S/O Sticking it out for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

[Anonymous]

We split up FOR the kids. Before that we were all miserable. Now we're all happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

[Anonymous]

Or where mom chests discreetly. Cheating is not abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like a lot of high conflict on this board.

Disagree. Mismatched libidos where people discreetly cheat is not high conflict. An environment of physical abuse or shouting matches would be high conflict.

Abuse in another form. Cheating is abuse.

It actually isn't but it also isn't something the kids see unlike physical abuse. Kids who grow up in a home where dad discreetly cheats on business trips are not the same as kids who grow up in a house where dad beats the shit out of mom.

I would also like to add emotional and verbal abuse to this.....so many people think that as long as he is not beating you daily, then its okay. Abuse comes in a lot of forms and it can be very destructive even w/ out it being physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Hasn't it generally been agreed that kids suffer more when parents try to grin and bear it than they do when parents divorce?

I don't think you can "generally agree" on something like this. It depends on the individuals involved and the situation they're in. Not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The unified research shows kids do better in intact homes that are low conflict even if the marriage isn't particularly fulfilling for the parents. http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/09/news/cl-20178

To summarize - divorce is the lesser of two evils for kids if the parents are openly hostile and violent. Not if the parents get along but don't love each other.

This is why I'm sticking it out.

[Anonymous]

Here is some research that is more recent than the 2001 article posted earlier that says initially it sucks snf then most kids adjust and move on http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/

[Anonymous]

Reread the article. It says kids of divorce have a harder time forming relationships and a higher rate of divorce, and a lesser relationship with the noncustodial parent.

[Anonymous]

Reminds of the old joke where a couple appears before a judge seeking a run of the mill divorce. He is about to sign off when it dawns on him that this couple is in their lay nineties and have been married for nearly 80 years!

Not able to stop himself, he asks why, after 8 decades, are you two divorcing now?

To which the husband replied, "Well, your honor, we've wanted to get divorced for 70 years now. We've hated each other. But we thought we'd wait until the kids died first".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reread the article. It says kids of divorce have a harder time forming relationships and a higher rate of divorce, and a lesser relationship with the noncustodial parent.

No it doesnt but if that is what you need to tell yourself to stay married and keep your family intact, cool. Nobody is insisting you break up your family, I personally think putting kids first is always the best course of action, just noting that all the fire!!! fire!!! fire!!! folks are overexaggerating the effect of divorce on kids.

[Anonymous]

Please, just read the article, the part that references the UVA study. It's in black and white.

[Anonymous]

My parents stuck it out. We were ALL miserable as a result, and my brother and I used to beg them to get divorced. Kids aren't stupid. They split once we were in college.

This experience definitely shaped my decision to leave my first marriage when I did. I've since remarried happily, and our child (my ex's and mine) seems pretty well adjusted.

[Anonymous]

PP, I assume it was a high conflict environment if you were begging your parents to divorce. The first article posted states that if that is the case, then divorce could be best.

It's the low conflict marriages that seem to be hardest on kids.

And, not to be obnoxious, but your own divorce is not surprising considering that you're a child of such, as research suggests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds of the old joke where a couple appears before a judge seeking a run of the mill divorce. He is about to sign off when it dawns on him that this couple is in their lay nineties and have been married for nearly 80 years!

Not able to stop himself, he asks why, after 8 decades, are you two divorcing now?

To which the husband replied, "Well, your honor, we've wanted to get divorced for 70 years now. We've hated each other. But we thought we'd wait until the kids died first".

Is this like... American humor or something?