What do you do if you sense your teen is treading toward loser-ville?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a job now and you need a firm boundary that he is out of the house and supporting himself at 18. Do not enable laziness.

And people, trade school is still fucking school. I come from a family of tradespeople. Lots of them were bad at academics. But they were not LAZY like OP's son. You cannot be lazy and succeed at trade school or in a trade, JFC.

+1 There's a difference between being lazy versus having more of an aptitude for a trade than for academics. You still have to have a work ethic to be good at a trade.

And you have to have motivation. In my anecdotal experience, the people who have done well in academics OR in a trade are people who weren't spoiled as children/teenagers. They had to work for everything. They didn't get the latest gadgets or video games. They had to buy their own clothes as teenagers. So they all had part-time jobs as soon as they could get them. Their parents didn't have to pressure them to get jobs or do school work. Basically, their parents just had to not give them things they wanted. It created a built-in motivation to work. And as soon as a teenager or a preteen works a crummy job for minimum wage (or less if they are babysitting, doing chores for other people, which is the only work a preteen can get), they learn REALLY fast the value of an education, because they realize that the only thing worse than living with your parents and relying on them is working long hours at a crummy job for peanuts.

You don't need to call your son names or create an adversarial relationship with him. You don't need to beg, plead, or punish him into motivation. You just need to stop funding his lifestyle. Get rid of every gadget you paid for. Take it away and explain it's not punishment. It's reality. If he wants things, he has to pay for them.

Don't be mean about it. Don't yell. Don't curse. Be matter of fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old/grade is this student? Is his attitude new or has it been going on a long time?

OP.

For ever? Thought he'd mature. Even when doing chores he's a drag ass with a dirty look on his face ... for as long as I can remember.

OP- consider posting on the special needs board. Your son has ADHD- it affects global functioning. My guess is that much of his behavior is a result of ADHD and/or other related issues. I know this is frustrating. My son with similar issues will get into screaming matches with me over the most minor things. Last night- I was so relieved when he went to bed because he was unpleasant and refusing to do very simple things like brush his teeth or pack his (finished) homework into his backpack for school. (seriously, he spent an hour on homework then fought with me tooth and nail because he didn't want to go to the effort of putting it in folders to hand in at school). That is how executive functioning and ADHD work. Parents who have not dealt with it on this scale have no clue and will suggest some things that won't work or will cause major escalations. Go to the special needs board for advice that is helpful and sympathetic. You are not alone, you are not a terrible parent, your son is not doomed to failure, and your feelings of anger and frustration are natural and normal.

I'm sure some kids have ADHD. I don't see, however, how you can be so sure that OP's son has it. It's one thing to suggest to OP that she take her son to a professional to explore the possibility he has ADHD. It's another thing to proclaim with certainty that someone you don't know, have never met, has a disorder that -- even for professionals in the field -- is difficult to diagnose.

[Anonymous]

^ OP said her son is on Adderall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old/grade is this student? Is his attitude new or has it been going on a long time?

OP.

For ever? Thought he'd mature. Even when doing chores he's a drag ass with a dirty look on his face ... for as long as I can remember.

OP- consider posting on the special needs board. Your son has ADHD- it affects global functioning. My guess is that much of his behavior is a result of ADHD and/or other related issues. I know this is frustrating. My son with similar issues will get into screaming matches with me over the most minor things. Last night- I was so relieved when he went to bed because he was unpleasant and refusing to do very simple things like brush his teeth or pack his (finished) homework into his backpack for school. (seriously, he spent an hour on homework then fought with me tooth and nail because he didn't want to go to the effort of putting it in folders to hand in at school). That is how executive functioning and ADHD work. Parents who have not dealt with it on this scale have no clue and will suggest some things that won't work or will cause major escalations. Go to the special needs board for advice that is helpful and sympathetic. You are not alone, you are not a terrible parent, your son is not doomed to failure, and your feelings of anger and frustration are natural and normal.

I'm sure some kids have ADHD. I don't see, however, how you can be so sure that OP's son has it. It's one thing to suggest to OP that she take her son to a professional to explore the possibility he has ADHD. It's another thing to proclaim with certainty that someone you don't know, have never met, has a disorder that -- even for professionals in the field -- is difficult to diagnose.

pp here- she specifically said her son is taking meds for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old/grade is this student? Is his attitude new or has it been going on a long time?

OP.

For ever? Thought he'd mature. Even when doing chores he's a drag ass with a dirty look on his face ... for as long as I can remember.

Well, have you tried telling him that the faster he makes good grades, gets a useful hobby, and gets into college, the faster he will be able to get the #&$# out of the house? If he just slacks along, he will be living with you on his case, for the foreseeable future. This motivated me like nothing else could.

Yes. He is obsessed about the idea of college and being out of the house. Not obsessed with effort to get there.

Pp here, then he sounds exactly like my nephew who, it turns out, has learning problems and severe anxiety. His parents had to force him to enlist after high school, and the military figured out he has problems and is trying to help him. If they had gotten him the help he needed before forcing him to enlist (because he was also lazy) his life may have taken a much different path.

Think about having your son evaluated for other learning issues and/ or anxiety. All this "gay" talk indicates to me he is trying to avoid his own problems while insulting others.

[Anonymous]

All the 'gay' talk and attitude teases out an immature slacker who surrounds himself with immature slackers who are going nowhere. When kids surround themselves with losers it normalizes their behavior. Up is down, down is up. Trying hard and being serious is "gay", goofing off and never being serious is seen as so "cool".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Ever test?

Look into executive functioning disorder

Executive functioning disorder is a made up thing for kids whose parents coddled and did everything for them and now they have no idea how to manage themselves, organize and focus.

[Anonymous]

All due respect the symptoms of Executive Function Disorder sound identical to what we used to just call flat out dumb. Who invented EFD? Is it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

If he were from a Lmc/working background. I'd be thinking he'd land in prison, eventually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Ever test?

Look into executive functioning disorder

Executive functioning disorder is a made up thing for kids whose parents coddled and did everything for them and now they have no idea how to manage themselves, organize and focus.

This is so not true. Please be kind. Unless you have ever experienced the many, many issues with this you have no idea. Let's not lump all parents / kids together. Some people honestly struggle and it is heart wrenching. I have Learned so much!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today I learned moms have a new title to rationalize lazy immature teens: executive function disorder. Or... maybe you just let your kid sit on their ass for too many years before addressing it and now it's baked into their character.

You're an ignorant ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All due respect the symptoms of Executive Function Disorder sound identical to what we used to just call flat out dumb. Who invented EFD? Is it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)?

Right, except my kid, who you are calling dumb, has an IQ of 135 and a freshman year PSAT score of 1400. EFD is related to immaturity in certain brain functions. Perhaps you can understand it if you think of the late bloomer in regards to puberty. it is a biological deficit that becomes pronounced and obvious in HS. So if you don't have anything substantive to add, you can move along.

[Anonymous]

How does one overcome EFD? Therapy? Someone mentioned a life coach (?) - what is that?

[Anonymous]

There are several different kinds of ADHD meds out there. Discuss it with your pediatrician and perhaps try a new one or a higher dosage.

Getting involved in sports or the school play or scouts would probably help too. Church youth group maybe too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today I learned moms have a new title to rationalize lazy immature teens: executive function disorder. Or... maybe you just let your kid sit on their ass for too many years before addressing it and now it's baked into their character.

DO oyu have a child with ex. functioning disorder? If you don't, you can't possible understand what it is like for a child or a parent who wants to help so badly!!!