and thought DH and I would have sex tonight.

Then I spent an hour driving home from work, ordered things from amazon during commute for kids' bday party this weekend, picked up the dog, picked up the kids (5 and 3) one of whom had a meltdown because her snack was in wrong container, came home to other dog, fed dogs, fed kids, facetimed with 5 different relatives for 5 year old's birthday, wrangled kids to bath and bed, cleaned playroom, cleaned books off their floor, cleaned dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned up more dishes and pots after dinner, finished decluttering house, broke down boxes and gathered trash/recycling to put to curb, and washed a load of laundry.

It is 20 minutes to midnight (I live in central time) and I am just now sitting down for the first time all night. During all that, DH came home with balloons for the kids, exercised, had dinner with me, watched tv, answered some work emails. He went to bed about 20 minutes ago after a shower.

I don't even know if I'm posting to ask a question or vent or what, but it's disappointing and frustrating.

Maybe he wouldn't be tired if you did more of the mowing, car upkeep or house maintenance. Do more chores around the house and help out...