Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

Okay, avoiding the bandwagon where everyone just jumps all over OP and moving on to how to help her cope.

OP--you start by acknowledging that your feelings are your own. Although most here (including me) do not agree with it, if you continue to try to concentrate on only the bigotry aspect and forcing yourself to accept his sexuality, then you will be focused on that instead of focusing on your relationship. You can be unaccepting of your brother's sexuality and still get back a family relationship. As others have pointed out, his sexuality and who he partners with are not your business and do not have to be a part of your relationship to him. You start by accepting that you are intolerant of his sexuality and set that aside.

Your first task is not to cope with his sexuality but to rebuild your relationship. While you can spend time grieving about the hopes and dreams you had for his future, or you can worry about dealing with the reality of his future. He is still the same man he was before he told you. He's let you in on some personal information because you two are close. However, that information really does not have anything to do with you. You are his sister, not his partner. What he does when he goes home is not your business. Remind yourself of all of the aspects of him that you like, that you love, that make him the brother that is important to you. You call him the fun jock. Is he less athletic? Does he like his sports less now? Is he still fun? Do you still have a good time with him? Does he still treat you well? All of the important parts of your relationship to him have not changed. Remember that. Get yourself used to thinking about the characteristics of the person you love that directly affect you and you will realize that he can still be the same brother to you.

Ask him to meet with you again privately, just the two of you. Reacquaint yourself with him and remind yourself that he hasn't changed. Only your perspective of him has changed because you've widened your scope of what you know about him. Before, you made assumptions, now you know. But in reality, that information isn't key to your relationship with him. Talk to him. Let him know that you still love him but that you're having problems coping with the personal information that he's shared with you. Tell him that you appreciate that he trusts you enough to share that with you, but that since you don't agree with his sexuality, you are trying to cope with the information in a way that you can still love him and return to the relationship you had while coming to terms with your own feelings about his news.

So, first, come to accept that you still love him, that he's still a great brother, that this news doesn't change who he is or what he means to you.
Second, make sure to convey to him that you still love him and want to have a close relationship with him, but that you need to find your own way to cope with his news.

Then, when you've been able to recover your relationship with him, see if you can come to terms with meeting his partner and accepting his partner as an important part of who your brother is. I have one brother and one sister. I don't know about you, but I don't think about what my brother does in bed with his wife and I don't think about what my sister does in bed with her boyfriend. There are plenty of heterosexual things that I would not approve of that they might do in bed, but it really isn't my business and I don't have to work too hard to avoid thinking about their conjugal relationships. You can do the same with your brother and his partner. You can accept your brother's boyfriend as a close and important friend to your brother without concerning yourself about what goes on behind closed doors, because it's kind of creepy to think about your sibling's sex life.

Also, I recommend that you look into the local chapter of PFLAG. Most of those members have been through what you're going through and will be able to help you directly and talk to you about your concerns and your issues much better than an anonymous forum.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have been transported back in time to 1996 not 2016. Is this for real? your reaction to his revelation seems so dated as to be almost trollish.

[Anonymous]

He is gay, he asked you to accept it, you couldn't. How could you not notice something until now? It is obvious that the reason he told you so carefully is because he is aware of your intolerance. I hope you come around and act like his sister again. You are not his ex wife, you should love your brother. Who cares if he is gay? You do. But, why?

[Anonymous]

OP, you've gotten some good advice here. You also need to realize that the alternative to you brother coming out isn't having a lovely wife. Rather, it's living a lie, perhaps bringing a lovely woman into a sham marriage, it's feeling everyday that if he is true to himself the world will reject and hate him. You love your brother, and that's clearly not the life you want for him. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, what might have happened with my kids is important. I don't think it's appropriate for my brother to have introduced homosexuality to my kids before I had a chance to talk to them and before he told me. I do not know if this is what happened, but unless he shut the boyfriend away whenever my kids were over, how could they not have met him?

Second, the poster with the lesbian sister gets it. A lot has changed with this revelation. Clearly, we were not that close and he did not trust me as much as I did him. I had no secrets from him. I also have fears for him. The higher rate of STDs, the tougher road he has.

Third, he wants my help in coming out to our parents and I feel as if I am going to collapse at the thought. This is a visceral reaction I cannot help. He is turning my life upside down with his requests. This will tear my parents apart. And yes, maybe he is being himself and it is not his fault, but we didn't ask for this either.

I don't believe I am as crazy as some are suggesting. I know there are others out there who get my grief.

Still all about you, eh? You really believe that he's going to "out" himself to your kids? Clearly, you're not that close---your brother saw you for the bitch that you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

Yes, I do. But I need time and I am not sure about when I will be okay with meeting his boyfriend and my brother bringing my children around his boyfriend. I am also not sure if I can help with my parents. I honestly shake at the thought of being part of that conversation. They will cry so hard and I will just want to disappear. I wish he had not chosen this lifestyle or that he had eased us into the news. I do not agree with this stance that gays can drop the news however and whenever they want and we all just have to immediately become cheerleaders. The approach matters.

When did you choose to be straight? You're as stupid as they come. I hope your brother never speaks to you again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Perhaps you should relax and let them worry about their own souls.

That would be living a lie. You talk to people you love about the deepest most important things there are. I'm not telling anybody that they WILL go to hell. I'm telling them they might and they need to deeply consider it so that they aren't freaking out on their deathbed . Pithy popular opinion doesn't give you jack squat when you're leaving this earth.

But if you acknowledge that everyone probably "sins" every day, and that homosexuality is the same as every other sin, I am curious whether you have this same conversation with everyone you know. Every hetero couple engaging in premarital sex is also risking their souls (according to you), perhaps you also believe in no birth control or whatever it may be...please tell me that every time you catch someone "sinning", you share with them that they are risking their immortal soul. Out of love, of course.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really don't understand why this is upsetting for you. Or why your parents would cry. I just don't get it. Had you hoped he would marry your best friend Sally? He is the same person he always was, nothing about him has changed. Your kids don't need to be 'introduced to homosexuality' whatever that means. Some men fall in ice with women, and some fall in love with men, and both are great. His road in life is only made harder because people like you seem to have issues.

[Anonymous]

You seem to think one of your options here if for him to NOT BE GAY. That's not an option.

What are your options?

1) cut him off because gay sex is gross and eww you can't even think about it (my advice: don't think about it, just like I don't think about my brother and his wife having sex)

2) accept that he is gay, and has a partner who is also a man. Work on *yourself* to realize any issues you have with that are yours, not his. Do your best to welcome partner. Therapy may help with this.

I recommend doing #2 before he chooses to cut YOU off for being an awful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publicly. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

You sound awful. I feel for your gay acquaintances (you no longer have gay friends).

If you love somebody and worry about their soul you don't let them suffer without telling them . I never bring it up again and they know I care about them more than most people.

Who says they're suffering?

[Anonymous]

OP, I burst into tears when my sister came out to me (over the phone, because we live across the country from each other now). It was sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I realized I was crying because I was afraid for her. She's always struggled to find friends and fit in, and this was one more thing that was going to make it challenging for her at times.

In reality though, it's SO MUCH BETTER now. Once she came out to me, I was able to process it and realize how much she'd been hiding and for so long. I cried more realizing how painful it must have been for her. Now when I see her, she is a new person--open and bolder and more secure in herself.

Go apologize to your brother. You cannot control your parents' reactions, nor should you try. The only thing you can control is how you respond to your brother--and the only appropriate response is, "I love you, I always have, and this will not change that."

[Anonymous]

OP, you are under no obligation to accept or support anything in the world. If some people feel better about their miserable selves when they call you a bigot, so be it. These people don't matter. Your family does. If you can't reconcile raising your children with a gay uncle in their lives, oh well. I say this as a person who is generally accepting of different lifestyles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Perhaps you should relax and let them worry about their own souls.

That would be living a lie. You talk to people you love about the deepest most important things there are. I'm not telling anybody that they WILL go to hell. I'm telling them they might and they need to deeply consider it so that they aren't freaking out on their deathbed . Pithy popular opinion doesn't give you jack squat when you're leaving this earth.

It's your judgemental soul that should be freaking out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if he introduced his boyfriend to your kids. Such a hateful person.

Are you the type of person who goes to church?

Such a loving assumption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Perhaps you should relax and let them worry about their own souls.

That would be living a lie. You talk to people you love about the deepest most important things there are. I'm not telling anybody that they WILL go to hell. I'm telling them they might and they need to deeply consider it so that they aren't freaking out on their deathbed . Pithy popular opinion doesn't give you jack squat when you're leaving this earth.

It's your judgemental soul that should be freaking out

I'm not judging , I'm worried. And if it's somebody you love , you care. And peoples opinions don't mean squat .