S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

[Anonymous]

I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

I would call that emotional abuse. Is he depressed? Unhappy people often spread their unhappiness to others. I assume he wasn't always like this since you did marry him for a reason, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

Sure, being hostile towards your kids is a good plan. Definitely not abuse.

Get thee to a psych ward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: everything I do... is wrong and needs to be criticized.

"Welcome to my world," said every American husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

Sure, being hostile towards your kids is a good plan. Definitely not abuse.

Get thee to a psych ward.

Did I say being hostile was a good idea? No I did not, you clueless retard. The question is whether being "hostile" is the same (i.e., as bad) as beating them. Manifestly it is not, you clueless retard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

This is an abusive situation. No question. The controlling alone says that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

Not really. Men especially are known to come home and be hostile towards their family during an affair because they compare fantasy to reality and their kids can never live up to the quiet of a hotel room.

You really think "being hostile" is the same as "beating the shit out them"? Damn you're stupid.

Sure, being hostile towards your kids is a good plan. Definitely not abuse.

Get thee to a psych ward.

Did I say being hostile was a good idea? No I did not, you clueless retard. The question is whether being "hostile" is the same (i.e., as bad) as beating them. Manifestly it is not, you clueless retard.

Often the hostility is worse than open physical abuse. It leads to long term degradation, gas-lighting and mind-fuckery that is not easy to recover from.

With direct physical abuse, you have a defense of anger (cocooning). Police are also much more likely to lock you up.

You're quite angry. Trying to justify your bad behavior at home with the "at least I don't beat her in front of the kids" defense?

[Anonymous]

I think the question is framed wrong. Would I still be in a relationship with my husband if we didn't have children? No. Knowing how I was pre-marriage, it was just easier to cut and run. But since we do, I have spent a lot more energy and time working on the relationship, working on my own expectations of what "love" is, working through our rough patches. It's been a long 30 years. But what I will say is that looking back, I am glad the children were there. They forced me to dig deep and really try. I think my marriage, especially in this stage now, with the kids gone and us retired and working part-time and traveling has been tremendous. I can see how the child years can break a couple. But if they can get through it with kindness and respect, there is something amazing on the other side.

[Anonymous]

I do want my kids to be happy, but am wondering how long I am obligated to stick it out in this frustrating marriage to a difficult and controlling person. I would not necessarily classify it as emotional abuse (no name calling etc) but everything I do, from how I pack lunches, load the dishwasher, comments I make in conversation, is wrong and needs to be criticized. I just try to talk to DH as little as possible, and do things alone with the kids or with my parents and friends without DH.

I would call that emotional abuse. Is he depressed? Unhappy people often spread their unhappiness to others. I assume he wasn't always like this since you did marry him for a reason, right?

No, he was not always like this, it has gotten worse and worse over the years. I can't say if he is depressed but I know that I am at this point.

[Anonymous]

I think it's bullshit to think kids don't sense what's going on. They can tell whether mom and dad are loving and caring with each other, as opposed to sticking it out and merely tolerating the other.

What do you think that does to a child's perception of a normal relationship?

My friend it sticking it out for the kids, because the youngest is 13 and the other two are in high school, so it's not much longer. Although, he admits even then, it's far easier to just stay together instead of trying to split assets and figure out what to do with the house, etc.

But his kids know exactly what's going on in that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's bullshit to think kids don't sense what's going on. They can tell whether mom and dad are loving and caring with each other, as opposed to sticking it out and merely tolerating the other.

What do you think that does to a child's perception of a normal relationship?

My friend it sticking it out for the kids, because the youngest is 13 and the other two are in high school, so it's not much longer. Although, he admits even then, it's far easier to just stay together instead of trying to split assets and figure out what to do with the house, etc.

But his kids know exactly what's going on in that house.

Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

Every situation is different. You have no idea what may be going on in your friends' or neighbors' marriage. From what I've seen, people who are the most judgmental about others - and make people feel low for just doing the best they can in their situation - are the ones who get hit hardest by karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.

But at least you are happy now, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.

But at least you are happy now, right?

.

You don't know my situation or my kids. And I feel very sorry for yours! You have some serious issues.