Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, it would help if you shared your and DH's income and why you can't afford a house (e.g. school debt, etc) - otherwise people may make negative assumptions about you. Personally I make $150k and DH makes $50K. We have a small but nice house in a good school district. It cost $600K but we have been saving diligently for a while and we're able to pony up a 20% down payment. We're not saving much with two kids in daycare but we manage. The upside about DH's job is amazing hours which allow him to be a very engaged parent and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

This is an asshole response, to take this one sentence in isolation and jump on her for it. What is wrong with you? In the aggregate, she wants more for their lives together, and he doesn't seem to share that motivation. She's not a bad person for being frustrated by that. Jesus. Some people are happy to leave money on the table and endure crappy apartments and shitty commutes for no reason. If you are that person, good for you. Many of us have been able to achieve more. OP, you are not a bad person for wanting your husband to be on the same page with you, in terms of the lifestyle you want for your family. Just because he loves this job doesn't mean he couldn't also love a different, higher paying job in the private sector. Resentment is poisonous to live with. He needs to know what this is doing to you and your feelings about him and the life you are trying to build together.

I have been there. My husband was perfectly content to schlep along making less than half of what I make for years, in a company he didn't even like, even though there are tons of opportunities around. I managed my career by seeking promotions, taking some smart risks, and maximizing my earning potential. We live in Bethesda, have great schools etc. But the house always needs work and I have thrown fits in frustration about the money left on the table that could be going into our kids' 529's, retirement savings, home improvements, etc. Over many years of pleading for him to hustle, my frustration was so great that I stopped being attracted to him, sex dried up, etc. What do you know: finally he has gotten a new job, 30 percent salary increase, much better benefits, etc. I feel like we are partners again. But I still resent that he squandered so many of his prime earning years. I'm trying to let that go. There are other qualities he brings to the marriage that I appreciate. That doesn't mean I cannot also want him to be an equal provider instead of sitting back and letting me do all the career hustling.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I get why OP's DH having a government job is incompatible with having a house. If she wants to stay relatively close in, then probably a smaller house that doesn't brim with curb appeal. My secretary has a house in the area and I'm sure she and her husband make less than OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

This has got to be a sarcastic post. If not and I was your DH, I would divorce your ass and make sure you didn't get a penny of my hard-earned money. You are the definition of gold-digger.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this - a low paying but cool and important field. We talked about these things when we were engaged. When I hinted at "selling out" and taking a high paying job he would truthfully answer... "then you might want to marry someone else." He said it jokingly, but it's 100% true and I'm glad he said it.

Now then, it doesn't mean I don't get super frustrated by the situation, but I went into this with my eyes open. I try to think of all the awesome qualities he brings to my life aside from his salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

I don't get it. If you're both high achievers, take matters into your own hands and earn more money. If you have maxed out and still live in an apartment, you are just a low achiever with high expectations.

[Anonymous]

DC, NYC, San Fran are great cities. But unless you make insane money, your choices are to either spend your days commuting or live in a small apartment.

We moved to Florida, my DH makes 130k, I stay home, we live very comfortably in a good size house in a great school district and close to his work.

Point being, I think you should look at moving if you want a better lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your income and your husband's income? Without that information it is really hard to give advice.

[Anonymous]

That






This is why I would never marry a broke man. Leave now. It's only going to get worse. You can live the same lifestyle now without him and don't make the same mistake in your 2d marriage.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many women expect men to be the primary breadwinners in the family? I understand the PP who would like her DH to be an equal breadwinner and partner, but, seriously, equal rights, ladies. If OP is at her max earning potential, and her DH is satisfied with both his job and their lifestyle, then she is the one that has the problem and needs to find a solution. Compromise on commute (like most people do around here), work toward another degree that allows her to move to a higher-paying field, radically cut spending in order to maximize savings to go toward a house down payment etc. That maybe doesn't involved putting everything on his shoulders. If he sees she's serious about this, and working toward it herself, hopefully he will respond in kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC, NYC, San Fran are great cities. But unless you make insane money, your choices are to either spend your days commuting or live in a small apartment.

We moved to Florida, my DH makes 130k, I stay home, we live very comfortably in a good size house in a great school district and close to his work.

Point being, I think you should look at moving if you want a better lifestyle.

Op said she would move to a different area but dh doesn't want to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your income and your husband's income? Without that information it is really hard to give advice.

Agreed. It's hard to imagine that his govt job and yours doesn't add up to enough income to buy a house. If you post your hhi and where you commute to, people could come up with areas you could look at for a SFH. It could be that you're basically taking the trade-off of living in an apt to get a short commute, but there may be solutions you're not thinking of. And perhaps look into Dave Ramsey for ideas of handling your money better. It could be that managing your money better could get you closer to affording the type of home you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That






This is why I would never marry a broke man. Leave now. It's only going to get worse. You can live the same lifestyle now without him and don't make the same mistake in your 2d marriage.

Agree that this is why not to marry a broke man, but she married an Ivy League educated man, apparently a lawyer, with serious earning potential.

You are not giving her good advice. Their two incomes combined can only support one crappy apartment. If they split, their combined incomes now have to support two crappy apartments. The lifestyle will be worse, if anything. And there are kids involved. There are other choices besides accept the status quo or divorce. I threw fits over this until my husband stepped it up, and in retrospect it was the wake up call he needed and we are much better off now. Thee is some lingering resentment perhaps on both sides, but we are still better off than if we had divorced. Divorce is a financial disaster. And she's not going to be some hot ticket for remarriage, saddled with two kids.