S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

I would also like to add emotional and verbal abuse to this.....so many people think that as long as he is not beating you daily, then its okay. Abuse comes in a lot of forms and it can be very destructive even w/ out it being physical.

With any kind of abuser, if you divorce your kids could be alone with the abuser half the time. So their situation could become worse.

That is some backwards logic.....7 days of completely fucked up is a lot worse than maybe 2 days of fucked up and that is assuming that the court will even give the abuser visitation. I hope your not staying in an abusive marriage based on this thought process, if you are, please get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

It's not that clear cut. Sometimes emotional abuse of the children is an extension of hostility between the spouses. Out of the bickering environment, the stress leading to the abuse can stop. I think that occurred in my family after my divorce from an emotionally abusive spouse.

[Anonymous]

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Yup, kids can sense what's going on. My kids are much happier post-divorce - they were always so balled-up, tense and angry when we were married. Now they act like normal kids.

This is the bullshit rationalization parents who initiate divorce tell themselves in order to justify doing what's good for them.

Divorce is always, always psychologically devastating for children, and the aftereffects last a lifetime. In a divorce, the adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then leave the child to spend his or her entire life cleaning up the mess.

Divorce is like a murder. It will include death (the death of your family), grieving victims (your spouse and children, and eventually you), shame (hopefully you will be very ashamed one day), humiliation (your children will be embarrassed by your behavior and your spouse will be humiliated by the rejection), financial devastation (for everyone), and the intrusion of the State into the personal details of your life.
But at least you are happy now, right?

Guess you've missed the many DCUMers who begged a parent to divorce. I'm one of them and my life and my siblings lives would have been completely different if my parents had divorced. You don't know jack about everything.

You don't know jack about everything either.

My parents divorced. The reasons for it were valid - i.e., he was a cheater and physically abusive to my mother and the kids. I was "happier" afterwards in the sense that he was not beating me. Nevertheless, the divorce inflicted profound, long-lasting psychological damage on myself and my siblings. People who are dismissive of this and assume the kids are "happier" simply don't know jack. For one thing, "happier" does not mean "happy".

So what would you have preferred, your mom stay with this man and you be miserable and abused? I don't understand the point you are making, tell it to me like I am 5.

I am also a child of divorce. It was the right thing for us and I was and am good. I think it depends on the child, some, like me, are more adaptable, a trait that has helped me do well in life, and some are like you and carry the pain for the rest of their lives, which is unfortunate.

I was miserable and abused before AND after the divorce. It was just a different kind of abuse. It took me a long time to come to terms with the pain it caused -- and for a long time (well into adulthood) I would have insisted the divorce was the right thing and I was totally OK with it. I think many, many children of divorce are in denial about the long-term effects of it. Maybe including you.

Or maybe I am fine. Why is that so hard to believe? I certainly believe that it can be traumatic for many children so why can't you concede that it may not be traumatic for all children?