What do you do if you sense your teen is treading toward loser-ville?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some people just aren't into school. I have a cousin that just did not do well in school at all, but makes a good living as a certified mechanic. He loves it, and studies a lot to keep advancing, get new certifications, etc. Another younger cousin kept a 2.0 to play in the band. He is now a decorated Army Ranger and helicopter pilot. Everyone has to find their thing - for some, it isn't school.

+1

Some "lazy" kids just haven't found their niche.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me know if you figure it out. Also have one like this. Not motivated by school, work, money... anything we have tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some kids are unmotivated in school because they find it very difficult. Trade school can be a relief for them and, yes, then they are successful.

No kids that TRY and struggle in school, go off to trade school and do well. A lazy kid on his cell phone or sleeping isn't going to excel anywhere if there are no consequences.

Parents give very little consequences to kids.

Some kids give up even trying because they think there is no point thanks to repeatedly getting the message that they are stupid (or losers) & ,eventually, internalizing it &/or realizing that they will never live up to some arbitrary &, for them, impossible standard set by their parents. Once these kids find something outside the typical world of academia that they not only like but are good at, however, it can do wonders for their self-worth & motivation. This happened to both my BIL & my cousin. Both slept through most of their high school classes (when they actually bothered to show up), rarely (if ever) did any homework, spent most of their waking hours watching tv or playing video games, etc. They were basically the epitome of lazy as teenagers. But once they discovered auto maintenance & repair (BIL) & hairdressing (cousin), they couldn't have worked harder. Both are very successful -- & happy-- today.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some kids are unmotivated in school because they find it very difficult. Trade school can be a relief for them and, yes, then they are successful.

No kids that TRY and struggle in school, go off to trade school and do well. A lazy kid on his cell phone or sleeping isn't going to excel anywhere if there are no consequences.

Parents give very little consequences to kids.

Some kids give up even trying because they think there is no point thanks to repeatedly getting the message that they are stupid (or losers) & ,eventually, internalizing it &/or realizing that they will never live up to some arbitrary &, for them, impossible standard set by their parents. Once these kids find something outside the typical world of academia that they not only like but are good at, however, it can do wonders for their self-worth & motivation. This happened to both my BIL & my cousin. Both slept through most of their high school classes (when they actually bothered to show up), rarely (if ever) did any homework, spent most of their waking hours watching tv or playing video games, etc. They were basically the epitome of lazy as teenagers. But once they discovered auto maintenance & repair (BIL) & hairdressing (cousin), they couldn't have worked harder. Both are very successful -- & happy-- today.

Every hairdresser I've ever talked to is dumb as doornails and always has drama going on in their life. And I don't know any mechanics who grew up UMC.

[Anonymous]

Focus on the character issues - the lying, the making excuses, the sneaking. Whether he will be academically successful or not is probably already set. Even if you sit down and work through homework with him every night, he is going to be who he is in his aptitude and skills.

The character issues though - that's what makes someone a loser. You can be a highly successful plumber, truck driver, whatever -- with good character. But if you have poor character, you're not someone who will attract quality people and opportunities into your life. Especially if you're not the brightest.

You probably aren't going to make him a better student. So you better make sure he's a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

OP- I would get your DS an executive functioning tutor. Kids with ADHD often have executive functioning issues that aren't addressed by medicine.

Starting tasks, organizing time and materials, prioritizing, etc. are all executive functions. Kids with these problems have trouble "seeing the big picture" or learning from past mistakes without *a lot* of practice. They can feel extreme anxiety about asking for help, fail listen to or read directions, have trouble synthesizing/abstracting past learning on more difficult assignments (math word problems, writing assignments, etc). These kids may appear lazy, spacey, defiant, or unmotivated. Executive function skills can be built.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

So you have taken away all his money, all his electronics, and no hanging out with friends. Correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

Because they are nice to him and see value in him. You don't, and the moment other parents on the board point that out to you, you start making excuses for yourself and the language you use when you talk about him.

Honestly, if you really want to make a positive change in your child's life, get to family therapy. And when the therapist gives you feedback, listen to it. I bet your kid could be good at a lot of things, but for whatever reason you are not able to see that, and so neither is he.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some kids are unmotivated in school because they find it very difficult. Trade school can be a relief for them and, yes, then they are successful.

No kids that TRY and struggle in school, go off to trade school and do well. A lazy kid on his cell phone or sleeping isn't going to excel anywhere if there are no consequences.

Parents give very little consequences to kids.

Some kids give up even trying because they think there is no point thanks to repeatedly getting the message that they are stupid (or losers) & ,eventually, internalizing it &/or realizing that they will never live up to some arbitrary &, for them, impossible standard set by their parents. Once these kids find something outside the typical world of academia that they not only like but are good at, however, it can do wonders for their self-worth & motivation. This happened to both my BIL & my cousin. Both slept through most of their high school classes (when they actually bothered to show up), rarely (if ever) did any homework, spent most of their waking hours watching tv or playing video games, etc. They were basically the epitome of lazy as teenagers. But once they discovered auto maintenance & repair (BIL) & hairdressing (cousin), they couldn't have worked harder. Both are very successful -- & happy-- today.

Every hairdresser I've ever talked to is dumb as doornails and always has drama going on in their life. And I don't know any mechanics who grew up UMC.

I said my ccousin was successful & happy, not the next Einstein. She's far from being a rocket scientist but she is smart enough to run her own (very successful) salon which, given that was her ultimate career goal, is as smart as she needs to be to live a happy life ( which doesn't appear to contain an excessive amount of drama --
though I'm unclear as to why that is relevant).

And what does whether or not most of his collegues grew up UMC have to do with my BIL being a successful auto mechanic who loves his job?

Frankly, PP, you sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some kids are unmotivated in school because they find it very difficult. Trade school can be a relief for them and, yes, then they are successful.

No kids that TRY and struggle in school, go off to trade school and do well. A lazy kid on his cell phone or sleeping isn't going to excel anywhere if there are no consequences.

Parents give very little consequences to kids.

Some kids give up even trying because they think there is no point thanks to repeatedly getting the message that they are stupid (or losers) & ,eventually, internalizing it &/or realizing that they will never live up to some arbitrary &, for them, impossible standard set by their parents. Once these kids find something outside the typical world of academia that they not only like but are good at, however, it can do wonders for their self-worth & motivation. This happened to both my BIL & my cousin. Both slept through most of their high school classes (when they actually bothered to show up), rarely (if ever) did any homework, spent most of their waking hours watching tv or playing video games, etc. They were basically the epitome of lazy as teenagers. But once they discovered auto maintenance & repair (BIL) & hairdressing (cousin), they couldn't have worked harder. Both are very successful -- & happy-- today.

Every hairdresser I've ever talked to is dumb as doornails and always has drama going on in their life. And I don't know any mechanics who grew up UMC.

I said my ccousin was successful & happy, not the next Einstein. She's far from being a rocket scientist but she is smart enough to run her own (very successful) salon which, given that was her ultimate career goal, is as smart as she needs to be to live a happy life ( which doesn't appear to contain an excessive amount of drama --
though I'm unclear as to why that is relevant).

And what does whether or not most of his collegues grew up UMC have to do with my BIL being a successful auto mechanic who loves his job?

Frankly, PP, you sound insufferable.

+1

And like a whole different kind of loser...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

Because they are nice to him and see value in him. You don't, and the moment other parents on the board point that out to you, you start making excuses for yourself and the language you use when you talk about him.

Honestly, if you really want to make a positive change in your child's life, get to family therapy. And when the therapist gives you feedback, listen to it. I bet your kid could be good at a lot of things, but for whatever reason you are not able to see that, and so neither is he.

Loser-ville is shorthand. It wasn't name calling, it's frustration and to the point. I've never called my son a loser, or anything close. Having a teen who lies, manipulates, sneaks, and ENJOYS sitting on his ass all day is tough to watch and I'm not going to be a blind mother who deludes herself into thinking he's headed down a great path. I'm not going to sugar coat it to an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because they are nice to him and see value in him.

Well put, but OP's son's friends are likely immature slackers. Birds of a feather flock together. Slackers seek comfort and refuge in each other away from mature and ambitious peers to normalize their immaturity. Of course a layabout likes a judgment, competition, and expectation free ethos — but the world demands more from young men than horse play and video games.

[Anonymous]

he needs a job. Give him a month to get one then his phone is his bill , he needs his own plan and his bill . Make him pay his share of the cable/computer for the house and he pays for his own gas.

He is afraid of work. Make him get used to it.

[Anonymous]

I may have missed this somewhere in the thread, but is the OP's child getting poor grades? Or does he just appear to be lazy and uninterested, while doing perfectly well in school?

It could be that he really is a "loser" or it could be that he is a bright, unchallanged student with a micro-manager for a parent.