Reply to S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This string is really horrifying to me.  My husband had a 9-month long affair that he claims is over, but he also has told me that he basically thinks I am horrible and the cause of all of his problems in life.  I had no idea he felt this way about me.  I thought he loved me and we were going through a rough time because we have young kids and that is hard.  But now he tells me how he is not sure he ever loved me and that I am the reason for him betraying me.  I am not saying I am perfect and I have my share of flaws (mostly that I can be emotionally distant due to my own upbringing, so his main accusation is that I am cold), but we had what I thought was a supportive, loving home.  Honestly, I think he's going to leave some day anyway. Ironically, I am about emotions these days and am working with a therapist who has been amazing.

As I have been sifting through this, I have been getting closer to thinking divorce is the best option because I am not sure how to deal with him and I am beyond hurt, obviously.  I have done everything I possibly could do to fix things.  But he still tells me basically on a weekly basis that he just doesn't feel anything towards me.  I am getting more comfortable with the probable demise of our marriage, but then I read stuff like this and just really don't want to hurt the kids.  They are both under 5.  At what point does the scale tip in favor of divorce?  I definitely don't want to cause a lifetime of pain for them, they are my world.    [/quote]

I have no answers (but many of the same questions) and just want to give you a virtual hug. Been there (and am there again, minus the affair this time around) and it sucks royally.

What's helping me is to remember that there are some things out of my control. I can't make my husband want to stay married--I tried it and it didn't work. I can do everything I can to minimize the hurt for my kids--including working on good co-parenting and providing as much stability as I can while other things are being uprooted.

The comments here about aging parents are really eye-opening as well. But really, we all face different burdens already when it comes to our parents. I'm one of 3 kids, with parents who have planned meticulously for everything and are orchestrating their own graduated move to a retirement community (with increasing levels of support available over time). My in-laws have only one child, little in the way of financial savings, and seemingly every intention of dying in their house. The entire burden is going to fall on my husband.  Some people have parents who become debilitated and need years of care, others have parents who are healthy and independent until they drop dead of a heart attack. Life isn't always fair or equal. So, like I said before, I will do everything I can to make sure I am as prepared as possible so there is less work for the kids to have to take on. [/quote]

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