Making my teen pay....

[Anonymous]

Although I paid for my own application fees, I wouldn't expect my child to do so especially for all 8 applications. The parking fee is fine though.

It sounds like you have already instilled good financial values and she is demonstrating them already. I don't see the lesson in making her pay for app fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you've done a good job instilling smart financial management, why punish her with making her pay for application fees if you can easily afford it? Isn't it a little late to be asking her to pay now, when applications are due in the next several months? Isn't the lesson you're trying to teach is to save up for things she wants, not spring a 1K bill on her for something that hadn't expected to pay? If she is being flighty and wants to apply to a dozen schools without even thinking about them, then yes, you pay for the first 8 applications and she pays for any extra. But unless she is changing her mind every week, wants to apply to all the same schools as her friends etc, it seems like a pretty harsh punishment to make her pay for these.

I think it's fine to have her pay the parking permit if she wants to bring a car on campus, and work out a budget where you pay for required things that you can afford and she pays for any extras. Let her focus on school work and getting establish in a new place without all the added stress. Basic clothes, you buy, fancy dress for a sorority party, that's on her.

You've done a good job so far, don't screw it up now!

Talking through her college application list is one thing. Of course one makes choices. But, I wouldn't conflate cost with opportunity. Penny wise, pound foolish? She should apply wherever it makes sense to do so. Having her pay for things once she's in college is fine. There will be loads of incidentals she'll want and pay for herself. But, this? I think you need to talk through her list and make sure it's robust. This just doesn't seem like a cost issue. You've already shown her that you support the prep courses. Paying the application fees is consistent with that. The parking pass is entirely on her, and that is a separate thing. The $100 sweatshirt, the cute necklace that all her dorm mates have, that night out in the city with new friends,...these too could be things she's responsible for, OP. One is not like the other.

She gets the point and so do we. Applications is not the place to teach the lesson she's already learned. If I were you, I'd also pay for textbooks. What's your stand there? Knowing that I could set her up at the college of her choice, I wouldn't want her to limit her courses to those with textbooks she could afford. That would be incredibly shortsighted.

[Anonymous]

So you paid for the sat course to get her a good score but now won't pay to enable her to apply to a good variety of schools that could enable her to attend a "reach" because she might not want to spend her own $ on the app fee?

Way to shoot yourself in the foot.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird that you're making her pay for applications. That might make her decide to not even apply to schools that would be great for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note that paying for the applications herself also means you have no legitimate say in where she applies. Are you prepared to be left out of that entirely?

OP here. I like the idea of setting a budget for applications - say $1000. That gives her at least 10 schools. What is a reasonable number - I think 9: 2-3 reach, 3 match and 3 safety. As far as my having a say, both her Mom and I have said her choice is exactly that - her choice. I still think she should pay for her HIGH SCHOOL parking pass.

Also, regarding school budget, I've said I guarantee that she can attend any Commonwealth of Virginia school "full ride," but if she wants OOS or private she'll have to cover the difference. I've not discouraged her from looking at privates and emphasized she needs to consider what merit FA they might have on offer. Her school list thus far includes UVA, W&M, JMU, Smith and Simmons. I'm not sure at this point what else she is considering.

Her driving to school saves you from driving her. You pay.

Is there not a school bus?

I would not pay for high school parking unless doing so somehow was a big benefit to me or the family. E.g., if the only way for DD to get to school was for someone to drive her, I might pay for parking to avoid having to drive her myself every day. Or if the only other way for DD to get to school was to spend an hour on the bus each way, and driving to school saved a lot of time, I might pay for parking to spare her the time. Or if the only other way for her to get to school was to take public transit that was actually more expensive than the parking pass, again, I might pay for the parking (assuming I would otherwise be paying for public transit).

But if there's no obvious benefit to anyone, and she just wants to drive to school, then no, I probably wouldn't pay for the pass. (And actually I prefer my kids *not* to drive to school, so driving would have to be a clear winner over other alternatives.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note that paying for the applications herself also means you have no legitimate say in where she applies. Are you prepared to be left out of that entirely?

OP here. I like the idea of setting a budget for applications - say $1000. That gives her at least 10 schools. What is a reasonable number - I think 9: 2-3 reach, 3 match and 3 safety. As far as my having a say, both her Mom and I have said her choice is exactly that - her choice. I still think she should pay for her HIGH SCHOOL parking pass.

Also, regarding school budget, I've said I guarantee that she can attend any Commonwealth of Virginia school "full ride," but if she wants OOS or private she'll have to cover the difference. I've not discouraged her from looking at privates and emphasized she needs to consider what merit FA they might have on offer. Her school list thus far includes UVA, W&M, JMU, Smith and Simmons. I'm not sure at this point what else she is considering.

Her driving to school saves you from driving her. You pay.

Is there not a school bus?

I would not pay for high school parking unless doing so somehow was a big benefit to me or the family. E.g., if the only way for DD to get to school was for someone to drive her, I might pay for parking to avoid having to drive her myself every day. Or if the only other way for DD to get to school was to spend an hour on the bus each way, and driving to school saved a lot of time, I might pay for parking to spare her the time. Or if the only other way for her to get to school was to take public transit that was actually more expensive than the parking pass, again, I might pay for the parking (assuming I would otherwise be paying for public transit).

But if there's no obvious benefit to anyone, and she just wants to drive to school, then no, I probably wouldn't pay for the pass. (And actually I prefer my kids *not* to drive to school, so driving would have to be a clear winner over other alternatives.)

We pupil placed her out of her base school, so no there is no school bus. Taking metro or the metro bus involves too much time as there is not a direct route to her school. She is 17 and fully capable of driving herself. I drove 34 miles to school round trip when I was her age. I'm sure she can handle six miles a day. Actually, DW should pay since she complains all the time about "having to drive" DD everywhere, when in point of fact it is her choice to do so. Me? I toss DD the car keys and tell her to drive safe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And for that there are scholarships and Mom and Dad. Wouldn't be nice if everything were just free? Oh, wait, as they say in Russia the only free cheese is in a mouse trap!

Way to completely miss the point...

[Anonymous]

What point? A college education is out there for anyone wh really wants it.

[Anonymous]

OP , Please recognize that you are using the golden rule to the extreme.

You have the money and you control what happens. My advice is that you are being for too cheap and that you are maybe only four years away from her not needing any of your money. My roommate in college had everything paid for by her very generous parents. That would be great except they would pull out "we pay for everything" anytime they had a chance. If they came to visit for the weekend (which they did when there was a football game) she was expected to do everything that they asked and never have plans or an opinion on anything. Literally one of her fathers favorite lines (which I heard a number of times) was "DD if I want to hear your opinion on something, I'll tell you what to think. Now know your place and hush". Her father used the same thing with her mother who for some reason was more than OK with it.

After graduation she had enough of her father and gradually cut him out of her life. It was very sad and highlighted that a one way relationship dictated by one person who has all the power has the potential to blow-up in the future.

Tread carefully and discuss this with your daughter. Listen to her and try to agree on a plan.

[Anonymous]

Ok so re: parking pass, do you mean in HS or college? If HS, its a bit late to tell her that you force her to pay for something that costs $200 next week, yes? If college, how do you know what parking costs if she hasn't even applied, let alone gotten in?

I also think that it is a bit late in the game to have her pay for all of her own application fees. You should have had this conversation w/her before she started her summer job so that she would know that she was expected to save part of her income, and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP , Please recognize that you are using the golden rule to the extreme.

You have the money and you control what happens. My advice is that you are being for too cheap and that you are maybe only four years away from her not needing any of your money. My roommate in college had everything paid for by her very generous parents. That would be great except they would pull out "we pay for everything" anytime they had a chance. If they came to visit for the weekend (which they did when there was a football game) she was expected to do everything that they asked and never have plans or an opinion on anything. Literally one of her fathers favorite lines (which I heard a number of times) was "DD if I want to hear your opinion on something, I'll tell you what to think. Now know your place and hush". Her father used the same thing with her mother who for some reason was more than OK with it.

After graduation she had enough of her father and gradually cut him out of her life. It was very sad and highlighted that a one way relationship dictated by one person who has all the power has the potential to blow-up in the future.

Tread carefully and discuss this with your daughter. Listen to her and try to agree on a plan.

Just wanted to mention that most parents who pay for everything are NOT like your roommate's father. Sounds like that was one very extreme example, and that he was an incredible bully who no one would stand up to.

My parents very generously paid for everything for me through college, and I never forgot how kind that was. They certainly never tried to control me by virtue of holding the financial reins. On the contrary, they were always urging me to try new things, study abroad, etc. I graduated with no debt and a very clear sense of wanting to do the same for my own future kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP , Please recognize that you are using the golden rule to the extreme.

You have the money and you control what happens. My advice is that you are being for too cheap and that you are maybe only four years away from her not needing any of your money. My roommate in college had everything paid for by her very generous parents. That would be great except they would pull out "we pay for everything" anytime they had a chance. If they came to visit for the weekend (which they did when there was a football game) she was expected to do everything that they asked and never have plans or an opinion on anything. Literally one of her fathers favorite lines (which I heard a number of times) was "DD if I want to hear your opinion on something, I'll tell you what to think. Now know your place and hush". Her father used the same thing with her mother who for some reason was more than OK with it.

After graduation she had enough of her father and gradually cut him out of her life. It was very sad and highlighted that a one way relationship dictated by one person who has all the power has the potential to blow-up in the future.

Tread carefully and discuss this with your daughter. Listen to her and try to agree on a plan.

NP. My father behaved very similarly with regard to $ meaning total control. I worked as hard as I could to get a full-ride merit scholarship for undergrad, but even with school costs 100% paid by my efforts he was still supporting me on breaks/in summers/with non-school expenses such as medical insurance. Therefore, he exercised almost total control over my college major selection, courses, activities, summer plans, and to some extent even my friendships... with the understanding that *if* I wanted to be welcome as a member of the family when school was not in session, this was how it would be because he was still investing his hard-earned $ in me and had a vested interest in seeing that turn out well. I can see his point, but I have to say it also felt somewhat unfair and ended up fairly severely altering my choices from what they otherwise would have been. Due to some health issues I wasn't able to take on enough hours at work to afford to completely support myself, so I put up with this. Until the day I didn't have to, when I got a full-time job that started 2 weeks after college graduation and managed to budget to totally support myself. Once I no longer needed him, I limited contact with both of my parents fairly severely for years so that I could finally live my own life.

I know this might be somewhat extreme, but I submit it as a cautionary tale for OP to consider the way that money might or might not tie into power & control in his relationship with his daughter and make sure it's playing the role he intends it to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note that paying for the applications herself also means you have no legitimate say in where she applies. Are you prepared to be left out of that entirely?

OP here. I like the idea of setting a budget for applications - say $1000. That gives her at least 10 schools. What is a reasonable number - I think 9: 2-3 reach, 3 match and 3 safety. As far as my having a say, both her Mom and I have said her choice is exactly that - her choice. I still think she should pay for her HIGH SCHOOL parking pass.

Also, regarding school budget, I've said I guarantee that she can attend any Commonwealth of Virginia school "full ride," but if she wants OOS or private she'll have to cover the difference. I've not discouraged her from looking at privates and emphasized she needs to consider what merit FA they might have on offer. Her school list thus far includes UVA, W&M, JMU, Smith and Simmons. I'm not sure at this point what else she is considering.

So she's paying the application fees to places like Smith and she has nearly no chance of attending because she'll have to pay cover the difference between a Virginia school and a private school. Her financial aid is based on your income and if you have as much money as you say you do, she'll never qualify for much, if any, financial aid. You do understand that, right?

I agree with the PPs. I am so glad you aren't my father. You are very weird.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand why you are trying to put your daughter at a disadvantage in life by limiting her college choices to state colleges when you have the means to pay for the most elite ones.
It does matter where the degree is from in terms of future opportunities, connections made in college, and quality of education. Don't you want your child's opportunities to be only limited by her talent and her willingness to work hard? Why are you limiting them even further? Shouldn't your daughter go to the best college she can get into?
I did, when I was fresh off the boat immigrant, and it is incongruous to me why a parent would deny his child this opportunity.

Are you going to take your millions to the grave with you or invest in the future of your progeny

[Anonymous]

Also don't forget that when you are old and dependent on others ( let's face it your daughter is dependent on you to pay for college; colleges expect parents to pay), do you want her "teaching you lessons"?

-"daughter, please give me a sip of water"
-"daddy, it is good for you to work for it, first move in your wheelchair halfway to the sink and don't forget to wheel your breathing machine alongside".