Approaching one year without sex with DH ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

Oh please. Your average male is going to be game. OP's husband is gay or screwing someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. 45, no sex in 5+, maybe even 8 years. Rejection hurts so much. My DH is either gay, asexual or addicted to porn. Looking back sex was always so-so. I won't leave after 15+ years and 3 kids, but I do masturbate every morning. I don't care if he knows- he's usually "sleeping"

At some point I'll probably find a friend and become lovers. I get hit on often, I'm very sexual, I need to be touched - even non sexually would be fine.

I imagine we'll always stay married, but I don't think my marriage vows were meant to include forced celibacy.

I've expressed my concerns about no sex every way possible. He does not care. I've asked for an open marriage and he looked "hurt", really? Are u kidding me! His reply was that if it was something I really wanted to do and thought was right, he wouldn't care as long as not someone he knows. I haven't acted, because it was more of a cry for help, but his reply told me all that I needed to know.

I have no advice, just know that there are many attractive DWs in sexless marriages. And it sucks!

You got the green light. He's probably happy you're willing to stay and play the role. You just need some good loving and you will probably have a happy marriage again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5'5, 110 pounds

Liar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't even dare touching him myself. It is weird, as if I would be trespassing. There is now a wall and I feel so shy. I have been rebuked too often. And whenever I try to discuss the topic he says I am not making enough efforts to arouse him. But I don't even see how. I am not a prude, but I am not going to start a lap dance to arouse someone who doesn't even start with the beginning of a twinkle in his eyes.

Oh here we go again, yet another "I WON'T DARE INITIATE! I'M A WOMAN! IT'S MY PREROGATIVE TO SIT ON MY ASS AND WHINE IF HE DOESN'T INITIATE!"

[Anonymous]

hmmm.... doesn't he even have early morning erections? Can't you make your move then? If he doesn't, it is a medical problem...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
People always minimize their own impact on a situation, so ' I doubt you tried 3 or 4 times or only said no to sex when he initiated in the immediate post partum.
It's the 4th page now so people have probably forgotten, but way back on the first page you say he asked you for lingerie and a lap dance which you have decided not to do.
You seem to believe in the stereotype that you should just show up to bed, take of your shirt, give a BJ and that should be enough he should just be ready. Not always how it works.

I know you posted here to be validated by the sex starved men and the women who will just tell you are right just because you are female, but my diagnosis is you both share in this. It seems like the two of you are not willing to compromise and meet each other's needs it's all my way or the highway which is a death sentence to a happy healthy sex life and marriage.

I don't think she's nearly as attractive as she thinks she is. At first she mentions baby weight (always a red flag) but then claims she's 5-5/110 . I, like you, believe that OP's the type of woman who sits on her rear and never lifts a finger for anything: sex, dinner, dates, etc. The man is to ALWAYS initiate while she sits on her fat little rear and has everything handed to her.

Sorry, I'm not buying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People always minimize their own impact on a situation, so ' I doubt you tried 3 or 4 times or only said no to sex when he initiated in the immediate post partum.
It's the 4th page now so people have probably forgotten, but way back on the first page you say he asked you for lingerie and a lap dance which you have decided not to do.
You seem to believe in the stereotype that you should just show up to bed, take of your shirt, give a BJ and that should be enough he should just be ready. Not always how it works.

I know you posted here to be validated by the sex starved men and the women who will just tell you are right just because you are female, but my diagnosis is you both share in this. It seems like the two of you are not willing to compromise and meet each other's needs it's all my way or the highway which is a death sentence to a happy healthy sex life and marriage.

I don't think she's nearly as attractive as she thinks she is. At first she mentions baby weight (always a red flag) but then claims she's 5-5/110 . I, like you, believe that OP's the type of woman who sits on her rear and never lifts a finger for anything: sex, dinner, dates, etc. The man is to ALWAYS initiate while she sits on her fat little rear and has everything handed to her.

Sorry, I'm not buying it.

Hmmmmm. You've sure figured out a lot about OP from her saying very little. Regardless if she's attractive to you, she was once attractive to her husband. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She wants to sleep with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People always minimize their own impact on a situation, so ' I doubt you tried 3 or 4 times or only said no to sex when he initiated in the immediate post partum.
It's the 4th page now so people have probably forgotten, but way back on the first page you say he asked you for lingerie and a lap dance which you have decided not to do.
You seem to believe in the stereotype that you should just show up to bed, take of your shirt, give a BJ and that should be enough he should just be ready. Not always how it works.

I know you posted here to be validated by the sex starved men and the women who will just tell you are right just because you are female, but my diagnosis is you both share in this. It seems like the two of you are not willing to compromise and meet each other's needs it's all my way or the highway which is a death sentence to a happy healthy sex life and marriage.

I don't think she's nearly as attractive as she thinks she is. At first she mentions baby weight (always a red flag) but then claims she's 5-5/110 . I, like you, believe that OP's the type of woman who sits on her rear and never lifts a finger for anything: sex, dinner, dates, etc. The man is to ALWAYS initiate while she sits on her fat little rear and has everything handed to her.

Sorry, I'm not buying it.

Hmmmmm. You've sure figured out a lot about OP from her saying very little. Regardless if she's attractive to you, she was once attractive to her husband. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She wants to sleep with her husband.

Thanks PP for defending me it seems like after 4-5 pages the threads often take a more aggressive route... I tried to explain to other nice posters who made constructive suggestions (such as "did I reject him before etc..") that I was indeed probably a very average lover, not a lazy starfish, but not a sex goddess for sure. I am enthusiastic, open and willing to have sex. Sure, that's not much, but as a rule of thumb if he was just as average as me we would have no problem having sex 2 or 3 times a week because our simple goodnight cuddle would effortlessly evolve into sex. I am sure most people would understand what I mean, it doesn't have to start with a lap dance, step by step you feel the desire growing, you each do a tiny move, and one tiny move after the other, the gentle back stroke has transformed into a very clear sexual caress..

As for the reality of my attractiveness...This is an anonymous forum so I am not sure it makes sense to try to respond. I may be delusional and overestimate myself, (although t I don't think I actually wrote that I was very attractive?). I am actually in a weird position where I regularly change my mind, I feel ugly and unattractive in front of my husband and way more attractive outside of my home. I am really 5"5 and 110 pds, if that matters, I say impact of child birth because my belly is not as thin as before, my boobs not as perky and my face has lost the "baby" fat that makes women look less than30. But in all objectivity I can see from men's reaction that I am probably attractive enough.

But as previous PP said, what I pretend about my level of attractiveness or what it really is doesn't actually matter. What matters is that He used to find me pretty, he still says he does. But he doesn't even really look at me that way. Case in point,I used to avoid getting casually undressed in front of him, before you jump on my back what I mean Is I wouldn't just go about my business as if he wasn't there because I wanted my body to look good, so either I am undressing for him and I do it well, or if it is in a rush after the shower, I don't just walk around with half an ugly bra on while brushing my teeth and trying to give the bottle to a toddler. Just trying to keep some mystery and glamour basically. Anyway, long story short: I changed my strategy and decided to spend more time casually naked. Walking around the room. And he doesn't look. He doesn't even raise his head. That's when I got depressed .. I look at him when he is naked or half naked, and I like looking at him. His formerly well defined torso is now a melted dad bod and I still find pleasure stealing a look.

I am wondering if it is because he is seeing me as mostly a mother now (and seeing me giving birth, I told him not to look but he insisted ), that has killed all sexual interest for me

Lastly : apologies in advance for the Approximate English, I am a foreigner (no cultural implication for him though, he is American and FWIW I am a European)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hmmm.... doesn't he even have early morning erections? Can't you make your move then? If he doesn't, it is a medical problem...

Op here : thanks good point,that's what I read and that's what I wanted to test again. I actually asked him a few moths ao so ith that same argument "if you don't have one it means something is wrong", he mumbled something about yes of course ( but the tone was very unconvincing, and he sounded preoccupied, I didnt really buy it) and added that the problem was that he was never waking up when he actually felt rested.

One question I have: do you guys think that the fact that we used to make love mostly in the mornings (not always but I d say at least 60/70% of the time) is a red flag? Now that I think about it I wonder if he was not already just riding that easy mechanical erection instead of feeling real desire for me

Question to men more specifically: is that morning erection/morning desire of a different nature ? What's the differemce ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmmm.... doesn't he even have early morning erections? Can't you make your move then? If he doesn't, it is a medical problem...

Op here : thanks good point,that's what I read and that's what I wanted to test again. I actually asked him a few moths ao so ith that same argument "if you don't have one it means something is wrong", he mumbled something about yes of course ( but the tone was very unconvincing, and he sounded preoccupied, I didnt really buy it) and added that the problem was that he was never waking up when he actually felt rested.

One question I have: do you guys think that the fact that we used to make love mostly in the mornings (not always but I d say at least 60/70% of the time) is a red flag? Now that I think about it I wonder if he was not already just riding that easy mechanical erection instead of feeling real desire for me

Question to men more specifically: is that morning erection/morning desire of a different nature ? What's the differemce ?

Only you know whether your DH suffers from ED. Sure sounds like it, though. Too much jerking off could be a factor.

[Anonymous]

OP you write a LOT in your posts - they are all quite long. I wonder do you talk the way you write? If so you might want to try talking less. Men don't like so much talking. I'm sorry (i am a female and i love talking!) but men are not good with all of the words. My exHusband would get this tortured look when I talked too much. Even my now husband who I know adores me would prefer a little less conversation. This is not the solution to your problem but maybe too much talking its just a little bit of a turn-off.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the club.

[Anonymous]

Sexless marriages - common, and apparently rising in number:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you write a LOT in your posts - they are all quite long. I wonder do you talk the way you write? If so you might want to try talking less. Men don't like so much talking. I'm sorry (i am a female and i love talking!) but men are not good with all of the words. My exHusband would get this tortured look when I talked too much. Even my now husband who I know adores me would prefer a little less conversation. This is not the solution to your problem but maybe too much talking its just a little bit of a turn-off.

HA that's what I love about DCUM, unexpected reality check thanks, OP here, you are right I probably drown him in too much details and explanations. This thread has reached its natural conclusion too. Thanks everyone for your help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmmm.... doesn't he even have early morning erections? Can't you make your move then? If he doesn't, it is a medical problem...

Op here : thanks good point,that's what I read and that's what I wanted to test again. I actually asked him a few moths ao so ith that same argument "if you don't have one it means something is wrong", he mumbled something about yes of course ( but the tone was very unconvincing, and he sounded preoccupied, I didnt really buy it) and added that the problem was that he was never waking up when he actually felt rested.

One question I have: do you guys think that the fact that we used to make love mostly in the mornings (not always but I d say at least 60/70% of the time) is a red flag? Now that I think about it I wonder if he was not already just riding that easy mechanical erection instead of feeling real desire for me

Question to men more specifically: is that morning erection/morning desire of a different nature ? What's the differemce ?

"Circadian rhythms can have an impact on many bodily functions, and testosterone levels are no exception. Normally, they are highest in the morning, usually at about 8 a.m. A man's testosterone levels then decline throughout the rest of the day, reaching a low point before bedtime--the theory being that he does not need testosterone while he sleeps. The day's events can change this pattern, however."

"Harvard Medical School notes that while circadian rhythms and social challenges can raise testosterone, the effect is somewhat more limited in men with significant body fat, especially fat located at the abdomen."

"“It's like a stop sign to blood flow, but as you enter REM sleep, norepinephrine decreases and testosterone-related actions are now able to take place. This leads to vasodilation, or increased blood flow to the blood vessels, ultimately causing an erection,” says ASAP Science. During the sleep cycle, the extra blood increases oxygenation as it serves as a system of repair and helps to maintain functionality. Morning wood is just a remnant of REM sleep, which is why men wake up to erections."