I wanted to have sex with DH today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is divorce not an option here?

It's not necessarily not an option, but I love him and we have two little kids and I don't *want* to divorce him. That said, last summer we had a serious discussion about this same topic and I said that if we keep going down this road I felt like it would end with us splitting up. Despite his behavior, I don't feel like he wants that, but maybe I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you clean up while I put kids to bed so we have some private time later?

This works for us. Then again I fought tooth and nail.first few years post kidd for DH to do his share.
It was not easy but I never let it go. He does 50% now, which is good since I have the more demanding job..Also he likes sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you in charge of cooking dinner AND cleaning up? Why doesn't DH do one or the other? You are doing every single household chore. Why aren't your kids helping with cleaning up their toys?

No wonder so many of you want a divorce, you let your men be useless. My husband would NEVER get away with this, and he grew up in the Middle East, far from our "enlightened" society where women have the freedom to... do all the work all the time?

At first it was because he was always working. He worked very long days, would often work late into the night and would sometimes have to go in early on top of that. I think he just thinks that because he works so hard (which I have said I appreciate very much) his first priority when NOT working should be to take that spare time and relax. He doesn't seem to consider that his making his own relaxation a priority is to my and our detriment. And yes I've said that to him multiple times before.

Also his parents have this relationship x10. His father is beyond useless, but works hard. His mother never worked and raised 4 kids, of whom he is the youngest. He seems to try to model their dynamic with me.

So what? Who cares how he grew up, and who cares how long his hours used to be? You are saying he is prioritizing his own time over the family, and that talking to him about it doesn't work.

So guess what, here is a thing you can do: stop TALKING to him about it and just stop doing chores for him. It's really that simple. You don't need to talk to him about it, because men don't really care about talking anyway. You don't need his buy-in, just create a circumstance where he feels compelled to do some damn chores.

[Anonymous]

At any point yesterday, did he know that you were interested in sex?

[Anonymous]

You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your replies. Typically some of that stuff could have waited but the birthday calls could not and the decluttering/cleaning/laundry load had to be done to prepare for the cleaners coming today. No those things are not required on any given day during the week but the other stuff is. I did send him a sexy text during the day.

I think my larger point is we could have split those tasks, and would've have ended up having sec and going to bed sooner. As to the communicating, I have brought this up with him so many times. We've been together 13 years, married almost 8, and it is our number one discussion/argument/fight.

I'm disappointed because he always says he'll do better, and he may for a little bit - engage the kids while I'm making their dinner, take the trash out without me asking - but then he falls back into his habits of being concerned with his personal needs and not the household/family needs.

He works a lot - Big Law - but it's slowed down some recently and I think his issue is he thinks that since he works so much, when he's not working his first priority should be relaxing (tv, exercise, going to sleep early).

I'm just so tired of bringing up the same problem over and over. And he (probably) wonders why we can't make sex a priority.

Again, no one is a mind reader. Simply say, "I am doing the dishes, can you do the laundry right now?"

This. We made a point before kids to do chores together. We didn't have a situation where one is relaxing and one is doing chores. Granted sometimes dh is working from home in the evening and I'm doing chores but that's rare and even with that I never take out the trash or recycling when he's in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on driving home for an hour and ordering on Amazon during the commute...

Me too! WTF, OP? I feel for you on the other stuff, but what the hell are you doing ordering things on Amazon while driving???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I want to have sex with DH I just reach over and grab him. He's usually a little bit into it.

Same here. I grab him from his long...nose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

This this this

Seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At any point yesterday, did he know that you were interested in sex?

Yes, texted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on driving home for an hour and ordering on Amazon during the commute...

Me too! WTF, OP? I feel for you on the other stuff, but what the hell are you doing ordering things on Amazon while driving???

During down time in traffic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you in charge of cooking dinner AND cleaning up? Why doesn't DH do one or the other? You are doing every single household chore. Why aren't your kids helping with cleaning up their toys?

No wonder so many of you want a divorce, you let your men be useless. My husband would NEVER get away with this, and he grew up in the Middle East, far from our "enlightened" society where women have the freedom to... do all the work all the time?

At first it was because he was always working. He worked very long days, would often work late into the night and would sometimes have to go in early on top of that. I think he just thinks that because he works so hard (which I have said I appreciate very much) his first priority when NOT working should be to take that spare time and relax. He doesn't seem to consider that his making his own relaxation a priority is to my and our detriment. And yes I've said that to him multiple times before.

Also his parents have this relationship x10. His father is beyond useless, but works hard. His mother never worked and raised 4 kids, of whom he is the youngest. He seems to try to model their dynamic with me.

OP, he does this because you let him do it. Maybe he used to work very long days, but apparently he now has enough time to work out and watch TV, while you are shouldering a full time job AND all the domestic stuff. When do you have time to work out? When do you watch TV? You need to be more assertive in asking him to do things. It is clear that he will not do them on his own unless reminded. Asking can help establish a routine that includes him helping and being more considerate of you having free time as well.

My husband brings in about 2/3 of our HHI. I do about 2/3 of the domestic stuff. He hangs out with DD while I make dinner. They do the laundry and take out the trash/recycling. He helps with her homework. I cook and clean up dinner. If I find that DH is slipping into a routine of not doing the things that he's responsible for (trash, laundry, and cat stuff), I straight up ask him, "Hey, can you take out the trash? It's overflowing" or whatever.

And if I am prioritizing sex with him on a particular day, that is a thing that gets communicated early in the day. Usually in a coy way as well as a way that reminds him of the house stuff that needs to happen before we get busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

Yes, I could have dropped everything and initiated with him, so that I would continue to do all those things myself afterward and he could just go to sleep. I've done that before. Larger problem, to me, is he isn't initiating chores on his own to split the work more equitably, thereby helping us to have that quality time. I'm not intending to 100% of fault on any one person or circumstance.

But yes it is a fact of life that before the cleaners come, the toys and books and clutter has to be picked up and put away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At any point yesterday, did he know that you were interested in sex?

Yes, texted him.

Yes, you said that in your follow-up post. Sorry.
You remind me of myself a little. I'll feel like I'm taking a big risk and put it out there that I want sex. And then I expect miracles to happen--spouse to remember, take care of the little chores, etc. Instead, I need to follow-up with a quick reminder. So for you, it might have been as you were finishing dinner, "So any thoughts about the text I sent? If you get the recycling, I'll start the laundry and meet you upstairs in 10 minutes." Or it could have been when you got home: "Honey, you take the kids to bed, I'll get the clean-up done and meet you at 9:30pm. It's a date."

[Anonymous]

You have an excuse for everything. EVERYTHING.