Elite privates and social dynamics for a fat mom

[Anonymous]

I have also been at top public & private in DC (not suburbs) - my experience was that the parents at public school were way more judgey, cliquey, and overall a lot less friendly. My theory is that, in general, people look for others "like themselves" and who they feel will help their own ambitions yet not threaten their perceived status/success. There are definitely outliers & they are wonderful people to be around. I stick to the outliers. I'm not big on self-absorbed lemmings. FWIW - at our DC public, I felt the same way you feel at private, and I am thin, well-dressed (but no high heels or heavy make up).

IF this is true, there can be only one DC Public School that fits this description. Possibly. Maybe. And it's the elementary school in Ward 3 that has uniformly high-income households, with the exception of a dozen or so condo/apartment dwellers inbounds.

All the other schools that have so-called "top" test scores -- Key, Janney, Murch, Ross, Lafayette -- have a broader range of HHI due to rentals and varying house sizes. And in the case of Murch, Janney and Lafayette, the schools are so. damm. huge. that there really can be no cloistered Skull and Bones power structure. There's room for a zillion social groups when there are, literally, 1,200 parents involved with the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, shrug it off. These are miserable people. Better "fat" and happy than like them.

I'm really sorry, OP. I will tell you that as a "fat mom" (about 50 lbs overweight as well) who had a "hot mom" I worry about my own daughter and whether she was be embarrassed because I don't look like the other moms or whatever. But I also work (unlike a lot of the active moms in her class) and I'm older than most of them, so fat is kind of the tip of the iceberg.

It's hard. I didn't go to a big 3 but I did go to a local elite private and the women I graduated with who all send their kids there now are primarily shallow, thin, and the heels and makeup at dropoff types. They are also completely out of my socio-economic sphere and I'm ok with that, because the majority of them are shallow people. This is of course one data point, but as someone who knows those people well, I personally understand exactly how they make you feel and also what many of them are like.

Fuck them all. Love yourself. Love your child and teach her/him good values. It's hard to break into the social circle, I know, but volunteer there and build your own village. *hugs*

Excuse me, ladies, but do you live in the ghetto? With trash thinking and trash language, are you that surprised to only attract trash?

[Anonymous]

OP -- you sound like a 5 year old. Remember -- it is your kid that goes to school -- not you. It's not about you. Find friends somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

This is the most ridiculous thing ever but... I know two women at our private who are currently starving themselves to be skinny because they were intimidated by the skinnier, fit women. I'm talking about someone who went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 and another woman who went from a size 8 to a size 4. The size 2 transformation is so noticeable that the woman isn't even attractive anymore. She looks like a bobble head.

It's sad that acceptance is based on custom clothing and dress/suit size.

8 is marginally acceptable, 10/12 is way overboard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

This is the most ridiculous thing ever but... I know two women at our private who are currently starving themselves to be skinny because they were intimidated by the skinnier, fit women. I'm talking about someone who went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 and another woman who went from a size 8 to a size 4. The size 2 transformation is so noticeable that the woman isn't even attractive anymore. She looks like a bobble head.

It's sad that acceptance is based on custom clothing and dress/suit size.

who are you to judge and how do you even know the original sizes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

This is the most ridiculous thing ever but... I know two women at our private who are currently starving themselves to be skinny because they were intimidated by the skinnier, fit women. I'm talking about someone who went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 and another woman who went from a size 8 to a size 4. The size 2 transformation is so noticeable that the woman isn't even attractive anymore. She looks like a bobble head.

It's sad that acceptance is based on custom clothing and dress/suit size.

I bet their dh are happy. If private school keeps the wives attractive and skinny it is well worth the money. It's like a weight loss program included. So you hey a great education and your wife keeps fit, amazeballs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

This is the most ridiculous thing ever but... I know two women at our private who are currently starving themselves to be skinny because they were intimidated by the skinnier, fit women. I'm talking about someone who went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 and another woman who went from a size 8 to a size 4. The size 2 transformation is so noticeable that the woman isn't even attractive anymore. She looks like a bobble head.

It's sad that acceptance is based on custom clothing and dress/suit size.

8 is marginally acceptable, 10/12 is way overboard

I bet you're still in your 40's or below. If looks are a priority, those are great days when you can have the face and the body. Life happens...then it's one or the other and health if you're really fortunate.
Thank god for great husbands and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

drama queens like no easy solutions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

Who cares how you look? It's your kid I am worried about. If your DC is overweight, you need to address that or your DC will suffer as you have.

[Anonymous]

People are more likely to approach and reach out to attractive people. But, being attractive doesn't equal respect once people know each other. Respect is gained though other things - volunteering is king at most schools, followed by donating money, and having stand-out kids (and having a spouse who does good deeds too).

[Anonymous]

Being a private school parent is like being In high school all over again. Now hand me that Twinkie...

[Anonymous]

Honestly, some schools and/or cohorts of parents are just awful. My kid is at a school that is kind of funky, not super elite, and for some reason this year's group of parents are just So. Damn. Cliquey.

It might be partially because the group of parents who has been there the longest went through a group trauma that the rest of us weren't there for, but the end result is a social group that is basically impossible to penetrate.

[Anonymous]

I think it might have more to do with how you are dressing than your size.

I am tall, thin, and in good shape. But I could care less what I am wearing. I dress for comfort, not fashion. I have definitely noticed that people in groups like that one you judge me for what I wear. But honestly, I really don't care, and am amused by middle-aged women who act like they're still in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have also been at top public & private in DC (not suburbs) - my experience was that the parents at public school were way more judgey, cliquey, and overall a lot less friendly. My theory is that, in general, people look for others "like themselves" and who they feel will help their own ambitions yet not threaten their perceived status/success. There are definitely outliers & they are wonderful people to be around. I stick to the outliers. I'm not big on self-absorbed lemmings. FWIW - at our DC public, I felt the same way you feel at private, and I am thin, well-dressed (but no high heels or heavy make up).

IF this is true, there can be only one DC Public School that fits this description. Possibly. Maybe. And it's the elementary school in Ward 3 that has uniformly high-income households, with the exception of a dozen or so condo/apartment dwellers inbounds.

All the other schools that have so-called "top" test scores -- Key, Janney, Murch, Ross, Lafayette -- have a broader range of HHI due to rentals and varying house sizes. And in the case of Murch, Janney and Lafayette, the schools are so. damm. huge. that there really can be no cloistered Skull and Bones power structure. There's room for a zillion social groups when there are, literally, 1,200 parents involved with the school.

You are pretty much wrong on all fronts, but nice try. Maybe you got the Ward right. My guess, based on your response, is that your kid either goes to or went to that DCPS. Your personality really shines through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads are mysterious to me. Part of the reason we can afford to be at a big 3 is that I have a relatively demanding job, as does DH. I really have no idea what women at my son's school think of me. My relationship with them is superficial - hi, bye, how's Jimmy doing in math class etc? I don't really have time to form friendships with them or think about their weight or what they wear. I don't care if they like me or want to hang out with me. It is DS's responsibility to make friends at his school. He isn't a social butterfly, but has a few friends, and that's just how its going to be.

A voice of sanity, how refreshing.

I work full time and feel the same. The school is my son's school, not mine.

I find the other parents pleasant enough and i go where I am invited and have even made a few friends, but for most part, it is my son's school and that is it.

Outwardly, you might see me as thin and blonde but really I am not thinking about anything but accomplishing what I need at work and being a good parent