Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seriously don't get this. OP, hate yourself for not investing in the skills necessary to provide for yourself in the way that you'd like. It's not 1950.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of in a similar situation. My husband is in a govt job that gives him a lot of flexibility, but doesn't have the best earning potential, which is particularly annoying because he has a lot of student debt and I hate having any sort of debt (I paid grad school loans and car loans off). After a long time being upset about this, and wishing we had more, I finally realized that there are a lot of things he brings to the table. I value those now as much as the money he brings (I earn more). Admittedly, I was raised in a family where my dad was the sole provider so it took some adjusting. I would encourage you to look at what positives he brings to the relationship.

You may also want to meet with a financial planner to set savings goals you can both work towards so you can get into a house.

Are you including benefits in that equation, e.g., pension?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to guess that OP thought because her DH had an ivy degree he'd be making at least $400K by now, and because he's not, she's upset.

I, too, don't understand why you can't afford a nice TH in the burbs with a good school district. You say you are making good money, so how much do you think you need to afford this?

I completely understand not wanting to live in an apt. with kids and being able to host family and stuff, but just how much do you actually need to be making -- both of you combined -- to afford this?

We live in the 'burbs, sfh.. 3400sqft, $750K house, good school district. There are TH around us that are about $600K. What exactly are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of in a similar situation. My husband is in a govt job that gives him a lot of flexibility, but doesn't have the best earning potential, which is particularly annoying because he has a lot of student debt and I hate having any sort of debt (I paid grad school loans and car loans off). After a long time being upset about this, and wishing we had more, I finally realized that there are a lot of things he brings to the table. I value those now as much as the money he brings (I earn more). Admittedly, I was raised in a family where my dad was the sole provider so it took some adjusting. I would encourage you to look at what positives he brings to the relationship.

You may also want to meet with a financial planner to set savings goals you can both work towards so you can get into a house.

Are you including benefits in that equation, e.g., pension?

Yes. For the amount of schooling he did, his pay is low. But his job is very flexible and that has worked out well in general for us.

[Anonymous]

Was in a similar situation - DH was at a small firm he liked and was well regarded, but made half of what he could make in Biglaw. I pushed him to take a Biglaw job (even though I was in Biglaw myself and was miserable). He hated it, was very stressed out, and eventually had a health crisis. His best friend from law school left his firm around that same time after he ended up in the ER with a panic attack that he thought was a heart attack. You have to really want Biglaw, or you will be miserable. Don't do this to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was in a similar situation - DH was at a small firm he liked and was well regarded, but made half of what he could make in Biglaw. I pushed him to take a Biglaw job (even though I was in Biglaw myself and was miserable). He hated it, was very stressed out, and eventually had a health crisis. His best friend from law school left his firm around that same time after he ended up in the ER with a panic attack that he thought was a heart attack. You have to really want Biglaw, or you will be miserable. Don't do this to your DH.

She's not necessarily saying Biglaw. There's middle ground between government law and Biglaw.

[Anonymous]

I make more than 3x DH's salary, tho he still makes a respectable amount (he's a GS-13 fed). I respect his work, he loves his job and we have the lifestyle that I wanted (DH would have been fine living in an apt). thats not really the way that I wanted to live though but I always knew that so went into a well-paying field. I did not expect to be able to live a certain lifestyle only if I married someone who could provide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

This is an asshole response, to take this one sentence in isolation and jump on her for it. What is wrong with you? In the aggregate, she wants more for their lives together, and he doesn't seem to share that motivation. She's not a bad person for being frustrated by that. Jesus. Some people are happy to leave money on the table and endure crappy apartments and shitty commutes for no reason. If you are that person, good for you. Many of us have been able to achieve more. OP, you are not a bad person for wanting your husband to be on the same page with you, in terms of the lifestyle you want for your family. Just because he loves this job doesn't mean he couldn't also love a different, higher paying job in the private sector. Resentment is poisonous to live with. He needs to know what this is doing to you and your feelings about him and the life you are trying to build together.

I have been there. My husband was perfectly content to schlep along making less than half of what I make for years, in a company he didn't even like, even though there are tons of opportunities around. I managed my career by seeking promotions, taking some smart risks, and maximizing my earning potential. We live in Bethesda, have great schools etc. But the house always needs work and I have thrown fits in frustration about the money left on the table that could be going into our kids' 529's, retirement savings, home improvements, etc. Over many years of pleading for him to hustle, my frustration was so great that I stopped being attracted to him, sex dried up, etc. What do you know: finally he has gotten a new job, 30 percent salary increase, much better benefits, etc. I feel like we are partners again. But I still resent that he squandered so many of his prime earning years. I'm trying to let that go. There are other qualities he brings to the marriage that I appreciate. That doesn't mean I cannot also want him to be an equal provider instead of sitting back and letting me do all the career hustling.

So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

You are insane sales is very cut throat. If he went for the higher sales fields he gives up what he has now and then he faces much fiercer competition and when he flames out he has nothing. You are so not in sales its hilarious. He is being very prudent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women expect men to be the primary breadwinners in the family? I understand the PP who would like her DH to be an equal breadwinner and partner, but, seriously, equal rights, ladies. If OP is at her max earning potential, and her DH is satisfied with both his job and their lifestyle, then she is the one that has the problem and needs to find a solution. Compromise on commute (like most people do around here), work toward another degree that allows her to move to a higher-paying field, radically cut spending in order to maximize savings to go toward a house down payment etc. That maybe doesn't involved putting everything on his shoulders. If he sees she's serious about this, and working toward it herself, hopefully he will respond in kind.

I hope OP's husband is having some fun on the side. She sounds like such a miserable person to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get this. My husband and I are both in government and we have a house and a good life. What is really holding you back? It can't be a federal career.

I think it's a troll.

I'm a public interest lawyer married to a public interest lawyer and we have a house in a good school district.

Maybe if they're very young with high student loans it took them longer to get to that point (pay off your loans before having kids, people!), but a $120k government lawyer job plus a higher paying job = good lifestyle even in DC.

The real issue, if OP isn't a troll, is that she says her husband "gets off" on doing the right thing. If she's not an internet troll she's a literal monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

This is an asshole response, to take this one sentence in isolation and jump on her for it. What is wrong with you? In the aggregate, she wants more for their lives together, and he doesn't seem to share that motivation. She's not a bad person for being frustrated by that. Jesus. Some people are happy to leave money on the table and endure crappy apartments and shitty commutes for no reason. If you are that person, good for you. Many of us have been able to achieve more. OP, you are not a bad person for wanting your husband to be on the same page with you, in terms of the lifestyle you want for your family. Just because he loves this job doesn't mean he couldn't also love a different, higher paying job in the private sector. Resentment is poisonous to live with. He needs to know what this is doing to you and your feelings about him and the life you are trying to build together.

I have been there. My husband was perfectly content to schlep along making less than half of what I make for years, in a company he didn't even like, even though there are tons of opportunities around. I managed my career by seeking promotions, taking some smart risks, and maximizing my earning potential. We live in Bethesda, have great schools etc. But the house always needs work and I have thrown fits in frustration about the money left on the table that could be going into our kids' 529's, retirement savings, home improvements, etc. Over many years of pleading for him to hustle, my frustration was so great that I stopped being attracted to him, sex dried up, etc. What do you know: finally he has gotten a new job, 30 percent salary increase, much better benefits, etc. I feel like we are partners again. But I still resent that he squandered so many of his prime earning years. I'm trying to let that go. There are other qualities he brings to the marriage that I appreciate. That doesn't mean I cannot also want him to be an equal provider instead of sitting back and letting me do all the career hustling.

So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

You are grossly oversimplifying. Our sex life took a major hit due to tensions in the marriage, at the center of which were financial stressors. Where are you going with this -- making me out to be some kind of prostitute? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Have you worked with a financial planner as a PP suggested? There's no reason after 10 years you can't have a SFH in a decent school district and a reasonable commute. You either haven't been financially prudent or you have unrealistic expectations regarding school/commute - or both.

Here's a SFH in the Rose Hill area. My DH grew up in the area and our kids go to Rose Hill. Despite being a Title 1 school are kids are getting an excellent education - and those 'in district' are selected first for the Spanish immersion program there. https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/Rose-Hill-VA/pmf,pf_pt/house,land_type/51922222_zpid/20241_rid/3-_beds/globalrelevanceex_sort/38.823861,-77.048836,38.746519,-77.166081_rect/12_zm/

BTW - I've always out earned my DH. He's definitely an under achiever but he brings a lot of other things to the table that I appreciate. Our combined income is @$150K/year. We've got 3 kids, 2 with SN (and all the accompanying therapies) and a SFH. I'm a fed and work downtown. We're 'poor' by DCUM standards but life comfortably within our means, save for retirement and contribute to our kids' college funds.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why a gov't employee plus a second income can't afford a home in a decent area and have to rent a tiny apartment unless you have tons of debt we don't know about or a special situation (supporting elderly parents , etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women expect men to be the primary breadwinners in the family? I understand the PP who would like her DH to be an equal breadwinner and partner, but, seriously, equal rights, ladies. If OP is at her max earning potential, and her DH is satisfied with both his job and their lifestyle, then she is the one that has the problem and needs to find a solution. Compromise on commute (like most people do around here), work toward another degree that allows her to move to a higher-paying field, radically cut spending in order to maximize savings to go toward a house down payment etc. That maybe doesn't involved putting everything on his shoulders. If he sees she's serious about this, and working toward it herself, hopefully he will respond in kind.

I hope OP's husband is having some fun on the side. She sounds like such a miserable person to be around.

I hope SHE is. He sounds like such a loser.

See how that sounds?