S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and feel no shame or humiliation, and my kid is much better off than she would have been in my emotionally abusive marriage. And yes, open hostility can be just as damaging as physical abuse, contrary to what the troll thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

Yes, this is one of the warning signs of emotional abuse--constant criticism. It is not limited to just name calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the question is framed wrong. Would I still be in a relationship with my husband if we didn't have children? No. Knowing how I was pre-marriage, it was just easier to cut and run. But since we do, I have spent a lot more energy and time working on the relationship, working on my own expectations of what "love" is, working through our rough patches. It's been a long 30 years. But what I will say is that looking back, I am glad the children were there. They forced me to dig deep and really try. I think my marriage, especially in this stage now, with the kids gone and us retired and working part-time and traveling has been tremendous. I can see how the child years can break a couple. But if they can get through it with kindness and respect, there is something amazing on the other side.

Thank you for this. DH and I going through a really hard time. We are trying to work it out but it is slow and frustrating. It gives me hope to read that if you can come out on th other side, it can be amazing. Like you, I would no longer be with him without the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

Sure, being hostile towards your kids is a good plan. Definitely not abuse.

Get thee to a psych ward.

Did I say being hostile was a good idea? No I did not, you clueless retard. The question is whether being "hostile" is the same (i.e., as bad) as beating them. Manifestly it is not, you clueless retard.

Well having sex with them is worse too, does that mean beating them is fine.

Go ahead justify being a cheat and being hostile towards you kids. You are a real winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

I would call that emotional abuse. Is he depressed? Unhappy people often spread their unhappiness to others. I assume he wasn't always like this since you did marry him for a reason, right?

I completely agree. I recently went for counselling at a women's shelter because of the effects of my husband's emotional abuse on me. I had no idea how much it impacted my health, identity, work, family, and friendships. He suffered from bipolar and continually blamed me for not taking good care of him. I had no attraction to him whatsoever because I became his caregiver and "mother". That relationship seriously sucked the life out of me to the point my daughter was asking me to leave him. I feel ashamed that I stayed in it as long as I did but now I am so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

I would also like to add emotional and verbal abuse to this.....so many people think that as long as he is not beating you daily, then its okay. Abuse comes in a lot of forms and it can be very destructive even w/ out it being physical.

With any kind of abuser, if you divorce your kids could be alone with the abuser half the time. So their situation could become worse.

[Anonymous]

So my DH withholding sex is emotional abuse? Got it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the question is framed wrong. Would I still be in a relationship with my husband if we didn't have children? No. Knowing how I was pre-marriage, it was just easier to cut and run. But since we do, I have spent a lot more energy and time working on the relationship, working on my own expectations of what "love" is, working through our rough patches. It's been a long 30 years. But what I will say is that looking back, I am glad the children were there. They forced me to dig deep and really try. I think my marriage, especially in this stage now, with the kids gone and us retired and working part-time and traveling has been tremendous. I can see how the child years can break a couple. But if they can get through it with kindness and respect, there is something amazing on the other side.

Thank you for this. DH and I going through a really hard time. We are trying to work it out but it is slow and frustrating. It gives me hope to read that if you can come out on th other side, it can be amazing. Like you, I would no longer be with him without the kids.

Happy to share, PP. It really is better on the other side of things. But it took both of us committing to kindness and patience and respect. That took us a long way and made the issues that seemed insurmountable fixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the question is framed wrong. Would I still be in a relationship with my husband if we didn't have children? No. Knowing how I was pre-marriage, it was just easier to cut and run. But since we do, I have spent a lot more energy and time working on the relationship, working on my own expectations of what "love" is, working through our rough patches. It's been a long 30 years. But what I will say is that looking back, I am glad the children were there. They forced me to dig deep and really try. I think my marriage, especially in this stage now, with the kids gone and us retired and working part-time and traveling has been tremendous. I can see how the child years can break a couple. But if they can get through it with kindness and respect, there is something amazing on the other side.

Thank you for this. DH and I going through a really hard time. We are trying to work it out but it is slow and frustrating. It gives me hope to read that if you can come out on th other side, it can be amazing. Like you, I would no longer be with him without the kids.

Happy to share, PP. It really is better on the other side of things. But it took both of us committing to kindness and patience and respect. That took us a long way and made the issues that seemed insurmountable fixable.

But you seem to agree on your empty nest life. My husband's idea of retirement is "do nothing." Not only no work, but no travel, little socializing, no volunteer work....he just wants to not commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the question is framed wrong. Would I still be in a relationship with my husband if we didn't have children? No. Knowing how I was pre-marriage, it was just easier to cut and run. But since we do, I have spent a lot more energy and time working on the relationship, working on my own expectations of what "love" is, working through our rough patches. It's been a long 30 years. But what I will say is that looking back, I am glad the children were there. They forced me to dig deep and really try. I think my marriage, especially in this stage now, with the kids gone and us retired and working part-time and traveling has been tremendous. I can see how the child years can break a couple. But if they can get through it with kindness and respect, there is something amazing on the other side.

Thank you for this. DH and I going through a really hard time. We are trying to work it out but it is slow and frustrating. It gives me hope to read that if you can come out on th other side, it can be amazing. Like you, I would no longer be with him without the kids.

Happy to share, PP. It really is better on the other side of things. But it took both of us committing to kindness and patience and respect. That took us a long way and made the issues that seemed insurmountable fixable.

But you seem to agree on your empty nest life. My husband's idea of retirement is "do nothing." Not only no work, but no travel, little socializing, no volunteer work....he just wants to not commute.

PP here. He might be mired in your present that he can't see anything beyond his circumstances. I actually felt that way during the most stressful part of our marriage (children and working). I just wanted to sleep and not have to deal with things. It takes time and space sometimes.

Now, he could just be a lump. But you aren't going to figure that out unless you and your husband can be open enough and vulnerable enough with each other to get to the bottom of why his view of the future is just to stop and rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I assume it was a high conflict environment if you were begging your parents to divorce. The first article posted states that if that is the case, then divorce could be best.

It's the low conflict marriages that seem to be hardest on kids.

And, not to be obnoxious, but your own divorce is not surprising considering that you're a child of such, as research suggests.

I don't disagree, actually. I had no model for a healthy marriage, and (surprise) the first time around I married into what felt familiar. That's hindsight and therapy speaking. My current marriage is much healthier all around, and we're pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.

But at least you are happy now, right?

Guess you've missed the many DCUMers who begged a parent to divorce. I'm one of them and my life and my siblings lives would have been completely different if my parents had divorced. You don't know jack about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

Sure, being hostile towards your kids is a good plan. Definitely not abuse.

Get thee to a psych ward.

Did I say being hostile was a good idea? No I did not, you clueless retard. The question is whether being "hostile" is the same (i.e., as bad) as beating them. Manifestly it is not, you clueless retard.

Well having sex with them is worse too, does that mean beating them is fine.

Go ahead justify being a cheat and being hostile towards you kids. You are a real winner.

You remain intensely stupid and incapable of reading for comprehension.

"Being hostile is not as bad as beating them" is a true statement that also does not justify being hostile. Figure it out already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.

But at least you are happy now, right?

Guess you've missed the many DCUMers who begged a parent to divorce. I'm one of them and my life and my siblings lives would have been completely different if my parents had divorced. You don't know jack about everything.

You don't know jack about everything either.

My parents divorced. The reasons for it were valid - i.e., he was a cheater and physically abusive to my mother and the kids. I was "happier" afterwards in the sense that he was not beating me. Nevertheless, the divorce inflicted profound, long-lasting psychological damage on myself and my siblings. People who are dismissive of this and assume the kids are "happier" simply don't know jack. For one thing, "happier" does not mean "happy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.
But at least you are happy now, right?

Guess you've missed the many DCUMers who begged a parent to divorce. I'm one of them and my life and my siblings lives would have been completely different if my parents had divorced. You don't know jack about everything.

You don't know jack about everything either.

My parents divorced. The reasons for it were valid - i.e., he was a cheater and physically abusive to my mother and the kids. I was "happier" afterwards in the sense that he was not beating me. Nevertheless, the divorce inflicted profound, long-lasting psychological damage on myself and my siblings. People who are dismissive of this and assume the kids are "happier" simply don't know jack. For one thing, "happier" does not mean "happy".

So what would you have preferred, your mom stay with this man and you be miserable and abused? I don't understand the point you are making, tell it to me like I am 5.

I am also a child of divorce. It was the right thing for us and I was and am good. I think it depends on the child, some, like me, are more adaptable, a trait that has helped me do well in life, and some are like you and carry the pain for the rest of their lives, which is unfortunate.