What do you do if you sense your teen is treading toward loser-ville?
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Anonymous
We discovered significant issues with my DD when she hit middle school. She did a neruopsych evaluation in 5th grade because I felt "something was off," but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly. Her 4th and 5th grade teacher said she was doing just 'fine." The report came back with no concerns except the psychologist put down mild ADHD so the insurance would accept the report.  WHen I could not take it any longer in her 8th grade year, we went to a different neuropsychologist. I don't know if it was the three years that made a difference (things got worse for her??) or the tester was better, but it was determined she had significant processing, organization and short term memory issues.
From that report, I now have a better understand of how much she constantly struggles with everyday tasks. My heart absolutely breaks when I think about how I would get sooooo frustrated at her for not being able to do simple things - like be ready for school at a certain time. I remember being so mean to her by saying things like, "You have gotten ready for school to leave the house at 8:15 EVERY MORNING FOR FIVE YEARS, ,how come I still need to tell you to get your shoes, on and brush your teeth?" Her room was always a mess because she couldn't figure out what the throw out so I would go in when she was at school and reduce the cr@p she had saved when what was really going on was that she had no idea how to figure out what to keep and what to save. The second neuropsych evaluation cost me $4500 which my insurance didn't cover since she was out-of-network, but it gave us answers.... huge executive functioning deficit. It explained so much. It has helped me be a better parent by knowing WHY her backpack is a complete disaster but now knowing she needs my help in setting up a system to keep it clean. At 14 years old, she constantly avoids systems we have set up, but I am now more gentler in helping and she knows I am there for her. After school she would put all her homework and books out on the kitchen table and attempt to eat a snack while working on a bit of an essay, a few math problems, Spanish vocab and novel reading (and or course check instagram 1 million times) all while her sister was watching tv in the family room. SHe would literally do omework from 3:00 til 9:00 with a break for dinner. It was a complete disaster!!! We've worked with a language therapist to organize her afternoon. "Remember to only take out your math books and complete that first. Then put your math away, taken a 10 minute social break and take out your Spanish vocab....." all while the phone sits in the kitchen on absolute silent. It's still a constant struggle, but many things are so much better. SO, hang in there, OP. Search for professionals for answers. It may take a while, but don't give up!!! |
Anonymous
| Could parents struggling to parent an older child with Executive functioning issues share their stories? |
Anonymous
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This thread sounds like a precurser to pharmaceuticals pushing yet another wonder drug on poor kids.
(newly invented name for an imagined disorder) "exec func disease" - ta da! Here is the drug for you! Problem solved. |
Anonymous
| Could you maybe move your son to a different school, where his peers would less likely to encourage his worse impulses? |
Anonymous
I have two boys who struggle with executive functioning issues. Both have ADHD and one also has anxiety. Both receive medication, though their medication protocols are very different. Both of my boys are doing well. But, it's been years of working on skills. For example, by third grade, they have been responsible to manage their own homework and I let them fail and helped them develop a plan to fix it after they did. We worked on backpack management for two years before middle school. IME, in ES, teachers and aides were all too willing to do it for them, but in MS, you're on your own, so it was a struggle to get support for this. It took more than six months to learn to get up to an alarm clock. When they were little, I used to develop a lot of systems for them to remember to do things. But by MS, I turned it over to them to develop their own systems. In addition to working with them, I found that we had to adjust our expectations. Here, everyone believes their kid can and should go to college. We all start saving practically from birth. But, one of mine is truly not capable due to learning issues. It wasn't so hard for our son because he knew his limits. Anyway, we explored non college options and he is currently in a technical program and is not college bound. Finally, we started young at getting our boys into taking care of the house and also working. Before being old enough to work, they had regular volunteer work and did things like dog walking, gathering mail for vacationing neighbors, etc. It's not that I cared so much to have them working. But, in order to be successful, they needed more support and guidance than other kids their age so I had to start them early. Biggest thing in my parenting is that I always feel like I have a goal for my boys. I feel like I have to recognize and accept where they are having difficulties so that I can keep them moving along so they become successful adults. I do enjoy my kids tremendously, but I feel like parenting has never been easy because of their difficulties - like I could never relax and believe that between them and the school, they would be ok. |
Anonymous
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Haha jesus christ OP. I was like this in HS. Very unmotivated. Smoked a lot of pot. When my parents pushed me, tried to change who I spent time with, or tried to force me into different activities, it just caused me to rebel more. I figured it out in college, graduated magna cum laude, worked all over the world, and now have my dream job.
The worst thing you can do is let him think you think he's 'treading toward loser-ville'. He will just recognize that you're a douchebag, and will do the opposite of what you want. So, you know, just don't be a douchebag. |
Anonymous
you kid, but all this shit about executive functioning deficits is really disturbing. part of being a kid is being dopey, forgetting things, learning time management by making mistakes, and so on. it's soooo dumb to try and diagnose normal development as some sort of deficit or disorder. i hate this site so much, but just can't stop watching the slow motion parenting train wrecks. |
Anonymous
| ^ a lot of dopey kids are actual dopes and when even a crappy state college sets a family back 25K per year it can be financial ruin for a family when the authentically dopey kids fail out, thus no ability to earn a livable wage. |
Anonymous
so what's your point? that making up a disorder will prevent kids from failing in life? |
Anonymous
| C/D high school student here. Went to nova at age 20 after spending two years smoking pot and waiting tables. I then transferred to uva with the guaranteed admissions program. Im now making 288k/yr as a professional. Just went to my HS clads reunion and Im more professionally successful than probably 95% of my graduating class. |
Anonymous
1. You're an outlier. Basically one in a million. 2. What sort of high school? These turn-around stories are always like some slacker rich kid that was at a Philly prep school. |
Anonymous
Local VA public high school outside the beltway. My parents were solidly middle class. Quite a few people go to nova because they couldn't focus in HS and transfer to great VA schools. HS just didnt engage me. Frankly I found it boring. I didn't learn anything profound in college either, but i can read people well and then make adjustments. It has served me well. |
Anonymous
Selling what? |
Anonymous
Oh, really? Are you trying to make a slam against the ^^PP? Major flop. |
Anonymous
^^ 
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