Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

OP you should post your budget in the money forum and get some help. Your goals probably can be achieved.

You should also have a heart to heart with your DH about your family's goals.

[Anonymous]

When you hear about women only making 70-80 cents on the dollar, THIS is why.

Women demand that their husbands make more. They claim they want an "equal partner," but they really mean "equal to, or greater than." Women contribute to the social pressures that require men to make more money and they complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this - a low paying but cool and important field. We talked about these things when we were engaged. When I hinted at "selling out" and taking a high paying job he would truthfully answer... "then you might want to marry someone else." He said it jokingly, but it's 100% true and I'm glad he said it.

Now then, it doesn't mean I don't get super frustrated by the situation, but I went into this with my eyes open. I try to think of all the awesome qualities he brings to my life aside from his salary.

Your husband is wise.

More people need to have a brutally honest conversation about career and financial expectations before marriage. OP got into trouble because her husband mistakenly tried to appease her by acting more ambitious than he apparently is. And OP was not honest about her own sky high expectations* in a husband's earning potential. She should have been upfront with him that she expected him to be making mid-six-figures by now. That may seem crude, but it's better to be honest, upfront.

* The average salary in this country is around $50K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

There's a reason it's the worlds oldest profession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this - a low paying but cool and important field. We talked about these things when we were engaged. When I hinted at "selling out" and taking a high paying job he would truthfully answer... "then you might want to marry someone else." He said it jokingly, but it's 100% true and I'm glad he said it.

Now then, it doesn't mean I don't get super frustrated by the situation, but I went into this with my eyes open. I try to think of all the awesome qualities he brings to my life aside from his salary.

Your husband is wise.

More people need to have a brutally honest conversation about career and financial expectations before marriage. OP got into trouble because her husband mistakenly tried to appease her by acting more ambitious than he apparently is. And OP was not honest about her own sky high expectations* in a husband's earning potential. She should have been upfront with him that she expected him to be making mid-six-figures by now. That may seem crude, but it's better to be honest, upfront.

* The average salary in this country is around $50K.

Eh, you can have the talk, but people change. Mature people recognize that when making a lifetime commitment and bringing kids into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why a gov't employee plus a second income can't afford a home in a decent area and have to rent a tiny apartment unless you have tons of debt we don't know about or a special situation (supporting elderly parents , etc.)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this - a low paying but cool and important field. We talked about these things when we were engaged. When I hinted at "selling out" and taking a high paying job he would truthfully answer... "then you might want to marry someone else." He said it jokingly, but it's 100% true and I'm glad he said it.

Now then, it doesn't mean I don't get super frustrated by the situation, but I went into this with my eyes open. I try to think of all the awesome qualities he brings to my life aside from his salary.

Your husband is wise.

More people need to have a brutally honest conversation about career and financial expectations before marriage. OP got into trouble because her husband mistakenly tried to appease her by acting more ambitious than he apparently is. And OP was not honest about her own sky high expectations* in a husband's earning potential. She should have been upfront with him that she expected him to be making mid-six-figures by now. That may seem crude, but it's better to be honest, upfront.

* The average salary in this country is around $50K.

Eh, you can have the talk, but people change. Mature people recognize that when making a lifetime commitment and bringing kids into the world.

From the original post:

"He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more."


It seems that they were not being honest with themselves.

Though, I agree. Very young people often convince themselves that they are not materialistic, and only to "come out of the closet" (in a manner of speaking) after marriage and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

There's a reason it's the worlds oldest profession.

This is such a ridiculous, sexist and mysognisic take on this. I earned SIGNIFICANTLY more than he did before he lit a fire under his ass, and I still do. Many marriages, most even, go through times of tension where the sexual attraction is diminished due to conflict. If anything it would have made me feel like more of a prostitute to have sex with someone to whom I was feeling ZERO attraction at the time. I can't force myself to act on something I'm not feeling. But that's me. Feel free to lay back and do your "wifely duty" no matter how much conflict and resentment you feel toward your partner....because that's not like prostitution at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why a gov't employee plus a second income can't afford a home in a decent area and have to rent a tiny apartment unless you have tons of debt we don't know about or a special situation (supporting elderly parents , etc.)

+1

Exactly.

My DH is a fed and I stay at home right now. We can afford a house in a not so great School district. If I was working and out earning my fed DH, we could afford a sfh in a much better school district in MoCo. Don't know what you are doing OP, but you and your DH need to figure out where all the money is going and stop the flow.

Or do you have lots of requirements, have to live in a very specific high status area, or have to live near a metro station in DC?

[Anonymous]

One of these statements is acceptable and praised by women and one is loathed. Can you tell which is which?

a. Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it
b. Wife isn't good in bed and I secretly hate her for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of these statements is acceptable and praised by women and one is loathed. Can you tell which is which?

a. Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it
b. Wife isn't good in bed and I secretly hate her for it

I think both are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

If he's a good guy in the federal judiciary (or other government branch) PLEASE PLEASE do not let him quit now. I beg you. The country needs him. And no, I'm not trying to be funny in the least.

[Anonymous]

PS Consider buying in Southeast and getting involved in the public school as a volunteer. They are getting better and better, and study after study shows that school choice matters for poor kids, but not significantly for kids from stable families with educated parents. Bonus: your property will appreciate hugely in the next five years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of these statements is acceptable and praised by women and one is loathed. Can you tell which is which?

a. Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it
b. Wife isn't good in bed and I secretly hate her for it

I think both are ridiculous.

I think both are legit beefs. As are

C my wife refuses to work and I secretly hate her for it
D my husband is bad in bed and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

There's a reason it's the worlds oldest profession.

This is such a ridiculous, sexist and mysognisic take on this. I earned SIGNIFICANTLY more than he did before he lit a fire under his ass, and I still do. Many marriages, most even, go through times of tension where the sexual attraction is diminished due to conflict. If anything it would have made me feel like more of a prostitute to have sex with someone to whom I was feeling ZERO attraction at the time. I can't force myself to act on something I'm not feeling. But that's me. Feel free to lay back and do your "wifely duty" no matter how much conflict and resentment you feel toward your partner....because that's not like prostitution at all.

You said that sex dried up because you were upset he wasn't bringing more money to the table but was clear from your post you felt that withholding sex was a good motivation to push him to make and provide more money. Your approach to sex is very transactional, and you were in fact the PP to bring up sex at all. You could have just said you were less attracted to him and even considering separation; instead you framed sex as an exchange/reward for more cash. I was just trying to understand if that was the lesson to take from your example.

Have other wives had good results to motivate DH by withholding your 'wifely duties'?