Approaching one year without sex with DH ...

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I've been in your shoes and it's absolutely awful. Long term sexual rejection is one of the most horrible things you can do to someone.

With my ex, I suspect it was a combination of low testosterone, depression, a ton of porn, and an overall unhealthy lifestyle. I tried very hard to get him to see a dr and go to therapy but he refused, until I finally had enough and checked out. Then he wanted to work on it, but it was too late for me by then.

Unfortunately I think with this issue you just have to put your foot down and demand he see a doctor and/or go to therapy to sort this out. My ex used to always promise he would try and things would get better, but they never did.

Is there an underlying medical issue that could be causing it? Is your husband active and in decent shape? Any chance he's using a lot of porn? I've had several friends whose significant others lost interest in sex with them because of porn.

[Anonymous]

sounds like the guy just isn't attracted to you anymore. But it's odd he is so passive. I mean, he could always fantasize it's with someone else. Ask for a hall pass.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're the husband in the relationship.

Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post seems very focused on yourself and what you look like. I understand you may have been trying to avoid the typical dcum responses of "you let yourself go which is why your husband doesn't want you."

However, you still come across as very focused on your looks and how your husband should want you. You don't say anything about wanting to please your husband or what he looks like.

This reminds me of my own spouse. He is very focused on himself, including when in bed. It's a turnoff. Even this morning his move to try and get me to have sex was to tell me he has a hard penis and look at it. Nothing about me.

As a man, I have to say your view of what men want is clouded by your gender. She sounds like a dream. And yes we love hot women. She wouldn't have to do ANYTHING for me. Her desire alone would turn my dick into a rocket in seconds.

[Anonymous]

At some point, you are going to have to have the painful conversation with him. Otherwise, you will end up either divorced, miserable, or in bed cheating with a man like me (we would have an amazing time )

I agree (except I'm a woman and not interested in having sex with you ) Long story short, DH and I are in our 50s. He isn't able to get an erection even with medication. When he was on depression medication that interfered with our sex life, I willingly accepted it. Small price to pay for a healthy DH. But, he's not on those meds any more. He began rebuffing me. After a while, the loss of physical affection took it's toll on me and our marriage. I couldn't imagine living the next decades without physical affection. We argued a lot about it, he finally admitted he couldn't get an erection even though he wasn't on anti-depressants and Viagra/Cialis hadn't helped. We ended up in counseling because, as I said above, I could have a happy marriage without intercourse, but I couldn't without affection.

It was extremely difficult for DH to talk about his performance issues (you can imagine). But, with his marriage on the line, he did. We both have a better understanding of the issues and the support each of us needs to navigate them. Unless you have the painful conversation with your husband, you'll never know. Without that knowledge, you won't really be able to make good choices for yourself. You need to know WHY and your husband needs to know how this issues threatens your relationship. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post seems very focused on yourself and what you look like. I understand you may have been trying to avoid the typical dcum responses of "you let yourself go which is why your husband doesn't want you."

However, you still come across as very focused on your looks and how your husband should want you. You don't say anything about wanting to please your husband or what he looks like.

This reminds me of my own spouse. He is very focused on himself, including when in bed. It's a turnoff. Even this morning his move to try and get me to have sex was to tell me he has a hard penis and look at it. Nothing about me.

As a man, I have to say your view of what men want is clouded by your gender. She sounds like a dream. And yes we love hot women. She wouldn't have to do ANYTHING for me. Her desire alone would turn my dick into a rocket in seconds.

No, it's clouded by my experimence with my husband, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

People always minimize their own impact on a situation, so ' I doubt you tried 3 or 4 times or only said no to sex when he initiated in the immediate post partum.
It's the 4th page now so people have probably forgotten, but way back on the first page you say he asked you for lingerie and a lap dance which you have decided not to do.
You seem to believe in the stereotype that you should just show up to bed, take of your shirt, give a BJ and that should be enough he should just be ready. Not always how it works.
I know you posted here to be validated by the sex starved men and the women who will just tell you are right just because you are female, but my diagnosis is you both share in this. It seems like the two of you are not willing to compromise and meet each other's needs it's all my way or the highway which is a death sentence to a happy healthy sex life and marriage.

[Anonymous]

It's not you - the problem lies with him some husbands just have no desire for sex with their wives - it's problem and not easily solved sorry OP

[Anonymous]

Hey, Dave...we need to talk.

We are coming up on one year without sex. We need to talk about this. I love you and I am committed to our marriage and making things work. But I need to know that you are, too. So let's figure out what the issue is and try to fix it together.

Try that, and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

People always minimize their own impact on a situation, so ' I doubt you tried 3 or 4 times or only said no to sex when he initiated in the immediate post partum.
It's the 4th page now so people have probably forgotten, but way back on the first page you say he asked you for lingerie and a lap dance which you have decided not to do.
You seem to believe in the stereotype that you should just show up to bed, take of your shirt, give a BJ and that should be enough he should just be ready. Not always how it works.
I know you posted here to be validated by the sex starved men and the women who will just tell you are right just because you are female, but my diagnosis is you both share in this. It seems like the two of you are not willing to compromise and meet each other's needs it's all my way or the highway which is a death sentence to a happy healthy sex life and marriage.

I am sure you are right that I play a role in this, I don't know how to be sexually attractive for him and I am too used to my 20s when just showing up was more than enough. I get that I shouldn't expect it to be the case. For the record though, I never once pushed him back, that's not my story. Even post Partum I didn't push him back, I didn't initiate, that's different.

I did change my lingerie as a result, the specific lap dance issue though is because that's not what I find exciting, I find lap dance ridiculous I just want to laugh. I'd love to please him but seriously this one is off the table, also because he wouldn't look at me in a way that would help me role play. Very hard to explain, again not a prude or particularly lazy,I could see myself doing it for one of my ex who wouldn't make me feel ridiculous in that context (and no I don't want my ex, just a different sexual animal that I am using as an ex.) but for a lot of other men its hard to do without feeling self conscious.

Bottom line for me regarding your message is that I agree with you that I could try to understand his fantasies more (not that he is trying to understand mine but someone has to start ), I will work on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, Dave...we need to talk.

We are coming up on one year without sex. We need to talk about this. I love you and I am committed to our marriage and making things work. But I need to know that you are, too. So let's figure out what the issue is and try to fix it together.

Try that, and report back.

Thanks, I tried it before and got the "sorry you are super attractive I am just exhausted, it will be better soon" but will try again this week. We need to fix this.. FWIW he used to be more of a morning sex person and with kids waking up before us that's gone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I've been in your shoes and it's absolutely awful. Long term sexual rejection is one of the most horrible things you can do to someone.

With my ex, I suspect it was a combination of low testosterone, depression, a ton of porn, and an overall unhealthy lifestyle. I tried very hard to get him to see a dr and go to therapy but he refused, until I finally had enough and checked out. Then he wanted to work on it, but it was too late for me by then.

Unfortunately I think with this issue you just have to put your foot down and demand he see a doctor and/or go to therapy to sort this out. My ex used to always promise he would try and things would get better, but they never did.

Is there an underlying medical issue that could be causing it? Is your husband active and in decent shape? Any chance he's using a lot of porn? I've had several friends whose significant others lost interest in sex with them because of porn.

Thank you and sorry to hear I didn't work out with your ex I really love my DH and I know he loves me too, he is emotionally engaged, considerate and cuddly. He seems exhausted/ overwhelmed by daily grind with 2 babies and maybe I didn't notice that he is a bit depressed, If he was a woman I wouldn't be surprised that he doesn't want sex, it would be very "average" if not normal. But for a man I know most guys however tired they still want some action in the bedroom..

We got his T tested, I understood it was normal. He is overall physically active, tall lanky style but he goes running, exercise regularly. We both think he is not at the top of his shape though (he used to be well defined athletic, now muscle mass has melted a lot and he is tired often). He looks a bit like his energy is not circulating well, always cold fo ex...

[Anonymous]

Maybe his thyroid is a bit underactive, and he's very sensitive to that. That can make you feel tired, cold, and kill your sex drive. Has that been tested (thoroughly)?

I get the being exhausted and overwhelmed with babies and work, but most men can be 3/4 dead and still get an erection and be willing.

I've seen a lot of men lately having trouble with erections and being with their wives/girlfriends because they're desensitized by masturbating to the extreme stimulus of porn.

Any chance your husband is struggling with sexual orientation issues? He could totally adore you, but just not be that into sex with women. Seen that enough times, too.

And you feel sure there's no other woman?

Guys can really freak out if they have any problems with erectile function, where they get so wrapped up in worrying whether it's going to work that they start avoiding sexual situations. What helps with that is having a partner who doesn't take it personally, who takes off all pressure.

Maybe what needs to happen is that the two of you get away together. If he doesn't want sex, with rest, away from the babies, then it's not just that everyday life is too tiring and overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

HE'S BORED

[Anonymous]

Could be a thyroid issue. Just have the doctor rule it out.

You two need to get a babysitter to come at noon on a Saturday - go out, have a drink or two, relax together. Have baby sitter put kids to bed, then have sex around 9pm before its too late. He will know its coming in advance so he can refrain from emptying his own tank if that is the problem.

I doubt he needs a lap dance to get warmed up but perhaps he does need foreplay and can't transition to sex immediately. Yes, most men, myself included, can get a sight of a naked woman, a crotch grab, whatever, and be ready to roll. He is different.

Finally, can you watch porn with him? Perhaps he has a fetish that he is embarrassed about you can explore that way.