What do you do if you sense your teen is treading toward loser-ville?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd never call him a loser. But he's so lazy and in denial about his laziness and I catch him lying about everything. He hates school. Hates reading. Hates every subject.

When was he last assessed for ADHD? Has he ever been assessed for other LDs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The only thing that motivates him is getting to hang out with friends. Period. He doesn't give a crap about nice clothes, phone, computer, money, video games being taken away. Goofing around with friends is the only priority in his life. If you asked him "What do you like to do?" ... Re: "Hang with friends."

"You can't hang with your friends unless you get a job and make better grades."
Maybe he won't be intrinsically motivated but at least he will be doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Some kids are unmotivated in school because they find it very difficult. Trade school can be a relief for them and, yes, then they are successful.

No kids that TRY and struggle in school, go off to trade school and do well. A lazy kid on his cell phone or sleeping isn't going to excel anywhere if there are no consequences.

Parents give very little consequences to kids.

Some kids give up even trying because they think there is no point thanks to repeatedly getting the message that they are stupid (or losers) & ,eventually, internalizing it &/or realizing that they will never live up to some arbitrary &, for them, impossible standard set by their parents. Once these kids find something outside the typical world of academia that they not only like but are good at, however, it can do wonders for their self-worth & motivation. This happened to both my BIL & my cousin. Both slept through most of their high school classes (when they actually bothered to show up), rarely (if ever) did any homework, spent most of their waking hours watching tv or playing video games, etc. They were basically the epitome of lazy as teenagers. But once they discovered auto maintenance & repair (BIL) & hairdressing (cousin), they couldn't have worked harder. Both are very successful -- & happy-- today.

I am the first and third PP. you have described my son exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If school isn't his thing how about trade school?

Never understood people who say this. Lazy is lazy. A lazy unorganized unmotivated slacker isn't suddenly going to be an HVAC or plumbing wizard, are they?

Sounds like the kid is not lazy but may not have the right meds for ADHD or support for executive functioning skills

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Starting tasks, organizing time and materials, prioritizing, etc. are all executive functions. Kids with these problems have trouble "seeing the big picture" or learning from past mistakes without *a lot* of practice. They can feel extreme anxiety about asking for help, fail listen to or read directions, have trouble synthesizing/abstracting past learning on more difficult assignments (math word problems, writing assignments, etc). These kids may appear lazy, spacey, defiant, or unmotivated. Executive function skills can be built.

This is all true. Have you actually sat down to help him start an assignment to see if you can notice any issues? I have a similar sounding kid & mine gives up at the slightest hint of trouble. Getting zeros, ban on electronics, losing privileges, whatever: all meaningless. But once an assignment is unpacked a little or broken down into more manageable bits, he can do it. Most of his peers are light years ahead in terms of managing their own school work; I know this. I'm sure plenty of people will scream 'helicopter', but with a kid who isn't as mature as others his age and has near zero executive functioning skills, letting him flop around on his own, or ignore his homework & hope it goes away isn't helpful. We work on strategies for coping with each assignment and I proof read them or quiz him to make sure they get done. It's tedious. I don't care if he hates it, he has to learn to prioritize. If I fail and he's still struggling in his 20's, it won't be for lack of trying.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, this was our son. Turns out he has nearly debilitating anxiety, which can manifest as ADD/ADHD. It had to get much worse before it was fully diagnosed. It caused no end of bad behavior Might be worth looking into (although we are still not on the other side).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents considered me a "loser" because I loved to study and do well in school, but was not a people person who wanted to be popular and hang with friends all the time.

Help your teenager find THEIR strengths. I see much therapy and/or alcohol/drugs in your teenager's future.

Not quite same but something similar with me. A+ student, college and all, but mom was never happy because I don't dress up like I am Amal Clooney everyday, but prefer sporty clothes. Non stop criticizing, non stop "what do you think you look like?" comments.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

No anxiety issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

For those recommending tutoring or an executive coach (what even is that?): He thinks all of that is "gay". Tutoring is gay, asking a teacher for solo help is gay, study groups are gay, and on and on.

[Anonymous]

OP. Ever test?

Look into executive functioning disorder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No anxiety issues.

It might look like that to you. Parents are not the best diagnosticians. Talk to the medical provider.

[Anonymous]

Greetings,

Although I have the diagnosis' and facts about my 12 year old DD's ADHD, executive functioning disorder, and mild learning disabilities - when frustrated I often worry and sometimes project that anxiety on my child that she'll end up working at a CVS.

However, I work hard still not to give up and to provide her the support needed. Including, meds, therapy and a tutor to help keep her organized and any supported needed on school work.

Also, useful books"

Smart but Scattered for Teens - http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/87/slide-2.html

And

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? Kelly and Ramundo

[Anonymous]

OP, have you taken him to a doctor or had tests? If so, then great. If not, he needs to go. A relative was not diagnosed until he enlisted in the military. His wealthy parents could not believe anything was wrong with their son, he behaved in school and they labeled him as lazy. he did not cause enough problems to be selected for extra assistance or evaluation. It took going to Iraq and getting PTSD before he had his problems taken care of.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

What tests are you all recommending and what sort of doctor?

Our family physician wrote him the Adderall script two years ago. I assume it's helped him, some, but I have to ride him every day to keep grades decent. If I didn't ride him he'd be a C/D student.

I just googled Exec Function Disorder, and yes, he has that. Who helps with that? A psychologist? He actually has mentors that explain similar Exec Function things — he ignores all of it. It's all stupid or "gay".

[Anonymous]

Neuropsychological exam