Approaching one year without sex with DH ...

[Anonymous]

FWIW, when I was 35 and hot and my now exDH didn't want to have sex with me, it was because he was a terrible communicator with anger issues (passive aggressive), and had built up all kinds of resentments against me that he hadn't expressed. And also was starting to get depressed. When I found out later what was going on (after I made him go to marriage therapy), it all clicked. But at the time, it was super hard on my self esteem - I felt like I was so unattractive and terrible at sex for him want me. So, yeah, it's not you and you need to get him to talk.

[Anonymous]

That would be "for him NOT to want me."

[Anonymous]

Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

All the sex-starved men are loving this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

One thought/solution that does work for us - schedule sex. He can be ready, you can be ready. Schedule for a time when you know there will be no interruptions or excuses. It's not romantic but it is a stepping stone for rebuilding. Keep expectations low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

All the sex-starved men are loving this...

+1. I can't even remember the last time my DW was on the couch, boobs out, legs rubbing up against me... *sigh*

[Anonymous]

A young man cannot go a year without sex...he will literally explode.

He's sleeping with somebody else or something is seriously wrong with him.

While some women might legitimately be too tired for sex, that's never the case for men.

[Anonymous]

Op try this infront him on one of date nights.
https://youtu.be/scYcP-E_MHM
I took a chair dancing class just for fun, for myself and learned some few tricks. I was surprised by how many other professionals were in that classes, doctors, lawyers, execs etc . They're some fun videos on YouTube watch it, wear something sexy, play some good music, and dance. I am assuming you are not too shy.

[Anonymous]

Guy here: One partner is always lower or higher drive than the other. My wife and I have an agreement to have sex every Sunday, no matter what. So we're both in sync that the kid has to stay on schedule and get to bed on time. We also try to have sex 1-2 other times during the week if we're not too tired and can make it work. This system hasn't always been perfect but neither of us has gone without sex more than 1.5 weeks in the last 10 years. Sometimes the sex just meets the need (orgasms and closeness) and other times its so good I daydream about it until the next time.

Sit down with him and have a talk. Put a stake in the ground for Sunday nights. It can be your night where you make dinner, get the kids to bed early, watch whatever TV series you're into together, drink some wine, connect and have sex.

[Anonymous]

Woman here: in my last marriage I did not have sex for 2 years. the four years of marriage before that I was always the one to initiate, and someone's would get turned down. I waited to see how long my DH could go without sex and it was seemingly indefinite.

I am happily remarried now and having sex 4-10 times a week.

Seriously, looking back I don't know how I went that long. Your situation sounds similar to mine as we also met while in grad school, also both worked FT, also had two young kids...... BUT I think in my case my DH was closet gay.... I think once he had the family he wanted he just stopped having sex after our second child and pretending to want it. I think that he maybe wasn't self-aware of his orientation. I think there are many men out there in DC who are like this and have straight marriages if they care about having a traditional "perfect" family, care more about image than reality, and desire to be accepted by church and family.

Op I am sorry but sexless marriage is no way to live. I was also in my mid 30s, 120 lbs and tall with curves and also got appreciative looks as you put it so delicately, and would also lie naked in bed next tons partner who would simply.... Fall asleep.

[Anonymous]

Dead bedroom. This is quite serious. Maybe it takes him longer to get aroused at his age, and he needs more than just visual stimulation. Maybe he thinks you want to get pregnant again. Maybe he uses a death grip on himself when he pleasures himself. Maybe he watches too much porn. Maybe he just paid to have a lap dance at a strip club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, [b]even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

+1. I went through a period with my husband where we infrequently had sex because of his drinking. Now he's sober and he occasionally wants to have sex. The problem is that I no longer view him sexually. I went years not having my needs met by him and he trained me that I can't turn to him for sex. Even now he only wants sex to please himself. Whenever he wants sex he wants it NOW. But it's always on his terms. I have a lot of issues with him sexually and I only have sex with him when I really have to.

[Anonymous]

Your post seems very focused on yourself and what you look like. I understand you may have been trying to avoid the typical dcum responses of "you let yourself go which is why your husband doesn't want you."

However, you still come across as very focused on your looks and how your husband should want you. You don't say anything about wanting to please your husband or what he looks like.

This reminds me of my own spouse. He is very focused on himself, including when in bed. It's a turnoff. Even this morning his move to try and get me to have sex was to tell me he has a hard penis and look at it. Nothing about me.

[Anonymous]

Get a house cleaner. Get a baby sitter. Go on a date with your DH. Kiss him, hug him, hold hands. You have to initiate some physical affection and you have to give him verbal strokes. My DH and I had the same problem and I realized that I was a difficult wife to live with for him.

It was not sexual dysfunction. When a man feels that his wife is always finding faults with everything he cannot get it on. I changed, and then he changed gradually. I had to reach him emotionally before he became physically interested in me again. Sexually, it was important for my DH that I wanted him and liked doing certain sexual acts with him. It took a long time for him to reach a good place.

Frankly, a lot of his issues of not being very responsible around the house has not changed, but I learned to live with them and have outsourced all that I can. I felt that I could have used that money on couples therapy or on the household staff. I chose household staff. This works because he makes decent money, I have the energy and time to oversee things and he comes through for me for all other things.

Obviously, my solution will not be palatable to many women, so I am not advocating it for others. It worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A young man cannot go a year without sex...he will literally explode.

He's sleeping with somebody else or something is seriously wrong with him.

While some women might legitimately be too tired for sex, that's never the case for men.

This. Something is wrong. Either physically or emotionally or both. Try to reach him and open your ears - he might already be trying to tell you something. Forget the lap dance and parading - if being hot-looking and sexually available is not enough to arouse a man of ANY age, you have a serious problem in your relationship. Try to fix it. I've been where you are, I could have written your post myself 10 years ago. Hopefully you will make better choices than I did. Good luck.