Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow - what a surprise to find this again. I actually opened it thinking it was someone else’s post!

Here’s an update:

1. We bought a house. It’s a modest house inside beltway. we both love it. Quality of day to day life improved immediately. Feels great to be part of a less transient community. Our oldest started kindergarten at local school and we even hosted family for Christmas for first time. We went $100k over what we had thought we would pay initially. Real estate in this area is sobering. It’s ridiculous but it is what it is. I think/hope that being close to dc and us planning on staying awhile, that it’ll all work out.

2. Months after buying the house I landed a higher paying job. It’s pretty demanding Which has made me really really appreciate that my husband’s job is predictable. He’s picked up a lot of the responsibilities at home - shopping, dinnner, pick up, bills, doc appts. It’s been nice for a number of reasons - 1) it takes some of the worry away financially 2) I appreciate all he handles home to make this work and 3) I was really down on dc but this new job is helping keep things interesting.

Was funny to come across this post. For anyone going through the same thing I feel for you. It almost ruined us. Buying really helped. And if we couldnt have bought, I think renting a house would have helped. Apartments w small kids can feel like jail cells when that’s not where you want to be. I will also add that out longer commute (extra 20 mins) hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.

He is a misogynist and holding you back. You need to divorce him and find a man who will bring more to the table as in money. Do not let him keep you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T

[Anonymous]

Warning: Release the resentment and appreciate him for who he is, what he does for your family, how he loves you, that he chose to be your partner. Stress leading to resentment may trigger inflammation which sparks illness (aka cancer). My husband for years underworked/I didnt hold back letting him know how much I was annoyed especially as he let me shoulder so much (kids house) and his social life never suffered. I loved him. I did but I was irritated. Sadly he was the one who got cancer and died. Quickly. I wish Someone had told me how good I really did have it. Release the resentment. Appreciate him.

[Anonymous]

I know this is an old post, but I’m always surprised by how much money people feel like they need in DC. We bought (in NE Capitol Hill) in 2010 while I was a GS-14 and he was a medical resident (so earning not even $50K). He’s finished training, so we now make about $300K combined... We have 2 kids, pay a nanny, own a car, vacation a couple times a year, eat out/take out a couple times a week, etc. We have 429s for both kids at $4,000/year and contribute 5% (matched) and 3% (not quite matched) to our 401Ks. As a fed, I’m also building somewhat of a pension. The nanny means we basically break even but with sufficient liquidity to cover home/health emergencies and not worry about not being able to meet our internet/phone/gas/electricity/mobile/water/tv/etc bills. Basically, I don’t feel poor at all, but DCUM makes me feel like I should...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T

Why shouldn’t we?

[Anonymous]

I used to think it was silly that men are supposedly "intimidated" by successful women, but now I can appreciate why.

Most women expect a man to provide. If you don't provide a standard of living that is at least the equivalent of what she grew up with, she will resent you for it. Feminism only works one-way.

I think men should always marry a little bit "down" socioeconomically. If you're an upper-middle-class man, marry a lower-middle-class woman. If you're a lower-middle-class man, marry a working-class woman. That way she'll appreciate you, even if you "only" make $100K at a government job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was silly that men are supposedly "intimidated" by successful women, but now I can appreciate why.

Most women expect a man to provide. If you don't provide a standard of living that is at least the equivalent of what she grew up with, she will resent you for it. Feminism only works one-way.

I think men should always marry a little bit "down" socioeconomically. If you're an upper-middle-class man, marry a lower-middle-class woman. If you're a lower-middle-class man, marry a working-class woman. That way she'll appreciate you, even if you "only" make $100K at a government job.

Or marry a woman who makes her own money. I'm always grossed out by women on DCUM who complain about how little their husbands make like they aren't capable of getting off their pretty asses and making some bank of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You bet on the wrong horse. It happens. Give serious thought to how you can increase your income if you want that lifestyle.

+1, and can he bring anything else to the table?

[Anonymous]

Obviously you're not as high-achieving as you think you are if you're already at your "max earning potential".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

I grew up in a family with a Dad who worked really long hours.

I would preferred to live in an apartment -- and to have seen my Dad a lot -- compared to the childhood I actually had.

If he is a good father, if he plays with his kids, hugs them a lot, takes them to the park, makes them laugh, and reads to them, then your household is a wealthy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Or marry a woman who makes her own money. I'm always grossed out by women on DCUM who complain about how little their husbands make like they aren't capable of getting off their pretty asses and making some bank of their own.

White American women are the laziest, most entitled creatures on the face of the earth.

[Anonymous]

except for the Opie apparently who works long hours and makes more money than her husband and is glad her husband is doing all the housework stuff. But that doesn't fit into your prejudiced stereotyple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think it was silly that men are supposedly "intimidated" by successful women, but now I can appreciate why.

Most women expect a man to provide. If you don't provide a standard of living that is at least the equivalent of what she grew up with, she will resent you for it. Feminism only works one-way.

I think men should always marry a little bit "down" socioeconomically. If you're an upper-middle-class man, marry a lower-middle-class woman. If you're a lower-middle-class man, marry a working-class woman. That way she'll appreciate you, even if you "only" make $100K at a government job.

Or marry a woman who makes her own money. I'm always grossed out by women on DCUM who complain about how little their husbands make like they aren't capable of getting off their pretty asses and making some bank of their own.

My DH married down socioeconomically (to me). I worked my tail off my whole life to get where I am, now making double what he does. I resent him for it...the "it" being the fact that I have to put in so much to make what I do, while he could easily outpace me but doesn't put in the work/time, AND I'm the primary parent/house organizer/cleaner/life planner to boot. If he did the vast majority of the "home" stuff, it would be completely different.

For many women I know who are the breadwinners, that is the main issue. Not everyone is the same, but yeah I think that if you aren't going to be a provider, you damn well better step up to the plate in all other areas.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand people complaining about their quality of life at these salaries. I'm a single parent paying for private school, own a SFH, pay a dog walker, max out 401k.... make about $200k a year and live like a king.

I'd like to see your budgets and figure out what you are doing wrong that you can't afford a nice life on two incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand people complaining about their quality of life at these salaries. I'm a single parent paying for private school, own a SFH, pay a dog walker, max out 401k.... make about $200k a year and live like a king.

I'd like to see your budgets and figure out what you are doing wrong that you can't afford a nice life on two incomes.

Do you live in Woodbridge?