Approaching one year without sex with DH ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

I find this incredibly insightful. Plainly-written and straight-forward. Men attempting to answer this question on this site either focus on the question of "are you hot?" and the female posters always seem to recommend outsourcing household chores. This PP identifies how the dynamic may have began and what allows it to endure. Thanks for posing, PP. I get it.

It may provide a better starting point for the inevitable, long-overdue conversation. Looking appealing and passively waiting for DH to initiate would look like a dangerous situation to a DH who regularly got turned down at the start of that year-long period. He may be expecting the rejection, shaming, or hostility that characterized life before she got her libido back. Whatever the case, "I look particularly pretty today, why doesn't DH know to start with the sex," isn't a good strategy, OP. Take it a step further and let him know what you want. If you'd said you then snuggled up to him and started playing with the hair on his legs and he STILL didn't make a move,...wow. You were sitting on the sofa next to him. That doesn't say "I want sex." It could simply be "well, the dishes are done." or "Hey, I know this movie."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

I find this incredibly insightful. Plainly-written and straight-forward. Men attempting to answer this question on this site either focus on the question of "are you hot?" and the female posters always seem to recommend outsourcing household chores. This PP identifies how the dynamic may have began and what allows it to endure. Thanks for posing, PP. I get it.

It may provide a better starting point for the inevitable, long-overdue conversation. Looking appealing and passively waiting for DH to initiate would look like a dangerous situation to a DH who regularly got turned down at the start of that year-long period. He may be expecting the rejection, shaming, or hostility that characterized life before she got her libido back. Whatever the case, "I look particularly pretty today, why doesn't DH know to start with the sex," isn't a good strategy, OP. Take it a step further and let him know what you want. If you'd said you then snuggled up to him and started playing with the hair on his legs and he STILL didn't make a move,...wow. You were sitting on the sofa next to him. That doesn't say "I want sex." It could simply be "well, the dishes are done." or "Hey, I know this movie."

OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A young man cannot go a year without sex...he will literally explode.

He's sleeping with somebody else or something is seriously wrong with him.

While some women might legitimately be too tired for sex, that's never the case for men.

Op here: I guess something is wrong with him I am 100% sure he is not cheating

[Anonymous]

He's gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post seems very focused on yourself and what you look like. I understand you may have been trying to avoid the typical dcum responses of "you let yourself go which is why your husband doesn't want you."

However, you still come across as very focused on your looks and how your husband should want you. You don't say anything about wanting to please your husband or what he looks like.

This reminds me of my own spouse. He is very focused on himself, including when in bed. It's a turnoff. Even this morning his move to try and get me to have sex was to tell me he has a hard penis and look at it. Nothing about me.

OP here, you are right in the sense that my post was very self centered and my approach to this issue is surely wrong: I see men as naturally willing to have sex and the key first step in that context as whether or not I am desirable. I dont think of myself as overly self centered in bed, I am not a starfish, I like to give Bj, I am enthusiastic. I tell him whenever I find him good looking or attractive. But indeed I am probably a very average lover, I am open minded but not very creative myself..

And You definitely strike a chord when you talk about wanting to please him, my problem is not that I don't want to, it is that I don't know what he likes. Writing this down is scary I have had a few lovers in my life, and it is crazy to realize that the man I chose to marry is close to being the one I sexually understand the least.. What a mess..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

[Anonymous]

First rule of a good marriage - - go to bed together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

OP again: and also deep down because I think him blaming it on me is a way to burry the problem. I think he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. As others have said, it is not normal for a relatively young man to need so little sex. I don't think he is gay. I have a decent gaydar and I have really never gotten the tiniest flag. My bet is on a biological issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First rule of a good marriage - - go to bed together

We do usually .. We are very good at reading great novels side by side and talking well about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

OP again: and also deep down because I think him blaming it on me is a way to burry the problem. I think he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. As others have said, it is not normal for a relatively young man to need so little sex. I don't think he is gay. I have a decent gaydar and I have really never gotten the tiniest flag. My bet is on a biological issue

I wouldn't count out him being gay, gaydar or not.

[Anonymous]

Touch yourself! Handle it on your own.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP male who has been rejected by my wife for years and gave you three thoughts as to what may be going on. My advice doesn't apply to your husband. Something is off about him. Even when I may have recently drained the pipes or I have some resentment, I still enjoy the physical touching. Plus, unlike my wife, you are actually initiating here.

You are doing more than your part. Your husband may be gay or he may be asexual. Or some hangup. I don't think normal men on these boards will help you with insight - he is unique.

At some point, you are going to have to have the painful conversation with him. Otherwise, you will end up either divorced, miserable, or in bed cheating with a man like me (we would have an amazing time )

[Anonymous]

He could be gay but it's also possible he's really into porn and got used to the quick and easy release it provides.

[Anonymous]

DW here. 45, no sex in 5+, maybe even 8 years. Rejection hurts so much. My DH is either gay, asexual or addicted to porn. Looking back sex was always so-so. I won't leave after 15+ years and 3 kids, but I do masturbate every morning. I don't care if he knows- he's usually "sleeping"

At some point I'll probably find a friend and become lovers. I get hit on often, I'm very sexual, I need to be touched - even non sexually would be fine.

I imagine we'll always stay married, but I don't think my marriage vows were meant to include forced celibacy.

I've expressed my concerns about no sex every way possible. He does not care. I've asked for an open marriage and he looked "hurt", really? Are u kidding me! His reply was that if it was something I really wanted to do and thought was right, he wouldn't care as long as not someone he knows. I haven't acted, because it was more of a cry for help, but his reply told me all that I needed to know.

I have no advice, just know that there are many attractive DWs in sexless marriages. And it sucks!