Approaching one year without sex with DH ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you write a LOT in your posts - they are all quite long. I wonder do you talk the way you write? If so you might want to try talking less. Men don't like so much talking. I'm sorry (i am a female and i love talking!) but men are not good with all of the words. My exHusband would get this tortured look when I talked too much. Even my now husband who I know adores me would prefer a little less conversation. This is not the solution to your problem but maybe too much talking its just a little bit of a turn-off.

HA that's what I love about DCUM, unexpected reality check thanks, OP here, you are right I probably drown him in too much details and explanations. This thread has reached its natural conclusion too. Thanks everyone for your help

Wait a minute OP. You write all of this, ask questions, then say, convo is over? Get your butt back in here to read answers you asked questions too.

Ok, yes, I did just post some answers and want validation for the effort. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexless marriages - common, and apparently rising in number:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4

In other news, affairs in the rise?

Seriously, if you aren't banging, there's no reason. Marriage is more than sex, but it's a very critical part and helps bonding. Without it, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

It's ironic when I hear women complain that their husbands want sex from them all the time.

My opinion, you should worry when he isn't trying to have sex with you. Mainly because it's leading to a bigger problem. Medical, depression issues. Possible getting it elsewhere. He no longer feels connected to his wife so doesn't bother engaging sexually, finds you unattractive. All of those are deal breakers.

[Anonymous]

I think you deserve some side piece OP. I've stayed faithful in my sexless marriage but the next guy who looks at me I'm getting some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am wondering if it is because he is seeing me as mostly a mother now (and seeing me giving birth, I told him not to look but he insisted ), that has killed all sexual interest for me

To OP: you tossed in this detail near the end of the last page (5?) and it might be pertinent. There was a fairly recent thread, a couple of weeks ago, launched by a man who had lost all sexual desire for his wife after witnessing her birth canal. He just could not shake the image. He was either seeing other women or planning to because he just could not fathom putting his equipment in the (temporarily) huge opening through which he had watched a baby emerge. Everyone was telling him to get over it but he couldn't. If that was your DH or someone like him, lingerie and little come-ons won't solve the problem. If he doesn't look at you, maybe he is mired in that image and actively avoiding you.

That DH would never tell his wife what the real problem was, the birthing image. Just stopped having sex with no intention of resuming.

Your thread now feels like the companion to that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmmm.... doesn't he even have early morning erections? Can't you make your move then? If he doesn't, it is a medical problem...

Op here : thanks good point,that's what I read and that's what I wanted to test again. I actually asked him a few moths ao so ith that same argument "if you don't have one it means something is wrong", he mumbled something about yes of course ( but the tone was very unconvincing, and he sounded preoccupied, I didnt really buy it) and added that the problem was that he was never waking up when he actually felt rested.

One question I have: do you guys think that the fact that we used to make love mostly in the mornings (not always but I d say at least 60/70% of the time) is a red flag? Now that I think about it I wonder if he was not already just riding that easy mechanical erection instead of feeling real desire for me

Question to men more specifically: is that morning erection/morning desire of a different nature ? What's the differemce ?

"Circadian rhythms can have an impact on many bodily functions, and testosterone levels are no exception. Normally, they are highest in the morning, usually at about 8 a.m. A man's testosterone levels then decline throughout the rest of the day, reaching a low point before bedtime--the theory being that he does not need testosterone while he sleeps. The day's events can change this pattern, however."

"Harvard Medical School notes that while circadian rhythms and social challenges can raise testosterone, the effect is somewhat more limited in men with significant body fat, especially fat located at the abdomen."

"“It's like a stop sign to blood flow, but as you enter REM sleep, norepinephrine decreases and testosterone-related actions are now able to take place. This leads to vasodilation, or increased blood flow to the blood vessels, ultimately causing an erection,” says ASAP Science. During the sleep cycle, the extra blood increases oxygenation as it serves as a system of repair and helps to maintain functionality. Morning wood is just a remnant of REM sleep, which is why men wake up to erections."

OP here: Thanks for the science, it does sound very mechanical and not a symptom of regular libido/desire. (What I mean is if my DH only finds the desire to have sex with me in the morning it may be that either he has a hormonal issue or that he is has very little attraction for me per se and needs to use a "mechanical" erection to find some level of desire )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you write a LOT in your posts - they are all quite long. I wonder do you talk the way you write? If so you might want to try talking less. Men don't like so much talking. I'm sorry (i am a female and i love talking!) but men are not good with all of the words. My exHusband would get this tortured look when I talked too much. Even my now husband who I know adores me would prefer a little less conversation. This is not the solution to your problem but maybe too much talking its just a little bit of a turn-off.

HA that's what I love about DCUM, unexpected reality check thanks, OP here, you are right I probably drown him in too much details and explanations. This thread has reached its natural conclusion too. Thanks everyone for your help

Wait a minute OP. You write all of this, ask questions, then say, convo is over? Get your butt back in here to read answers you asked questions too.

Ok, yes, I did just post some answers and want validation for the effort. LOL

Sorry , will go back and validate efforts! I do appreciate all the replies even if I didn't specifically replied to all of them ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am wondering if it is because he is seeing me as mostly a mother now (and seeing me giving birth, I told him not to look but he insisted ), that has killed all sexual interest for me

To OP: you tossed in this detail near the end of the last page (5?) and it might be pertinent. There was a fairly recent thread, a couple of weeks ago, launched by a man who had lost all sexual desire for his wife after witnessing her birth canal. He just could not shake the image. He was either seeing other women or planning to because he just could not fathom putting his equipment in the (temporarily) huge opening through which he had watched a baby emerge. Everyone was telling him to get over it but he couldn't. If that was your DH or someone like him, lingerie and little come-ons won't solve the problem. If he doesn't look at you, maybe he is mired in that image and actively avoiding you.

That DH would never tell his wife what the real problem was, the birthing image. Just stopped having sex with no intention of resuming.

Your thread now feels like the companion to that one.

I know, but it is the thread that made me think about it. As a lot of people are thinking about cheating/gay options and I am quite convinced those 2 are not the reason I am looking somewhere else. I'll go look at that thread, but if I was a man I could really understand that feeling.

Linked to that, I also always wanted more "kinky" sex than him I think, he is more romantic than me and cannot go for things that could sound "disrespectful" in the bedroom. And I suspect that it is a bit difficult for him to have the mother/wife/"whore" in the same person (not accusing him of ever wanted to pay for sex, that's really not his type).

So I add birthing vision as paths to explore with the couple therapist...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you deserve some side piece OP. I've stayed faithful in my sexless marriage but the next guy who looks at me I'm getting some.

Several posters have mentioned this, replying to all at once. Yup, I agree, there is no way I sign up for sexless life without a fight, I am too young. Our last child will be 2 yo in the coming weeks, this is it, no more "too exhausted to function excuse", options:

1- it is a medical issue, we work hard on finding the cause and curing it
2 - it is just a serious bad dynamic, miscommunication issue and with therapist, hard work and tricks (scheduled sex, better understanding of each other's fantasies, games, porn, role play whatever ..) we can get back on track
3- there is deep down a serious blockage that cannot be solved and is not linked to his overall libido but his sexual desire for me and me only (ie. He could have sex with someone else). I am afraid that will lead to divorce after a year or 2 of exhausting all the therapeutic work available. I can co-parent with him as a friend, he doesn't need to have the "husband" title
4- there is deep down a serious blockage that cannot be solved, either physical or mental that prevents him from having any libido (ie it is not me, he wouldn't be able to have sex with anybody). I ask for a hall pass and we see if we can live happily like that (I have serious doubts but willing to try to save my marriage as I love him)

The option that is not an option : I can't deal at 35 to stay faithfully married to someone who has no desire for me. We have only one short life on this planet...