What do you do if you sense your teen is treading toward loser-ville?

[Anonymous]

Or a psychiatrist. ADHD never travels alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

Because they are nice to him and see value in him. You don't, and the moment other parents on the board point that out to you, you start making excuses for yourself and the language you use when you talk about him.

Honestly, if you really want to make a positive change in your child's life, get to family therapy. And when the therapist gives you feedback, listen to it. I bet your kid could be good at a lot of things, but for whatever reason you are not able to see that, and so neither is he.

Loser-ville is shorthand. It wasn't name calling, it's frustration and to the point. I've never called my son a loser, or anything close. Having a teen who lies, manipulates, sneaks, and ENJOYS sitting on his ass all day is tough to watch and I'm not going to be a blind mother who deludes herself into thinking he's headed down a great path. I'm not going to sugar coat it to an anonymous forum.

Yes, we all agree, he's on a bad path. Except every time someone mentions your possible role (your attitude toward him), or possible solutions (therapy, assessment) you bob, weave, and make excuses. Remind you of anyone?

Why did you post here? Surely not for reassurance that you have done everything you can do, because that would be terrible, hopeless. YOU don't know what to do, but there are lots of options left. Get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

What tests are you all recommending and what sort of doctor?

Our family physician wrote him the Adderall script two years ago. I assume it's helped him, some, but I have to ride him every day to keep grades decent. If I didn't ride him he'd be a C/D student.

I just googled Exec Function Disorder, and yes, he has that. Who helps with that? A psychologist? He actually has mentors that explain similar Exec Function things — he ignores all of it. It's all stupid or "gay".

That sounds like a defense mechanism from a kid who doesn't see any hope of success. You need to seriously shake up this downward spiral, because at the moment he can't do it for himself. If your family physician is the only one managing his ADHD and you suspect that there may be other issues at play, you should get him in for an evaluation with a neuropsychologist ASAP. The neuropsych eval will give the fullest possible picture of what is going on and what your son's strengths and weaknesses are with completing tasks and processing information. Such an evaluation can diagnose things like ADD/ADHD, anxiety, and executive function disorders, and is often the first step to generating a comprehensive and individualized plan for managing any conditions. If he has no diagnoses other than the one for which he's already on medication, this will rule out other issues and allow you to open a dialogue with the doctor about where to go from here since clearly the existing strategy for managing his challenges is not working.

[Anonymous]

Neuropsych exams usyally have a long waitlists. Get on the list and see a psychiatrist in the meantime. You can search for names in the special needs subforum here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

Because they are nice to him and see value in him. You don't, and the moment other parents on the board point that out to you, you start making excuses for yourself and the language you use when you talk about him.

Honestly, if you really want to make a positive change in your child's life, get to family therapy. And when the therapist gives you feedback, listen to it. I bet your kid could be good at a lot of things, but for whatever reason you are not able to see that, and so neither is he.

Loser-ville is shorthand. It wasn't name calling, it's frustration and to the point. I've never called my son a loser, or anything close. Having a teen who lies, manipulates, sneaks, and ENJOYS sitting on his ass all day is tough to watch and I'm not going to be a blind mother who deludes herself into thinking he's headed down a great path. I'm not going to sugar coat it to an anonymous forum.

Yes, we all agree, he's on a bad path. Except every time someone mentions your possible role (your attitude toward him), or possible solutions (therapy, assessment) you bob, weave, and make excuses. Remind you of anyone?

Why did you post here? Surely not for reassurance that you have done everything you can do, because that would be terrible, hopeless. YOU don't know what to do, but there are lots of options left. Get professional help.

PP here, my page refreshed and I see you are asking for resources. People are giving you good advice. Honestly I was mad at you because your son sounds like my brother and my parents did nothing but put him down and truly I think it ruined his life. He clearly had undiagnosed learning issues but all they did was shrug and talk about how "impossible" he was. I would do anything to change the past for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

What tests are you all recommending and what sort of doctor?

Our family physician wrote him the Adderall script two years ago. I assume it's helped him, some, but I have to ride him every day to keep grades decent. If I didn't ride him he'd be a C/D student.

I just googled Exec Function Disorder, and yes, he has that. Who helps with that? A psychologist? He actually has mentors that explain similar Exec Function things — he ignores all of it. It's all stupid or "gay".

That sounds like a defense mechanism from a kid who doesn't see any hope of success. You need to seriously shake up this downward spiral, because at the moment he can't do it for himself. If your family physician is the only one managing his ADHD and you suspect that there may be other issues at play, you should get him in for an evaluation with a neuropsychologist ASAP. The neuropsych eval will give the fullest possible picture of what is going on and what your son's strengths and weaknesses are with completing tasks and processing information. Such an evaluation can diagnose things like ADD/ADHD, anxiety, and executive function disorders, and is often the first step to generating a comprehensive and individualized plan for managing any conditions. If he has no diagnoses other than the one for which he's already on medication, this will rule out other issues and allow you to open a dialogue with the doctor about where to go from here since clearly the existing strategy for managing his challenges is not working.

+1 he sounds a lot like my DS-- that he has created barriers against things that make him uncomfortable or feeling badly about himself. It's easier to claim that things aren't worth our while than to admit that they are too difficult. Perceived criticism (even when it's not meant to be negative) and the barriers go up and the conversation shuts down. Avoidance- kids who struggle are quite creative at avoiding things that make them uncomfortable. Let's just say my DS spends too much of his school day in the nurse's office or the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or a psychiatrist. ADHD never travels alone.

Bullshit
Many kids have only ADHD.
You are ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the son of a friend of mine. Very lazy in high school. Failed the first college he attended with all D in every class. Went back home and suddenly declared he wanted to become a doctor. Went to community college, went to med school, and is now becoming an emergency doctor.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can afford it I'd take him for a neuropsychological evaluation with a psychologist. I used Stixrud in Silver Spring and we were quite satisfied. When our DD was in 10th grade we learning through the testing that she had several learning challenges as well as ADHD, and it was the start of her doing much better. I think she found it validating to know why she was actually doing so poorly in school. She's still not an A student but at least she's more engaged, doing better academically and headed to college next year. Just as important, she's taken up a musical instrument on her own and joined a club at school -- things I'd have been totally unable to convince her to do a year or two earlier. Don't lose heart. It does get better. Consider testing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you can afford it I'd take him for a neuropsychological evaluation with a psychologist. I used Stixrud in Silver Spring and we were quite satisfied. When our DD was in 10th grade we learning through the testing that she had several learning challenges as well as ADHD, and it was the start of her doing much better. I think she found it validating to know why she was actually doing so poorly in school. She's still not an A student but at least she's more engaged, doing better academically and headed to college next year. Just as important, she's taken up a musical instrument on her own and joined a club at school -- things I'd have been totally unable to convince her to do a year or two earlier. Don't lose heart. It does get better. Consider testing.

Above PP again. I wanted to add that we learned anxiety and poor self-esteem were factors, and that these are quite common for kids with LDs or ADHD.

[Anonymous]

But not everyone is as lucky as the son in pp. For most parents, the only thing one can do is to establish a reward system. For example, he can play game only if he does his home work (including the option problems).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

That's fine. And that happens after his work is done.

His main work is school. He needs to be doing his schoolwork. Blackboard, etc., exist so that you can see what his assignments are. Every night: I'm looking at your assignments and I've see you have x, y, z due tomorrow, show me what you've done, no hanging out or going out until the work is done. Monitor grades on-line so you can see when assignments haven't been turned in. Honestly, I wouldn't focus on grades at all at first and instead focus intently on *turning in assignments.* The work must be done, period. This is the best lesson you can teach him right now.

Next, how is he doing so much hanging out? How is he getting there? Where is his money coming from? It's time for Junior to get a job and finance his own hanging out habits. You will not be providing pocket money any more. Getting a job is not optional. Doesn't need to be much. He can scoop ice cream on Saturdays. But he needs a place where he has to be, where someone tells him what to do, where his time belong to someone else for a while. Welcome to the working week, son.

Resistance should be met with straight talk. No need to yell or lose your cool. Calm and firm. If he can't comply with these simple requirements, you won't be paying for his phone. You won't be loaning your car. Etc. Etc. Privileges need to be earned.

Buck up, OP. It won't be fun but you can do this. You must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or a psychiatrist. ADHD never travels alone.

Bullshit
Many kids have only ADHD.
You are ignorant.

She likely meant rarely... the stats are pretty low that is ADHD only. Often it is misdiagnosed and can be other things like; executive functioning disorder, SPD, LD's, receptive/expressive language disorders... etc.

BTW - unless you got a full neuropsych, its really hard to tell if it is only ADHD, many people just cut corners in the diagnosis and go to their pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

What tests are you all recommending and what sort of doctor?

Our family physician wrote him the Adderall script two years ago. I assume it's helped him, some, but I have to ride him every day to keep grades decent. If I didn't ride him he'd be a C/D student.

I just googled Exec Function Disorder, and yes, he has that. Who helps with that? A psychologist? He actually has mentors that explain similar Exec Function things — he ignores all of it. It's all stupid or "gay".

It is NOT okay to use "gay" as a synonym for stupid. We have evolved. Treat that like you would treat a racial slur -- not allowed in your home.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a terrible parent. She may not want to hear but the kids I've known who really go off the rails and the ones with high-achieving parents and siblings who live every day feeling like they don't measure up to the expectations of those around them. You had better get yourself into family counseling quickly and figure out why so are so narcissistic and devoid of empathy for a child who is not a carbon copy of yourself.