Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Omg. I can’t believe this was dredged up. I started reading it and was like “oh this sounds like me”. I looked at the date and realize OMG THIS IS ME. I WROTE THIS!!!!

God I spend too much time on DCUM

Want the last?

1)he’s still in the god damn gov job. Refuses to leave job or dc
2) I got a tech job and work like hell to bring my earnings up to $400k/ year (now)
3) we bought a house 5 years ago. It’s a million dollar house that feels like my parents starter home and makes me sad. Can host some family but not big gatherings (birthday parties, etc). Life isn’t as rich as it could be
3) I still resent him for lying/misleading me about his intentions and abilities. Have contemplated divorce many many many times (ha, it’s why I’m still reading dcum posts

Moral of my story: BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER WHEN DECIDING TO HEY MARRIED. I was, he wasn’t. I’ll resent him until the day I die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

People who tend to work for the government are not risk takers and your husband is one of them. These are people who are happy cruising to retirement despite lower earning potential compared to the private sector.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

The "gap" is the reason he won't jump. That time between when you leave current role (literally leaving money on the table) and how ever long it takes to build your commission stream back up. How long that takes is heavily dependent on the sales cycle of what you are selling and marketing resources you are provided or willing to pay for.

The best analogy I can give is, imagine you are playing poker and consistently winning at the casino but not winning big tournaments. At the casino you have 80k of your own chips in front of you and there is a lot of money on the table, as it is higher limits, and you have good chance of winning. The poker room boss comes over to you and offers you a deal, you can go to another table that is mostly beginners that you will do really well against. But it is much lower limit table and will take you longer to get to the 80k and longer to get more than 80k even though it is pretty much a guarantee. T

The caveat is the $80k stays at your current table and the casino (current employer) will keep most of it and the rest will get split amongst other players (other sales people that are staying). To get you started the other table will give you $5k. Again you know in the long run you can make more by going to the other table, but walking away from the 80k you have plus the other wins (sales) you are likely to get by playing the inherent odds (pipeline close rate) is hard to do and 99% of people would stay at the current table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. I can’t believe this was dredged up. I started reading it and was like “oh this sounds like me”. I looked at the date and realize OMG THIS IS ME. I WROTE THIS!!!!

God I spend too much time on DCUM

Want the last?

1)he’s still in the god damn gov job. Refuses to leave job or dc
2) I got a tech job and work like hell to bring my earnings up to $400k/ year (now)
3) we bought a house 5 years ago. It’s a million dollar house that feels like my parents starter home and makes me sad. Can host some family but not big gatherings (birthday parties, etc). Life isn’t as rich as it could be
3) I still resent him for lying/misleading me about his intentions and abilities. Have contemplated divorce many many many times (ha, it’s why I’m still reading dcum posts

Moral of my story: BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER WHEN DECIDING TO HEY MARRIED. I was, he wasn’t. I’ll resent him until the day I die.

I hope this is a troll, because if it is OP it's really sad.
OP, if you can't find a way to be happy with a $400k salary and a million dollar home, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your husband's salary is not the problem. The bad news is that your husband's salary is not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Has to be a troll thread. Husband should be a GS-15 making about $192,000 per year salary with great work life balance. OP is a fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. I can’t believe this was dredged up. I started reading it and was like “oh this sounds like me”. I looked at the date and realize OMG THIS IS ME. I WROTE THIS!!!!

God I spend too much time on DCUM

Want the last?

1)he’s still in the god damn gov job. Refuses to leave job or dc
2) I got a tech job and work like hell to bring my earnings up to $400k/ year (now)
3) we bought a house 5 years ago. It’s a million dollar house that feels like my parents starter home and makes me sad. Can host some family but not big gatherings (birthday parties, etc). Life isn’t as rich as it could be
3) I still resent him for lying/misleading me about his intentions and abilities. Have contemplated divorce many many many times (ha, it’s why I’m still reading dcum posts

Moral of my story: BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER WHEN DECIDING TO HEY MARRIED. I was, he wasn’t. I’ll resent him until the day I die.

I'm guessing you hate your job? If not, what's the problem? Sell your home and move to VA or MD. Have DH WFH a few days a week to make the commute bearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

You didn't mention what sort of person, husband and dad he is but from your given data, you do have several options.

1. You can just leave him and marry an earner of your dreams.

2. You can change your career path to earn more yourself.

3. You can make him move to a low cost area.

4. You can give him ultimatum to go private or divorce.

5. You can adjust to what he can offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has to be a troll thread. Husband should be a GS-15 making about $192,000 per year salary with great work life balance. OP is a fraud.

Correct

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. I can’t believe this was dredged up. I started reading it and was like “oh this sounds like me”. I looked at the date and realize OMG THIS IS ME. I WROTE THIS!!!!

God I spend too much time on DCUM

Want the last?

1)he’s still in the god damn gov job. Refuses to leave job or dc
2) I got a tech job and work like hell to bring my earnings up to $400k/ year (now)
3) we bought a house 5 years ago. It’s a million dollar house that feels like my parents starter home and makes me sad. Can host some family but not big gatherings (birthday parties, etc). Life isn’t as rich as it could be
3) I still resent him for lying/misleading me about his intentions and abilities. Have contemplated divorce many many many times (ha, it’s why I’m still reading dcum posts

Moral of my story: BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER WHEN DECIDING TO HEY MARRIED. I was, he wasn’t. I’ll resent him until the day I die.

So. TLDR; You are still a gold digger, but not confident enough to leave the situation that didn't work out as you planned and move on in an attempt to find a man with more money. Or maybe you just understand your (lack of) potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And 5 years from now when you've harassed him into taking the soul crushing corporate job and he works 65 hours a week, you'll have an affair and leave him because his personality has changed and he spends too much time working.

It’s human nature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men: Do not marry women who come from higher socioeconomic backgrounds than yourself. They are spoiled and will never appreciate you.

Men: just don’t get married and be free

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. I can’t believe this was dredged up. I started reading it and was like “oh this sounds like me”. I looked at the date and realize OMG THIS IS ME. I WROTE THIS!!!!

God I spend too much time on DCUM

Want the last?

1)he’s still in the god damn gov job. Refuses to leave job or dc
2) I got a tech job and work like hell to bring my earnings up to $400k/ year (now)
3) we bought a house 5 years ago. It’s a million dollar house that feels like my parents starter home and makes me sad. Can host some family but not big gatherings (birthday parties, etc). Life isn’t as rich as it could be
3) I still resent him for lying/misleading me about his intentions and abilities. Have contemplated divorce many many many times (ha, it’s why I’m still reading dcum posts

Moral of my story: BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER WHEN DECIDING TO HEY MARRIED. I was, he wasn’t. I’ll resent him until the day I die.

Um, you can leave the district and do just fine. Buy a house in VA or MD. There is life (and less crime) outside of DC

[Anonymous]

Love feminism: Women are able to go out and earn more money but still expect the man to earn money to pay for the family. Wonder if OP was honest about her need for a top 1% (or more?) salary from her husband.

I strongly advise OP to stay married and stop venting. You almost certainly won't do any better out there. All the good men were snapped up long ago, and most women are smart enough to hold onto those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:any healthy mature adult seeks growth in business and their personal lives.

I reject this premise.