Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

OP, can you try to take even a little pleasure in the fact that he seems to enjoy his job and feels there is value in what he does--value beyond income?

If I'm reading your post right, he likes his government job because he feels he's doing something good and he has autonomy doing it. Can you, yourself, find something in his job, his work ethic, his being on "the good side" as you put it, that is worth your being proud of him? The post focuses solely on your expectations of having a certain income and house by a certain point in your marriage, and doesn't indicate what you think of the actual work he does day to day in his job. If he does something that he considers worthwhile and a contribution to whatever his agency's mission is....Do you think you could sit down and examine why you cannot find that admirable?

Maybe it's better to have a spouse who is fulfilled in his job, and live with him and your kids in an apartment, rather than a spouse who is miserable, or just bored and in a rut, but brings home the bacon to a big house he doesn't see much because he's working so many hours.

If you truly cannot find any pride or interest in his work, maybe you need some couples counseling where you tell him what you told us, because he needs to know that you are resenting him every day. And you need to look at whether your own focus and expectations are out of whack. Or you can go on posting anonymously and getting more resentful until one day you are posting about how you are going to leave him but you won't make enough with your own salary and child support payments to afford a house.

Please start communicating with him, and think about why you're unable to be pleased that the person you love is a job he likes and wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, can you try to take even a little pleasure in the fact that he seems to enjoy his job and feels there is value in what he does--value beyond income?

If I'm reading your post right, he likes his government job because he feels he's doing something good and he has autonomy doing it. Can you, yourself, find something in his job, his work ethic, his being on "the good side" as you put it, that is worth your being proud of him? The post focuses solely on your expectations of having a certain income and house by a certain point in your marriage, and doesn't indicate what you think of the actual work he does day to day in his job. If he does something that he considers worthwhile and a contribution to whatever his agency's mission is....Do you think you could sit down and examine why you cannot find that admirable?

Maybe it's better to have a spouse who is fulfilled in his job, and live with him and your kids in an apartment, rather than a spouse who is miserable, or just bored and in a rut, but brings home the bacon to a big house he doesn't see much because he's working so many hours.

If you truly cannot find any pride or interest in his work, maybe you need some couples counseling where you tell him what you told us, because he needs to know that you are resenting him every day. And you need to look at whether your own focus and expectations are out of whack. Or you can go on posting anonymously and getting more resentful until one day you are posting about how you are going to leave him but you won't make enough with your own salary and child support payments to afford a house.

Please start communicating with him, and think about why you're unable to be pleased that the person you love is a job he likes and wants.

This is a remarkably insightful and kind post. An unusual nugget of sanity.

[Anonymous]

Well...maybe start with less money on toys and more in the savings account.

Then YOU look for a higher paying job. Equal rights and all, YAY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

NP. I never understand why people say that. Can't one type correctly on a phone/ look at what they wrote and correct it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

NP. I never understand why people say that. Can't one type correctly on a phone/ look at what they wrote and correct it?

Also- don't wait around for him to get that better job. He's happy where he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And 5 years from now when you've harassed him into taking the soul crushing corporate job and he works 65 hours a week, you'll have an affair and leave him because his personality has changed and he spends too much time working.

Yep this!

[Anonymous]

Trust me....

Living in an apartment with young children is really tough.

Just for that fact alone, OP's husband should make a strong approach to get out of that living situation.

[Anonymous]

I know it's hard, people change. If he has a job he likes, I think that is hard to come by. Would he move to a house in MD or VA? Can you downsize some toys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, can you try to take even a little pleasure in the fact that he seems to enjoy his job and feels there is value in what he does--value beyond income?

If I'm reading your post right, he likes his government job because he feels he's doing something good and he has autonomy doing it. Can you, yourself, find something in his job, his work ethic, his being on "the good side" as you put it, that is worth your being proud of him? The post focuses solely on your expectations of having a certain income and house by a certain point in your marriage, and doesn't indicate what you think of the actual work he does day to day in his job. If he does something that he considers worthwhile and a contribution to whatever his agency's mission is....Do you think you could sit down and examine why you cannot find that admirable?

Maybe it's better to have a spouse who is fulfilled in his job, and live with him and your kids in an apartment, rather than a spouse who is miserable, or just bored and in a rut, but brings home the bacon to a big house he doesn't see much because he's working so many hours.

If you truly cannot find any pride or interest in his work, maybe you need some couples counseling where you tell him what you told us, because he needs to know that you are resenting him every day. And you need to look at whether your own focus and expectations are out of whack. Or you can go on posting anonymously and getting more resentful until one day you are posting about how you are going to leave him but you won't make enough with your own salary and child support payments to afford a house.

Please start communicating with him, and think about why you're unable to be pleased that the person you love is a job he likes and wants.

This is a remarkably insightful and kind post. An unusual nugget of sanity.

NP here with same reaction. Bravo, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

You are complaining about a husband who makes $200k?

+1 200k is an excellent salary. To idea of pushing him to leave a job he loves and values just because he has the potential to earn more is rather maddening.
I imaging the issue is more her DH's inflexibility and inability to make some changes that would take some of the burden off PP. But it's not that he's not making enough.

Heck, my DH is a fed and makes about 125k, and I work part-time. We have two kids. It's doable.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this. My husband and I are both in government and we have a house and a good life. What is really holding you back? It can't be a federal career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me....

Living in an apartment with young children is really tough.

Just for that fact alone, OP's husband should make a strong approach to get out of that living situation.

As someone who grew up that way, I hate to say I disagree

OP, don't let this ruin an otherwise good marriage. You have it good. If you let it eat away what you have you will be worse off

[Anonymous]

Gee,when I made.60k and DH 80k (in out late 30s) I didn't think we were poor. We both are in creative fields/non profit stuff.

I can't imagine if your DH is in govt and you are working f/t that you are really struggling.what is your hhi,? Let's assume he's a lawyer(since you said practice,) and a GS 14? 15? That's the top salary for my position after 20 plus years, PhD, and record in national achievement.

I think your priorities are out of whack, but post your hhi and your field, may e there's a way for you to earn more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me....

Living in an apartment with young children is really tough.

Just for that fact alone, OP's husband should make a strong approach to get out of that living situation.

Seriously, you want people to trust you when you make a bold and inaccurate statement such as yours. Millions of people around this country live and grow up perfectly fine in apartments. it's only as tough as you mentally allow. Next, we will have people who live in SFh saying living in a town house with young children is tough. And then the McMansion dwellers saying . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

NP. I never understand why people say that. Can't one type correctly on a phone/ look at what they wrote and correct it?

NP. Sorry, this is an internet message board, not an email to the board of my company. I am not going to go back and closely proof or edit my post.