S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Why? Hasn't it generally been agreed that kids suffer more when parents try to grin and bear it than they do when parents divorce?

[Anonymous]

I don't think so. I really don't think that kids are that perceptive to their parents feelings, and would rather be in an intact home than have their worlds disrupted. Kids are selfish like that.
Also, when people say that "sticking it out for the kids," I think there is an element that is more selfish. Like "sticking it out for the inheritance." You get more time with your kids, more holidays, more say in what the other parent does, Eric. If you are still married.

[Anonymous]

Usually divorce is worse for the kids. With steps, and other 1/2 siblings or gf/bf of their parents they don't like. Going back and forth, all that trauma hasn't worked for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I have to say it depends. One of my children KNOWS exactly how i am feeling. Better than I do. She instinctually knows that DH & I are in a rough patch and doing her pre-teen best to make us hug and kiss and be affectionate. The other child is off in la-la land and has no idea.

By "sticking it out for the kids" I also mean "working on the marriage so it isn't pure hell"

[Anonymous]

The unified research shows kids do better in intact homes that are low conflict even if the marriage isn't particularly fulfilling for the parents. http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/09/news/cl-20178

To summarize - divorce is the lesser of two evils for kids if the parents are openly hostile and violent. Not if the parents get along but don't love each other.

[Anonymous]

Interesting read. Seems the worst thing to do is to divorce unless there is high-conflict in the marriage.

Kids of divorce have higher chances of being negatively impacted in many areas.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

[Anonymous]

In terms of my hopes and dreams of marriage, my reality falls FAR short. I'm not particularly happy in the day to day, I'm very unhappy w/ the physical relationship, and I often daydream about my single, carefree days. I was far happier then in many important ways.

But... My husband is a good man. I trust him. He makes me laugh. We don't fight. We are a very good team when things get tough. We treat each other w/ affection and respect. Our house is a pretty calm, laughter rich place.

So for our kids I think there is no question that the parents staying together is the best choice. I feel that I chose to bring them into this world so I owe them a stable, calm, safe, loving household. So I will stay with their father.

By the time I no longer feel that I owe them this life we'll likely be so old that a divorce won't make sense for other reasons. But we'll see...

So I think the right answer is different in different families.

[Anonymous]

It completely depends on the environment in which you are subjecting your children to. I personally am living in a high conflict marriage where my husband is openly hostile to me and I am planning to get a divorce. My kids don't need to grow up in this type of environment. If we were able to stay together and be respectful to one another, then I would consider staying for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

[Anonymous]

Some marriages just don't work and the kids are relieved when their parents finally get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some marriages just don't work and the kids are relieved when their parents finally get a divorce.

Depends what you do to the kids post divorce. Co-parent in harmony? Can attend holidays with civility? Let the kids have some say in their living arraignments and avoid the shuttling back and forth to the extent possible? Then and only then could a child feel a divorce is preferable to an intact home where there is no violence.

[Anonymous]

+1 that it isn't necessarily better. Dealing with aging divorced parents as an adult totally sucks, btw, let's not just think about childhood.

I think divorced people like to tell themselves this kind of BS so they don't have to feel guilty about the consequences of their choices.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you don't really know how things will turn out. Some kids do ok with divorce, others are really hurt by it. Some people have happy second marriages, others don't. Some stepfamilies succeed, others are really difficult and fraught with conflict (which is what you're trying to avoid, right?). Some people recover financially, others don't. And, of course, some marriages improve over time and there's no way to know if yours will too. So if things are ok-ish, it's hard to break up a family for all those unknowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It completely depends on the environment in which you are subjecting your children to. I personally am living in a high conflict marriage where my husband is openly hostile to me and I am planning to get a divorce. My kids don't need to grow up in this type of environment. If we were able to stay together and be respectful to one another, then I would consider staying for the children.

It's called abuse, yes get out. Terrible and in front of the kids.