S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

I am a child of divorce and I really have no idea whether it was the right choice. Yes my parents were unhappy together, but they were also unhappy separately. Their subsequent marriages were troubled in the same ways. So I often wonder what was the point of getting divorced, making the kids live in two houses, being financially wrecked, etc.? Their marriage might have gotten better if they had stayed together. So I'm not saying it was the wrong choice, but I'm not convinced it was the right one.

I wouldn't say I'm psychologically traumatized by it, but it certainly is a lifelong burden to have divorced parents. Right now I'm trying to move them each into separate assisted living homes. It's much harder to sell two houses and find two retirement homes, than just one. I have put a lot of time and money into travel because they live in different places. It's very hard for me when they're both sick at once. And it's hard on my own marriage, and takes me away from my own children.

I really hate the expression "children are resilient" because it waves away the practical impact, and the fact that it isn't just affecting me during my childhood. What I am going through in my 50s is much harder than anything that happened when they were married or in the process of divorcing. If you are thinking about divorce, think about the whole life consequences.

[Anonymous]

I also think a lot of the people who claim to be ok with their parents divorce either haven't experienced having elderly parents, or are too short-sighted to think about what it will be like. I'll meet you in the airport bathroom and we can cry together as we fly from one parental health crisis to another. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I also think a lot of the people who claim to be ok with their parents divorce either haven't experienced having elderly parents, or are too short-sighted to think about what it will be like. I'll meet you in the airport bathroom and we can cry together as we fly from one parental health crisis to another

My parents live in the DC area, so that part of it was easier for me. I agree with you that it is harder to take care of elderly parents separately, but I still don't think that means my parents owed it to me to stay married to people they didn't like to make my life easier as an adult. They stayed married until I started high school, and that was enough.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone start to resent the kids at some point? I mean, if you're in a marriage solely for their sake, and inside you're miserable.

[Anonymous]

My mother passed away at 65 and my dad is 70. Still not traumatized by their divorce. They stayed friendly and maybe that is why it wasn't crazy for me.

But the point is people make the best choice they can in whatever circumstance they are in and making them feel guiltier about whats already a tough road is shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also think a lot of the people who claim to be ok with their parents divorce either haven't experienced having elderly parents, or are too short-sighted to think about what it will be like. I'll meet you in the airport bathroom and we can cry together as we fly from one parental health crisis to another

My parents live in the DC area, so that part of it was easier for me. I agree with you that it is harder to take care of elderly parents separately, but I still don't think that means my parents owed it to me to stay married to people they didn't like to make my life easier as an adult. They stayed married until I started high school, and that was enough.

I don't think anyone owes it to the kids to stay married. But I do think they owe it to the kids to take into account the entire impact of divorce, and that includes the impact later in life. Actually I was 40 when my parents divorced (I'm not the PP) and it has been really hard for everyone. Their second and third marriages brought a lot of problems and made life a lot more complicated, and now the elder care is difficult and complicated as well. It's not like you turn 18 and all of a sudden divorce doesn't affect you. I think my parents were right to divorce, but it certainly does affect all of us-- more and more every year as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away at 65 and my dad is 70. Still not traumatized by their divorce. They stayed friendly and maybe that is why it wasn't crazy for me.

But the point is people make the best choice they can in whatever circumstance they are in and making them feel guiltier about whats already a tough road is shitty.

Amazingly, finding two assisted living homes is twice as hard as finding one, even if your parents are friendly!

I do not think people make the best choice they can. My parents both made a lot of bad choices and we are all coping with the consequences. If they feel guilty, it's probably because of their bad choices. I'm not going to put on a fake happy face and deny that their choices have negatively affected me and my children. They are adults and choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

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Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.
But at least you are happy now, right?

Guess you've missed the many DCUMers who begged a parent to divorce. I'm one of them and my life and my siblings lives would have been completely different if my parents had divorced. You don't know jack about everything.

You don't know jack about everything either.

My parents divorced. The reasons for it were valid - i.e., he was a cheater and physically abusive to my mother and the kids. I was "happier" afterwards in the sense that he was not beating me. Nevertheless, the divorce inflicted profound, long-lasting psychological damage on myself and my siblings. People who are dismissive of this and assume the kids are "happier" simply don't know jack. For one thing, "happier" does not mean "happy".

So what would you have preferred, your mom stay with this man and you be miserable and abused? I don't understand the point you are making, tell it to me like I am 5.

I am also a child of divorce. It was the right thing for us and I was and am good. I think it depends on the child, some, like me, are more adaptable, a trait that has helped me do well in life, and some are like you and carry the pain for the rest of their lives, which is unfortunate.

I was miserable and abused before AND after the divorce. It was just a different kind of abuse. It took me a long time to come to terms with the pain it caused -- and for a long time (well into adulthood) I would have insisted the divorce was the right thing and I was totally OK with it. I think many, many children of divorce are in denial about the long-term effects of it. Maybe including you.

[Anonymous]

This string is really horrifying to me. My husband had a 9-month long affair that he claims is over, but he also has told me that he basically thinks I am horrible and the cause of all of his problems in life. I had no idea he felt this way about me. I thought he loved me and we were going through a rough time because we have young kids and that is hard. But now he tells me how he is not sure he ever loved me and that I am the reason for him betraying me. I am not saying I am perfect and I have my share of flaws (mostly that I can be emotionally distant due to my own upbringing, so his main accusation is that I am cold), but we had what I thought was a supportive, loving home. Honestly, I think he's going to leave some day anyway. Ironically, I am about emotions these days and am working with a therapist who has been amazing.

As I have been sifting through this, I have been getting closer to thinking divorce is the best option because I am not sure how to deal with him and I am beyond hurt, obviously. I have done everything I possibly could do to fix things. But he still tells me basically on a weekly basis that he just doesn't feel anything towards me. I am getting more comfortable with the probable demise of our marriage, but then I read stuff like this and just really don't want to hurt the kids. They are both under 5. At what point does the scale tip in favor of divorce? I definitely don't want to cause a lifetime of pain for them, they are my world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This string is really horrifying to me. My husband had a 9-month long affair that he claims is over, but he also has told me that he basically thinks I am horrible and the cause of all of his problems in life. I had no idea he felt this way about me. I thought he loved me and we were going through a rough time because we have young kids and that is hard. But now he tells me how he is not sure he ever loved me and that I am the reason for him betraying me. I am not saying I am perfect and I have my share of flaws (mostly that I can be emotionally distant due to my own upbringing, so his main accusation is that I am cold), but we had what I thought was a supportive, loving home. Honestly, I think he's going to leave some day anyway. Ironically, I am about emotions these days and am working with a therapist who has been amazing.

As I have been sifting through this, I have been getting closer to thinking divorce is the best option because I am not sure how to deal with him and I am beyond hurt, obviously. I have done everything I possibly could do to fix things. But he still tells me basically on a weekly basis that he just doesn't feel anything towards me. I am getting more comfortable with the probable demise of our marriage, but then I read stuff like this and just really don't want to hurt the kids. They are both under 5. At what point does the scale tip in favor of divorce? I definitely don't want to cause a lifetime of pain for them, they are my world.

I have no answers (but many of the same questions) and just want to give you a virtual hug. Been there (and am there again, minus the affair this time around) and it sucks royally.

What's helping me is to remember that there are some things out of my control. I can't make my husband want to stay married--I tried it and it didn't work. I can do everything I can to minimize the hurt for my kids--including working on good co-parenting and providing as much stability as I can while other things are being uprooted.

The comments here about aging parents are really eye-opening as well. But really, we all face different burdens already when it comes to our parents. I'm one of 3 kids, with parents who have planned meticulously for everything and are orchestrating their own graduated move to a retirement community (with increasing levels of support available over time). My in-laws have only one child, little in the way of financial savings, and seemingly every intention of dying in their house. The entire burden is going to fall on my husband. Some people have parents who become debilitated and need years of care, others have parents who are healthy and independent until they drop dead of a heart attack. Life isn't always fair or equal. So, like I said before, I will do everything I can to make sure I am as prepared as possible so there is less work for the kids to have to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a child of divorce and I really have no idea whether it was the right choice. Yes my parents were unhappy together, but they were also unhappy separately. Their subsequent marriages were troubled in the same ways. So I often wonder what was the point of getting divorced, making the kids live in two houses, being financially wrecked, etc.? Their marriage might have gotten better if they had stayed together. So I'm not saying it was the wrong choice, but I'm not convinced it was the right one.

I wouldn't say I'm psychologically traumatized by it, but it certainly is a lifelong burden to have divorced parents. Right now I'm trying to move them each into separate assisted living homes. It's much harder to sell two houses and find two retirement homes, than just one. I have put a lot of time and money into travel because they live in different places. It's very hard for me when they're both sick at once. And it's hard on my own marriage, and takes me away from my own children.

I really hate the expression "children are resilient" because it waves away the practical impact, and the fact that it isn't just affecting me during my childhood. What I am going through in my 50s is much harder than anything that happened when they were married or in the process of divorcing. If you are thinking about divorce, think about the whole life consequences.

See, this is a really important thing to think about. I'm a divorced and remarried person with joint custody. PP, it's stuff like this, and having dealt with my own parents (also divorced, so I get where you are coming from), that made me get it together to make plans ahead of time for when/if I need care. There are plans in place, or at least the beginning of plans, so that my child doesn't have to carry so much of this, and some decisions are already taken care of. I suspect travel and its costs are things nobody will be able to avoid, and are somewhat universal in the is day and age of folks being spread all over the country. This is a responsibility I assumed when I became a parent.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing about dealing with elderly/dying/sick parents, divorced or not. It can dredge up a whole bunch of feelings about how you grew up. At least it did with me.

Honestly, the anger at my parents that surfaced had more to do with what I perceive as boomer selfishness and lack of preparation or responsibility for some just flat-out shitty parenting that they honestly didn't know how to do better than it does with their divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing about dealing with elderly/dying/sick parents, divorced or not. It can dredge up a whole bunch of feelings about how you grew up. At least it did with me.

Honestly, the anger at my parents that surfaced had more to do with what I perceive as boomer selfishness and lack of preparation or responsibility for some just flat-out shitty parenting that they honestly didn't know how to do better than it does with their divorce.

+1. Lots of anger when I found out the true extent of their poor choices and failure to prepare for aging. Boomer selfishness is exactly what my (married) parents have and it's amazing. They're completely oblivious to the idea that their actions affect others. And no ability to plan ahead even if they wanted to, which they don't.

[Anonymous]

I also think a lot of the people who claim to be ok with their parents divorce either haven't experienced having elderly parents, or are too short-sighted to think about what it will be like. I'll meet you in the airport bathroom and we can cry together as we fly from one parental health crisis to another

My parents live in the DC area, so that part of it was easier for me. I agree with you that it is harder to take care of elderly parents separately, but I still don't think that means my parents owed it to me to stay married to people they didn't like to make my life easier as an adult. They stayed married until I started high school, and that was enough.

I don't think anyone owes it to the kids to stay married. But I do think they owe it to the kids to take into account the entire impact of divorce, and that includes the impact later in life. Actually I was 40 when my parents divorced (I'm not the PP) and it has been really hard for everyone. Their second and third marriages brought a lot of problems and made life a lot more complicated, and now the elder care is difficult and complicated as well. It's not like you turn 18 and all of a sudden divorce doesn't affect you. I think my parents were right to divorce, but it certainly does affect all of us-- more and more every year as they age.

Right, I agree with you that it continues to affect the children, but that doesn't mean I'm not ok with the divorce or feel that my parents should have done anything differently. In my case, my parents were clearly so much happier after their divorce, and honestly, I was getting so sick of dealing with them bickering constantly, I felt relieved in a way as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

I would call that emotional abuse. Is he depressed? Unhappy people often spread their unhappiness to others. I assume he wasn't always like this since you did marry him for a reason, right?

No, he was not always like this, it has gotten worse and worse over the years. I can't say if he is depressed but I know that I am at this point.

Read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"....Verbal Abuse comes in a lot of different forms, it certainly is not just name calling and from what your describing, I would say its abuse.