Elite privates and social dynamics for a fat mom

[Anonymous]

These threads are mysterious to me. Part of the reason we can afford to be at a big 3 is that I have a relatively demanding job, as does DH. I really have no idea what women at my son's school think of me. My relationship with them is superficial - hi, bye, how's Jimmy doing in math class etc? I don't really have time to form friendships with them or think about their weight or what they wear. I don't care if they like me or want to hang out with me. It is DS's responsibility to make friends at his school. He isn't a social butterfly, but has a few friends, and that's just how its going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

Sadly, there is a lot of truth in this. After a lifetime of being slim and active, I gained a lot of weight from an illness. It is a different world! being fat. People are judgy. At our private there are VERY few fat moms. The couple that are have very outgoing personalities. Its just a skinny, dress up school with lots of beautiful people.

PP, I'm the above poster and this is exactly why I gained weight. And it IS a different world. Easier said than done, but love yourself and your children -- that's all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure you are a very nice person and would be great company. But to be honest, my friends are a reflection of me. To befriend you would make me look bad. Sorry. Just being honest.

Big 3 Mom

This can't be for real. Even the most shallow people I know wouldn't write this. Ignore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

I've been at both top privates and top publics (in suburbs not DC) -- I'm not saying there are no differences, but at publics in wealthier areas you better believe there are also lots of trendy/highly fit moms dressed up for every school event. In my experience I know more professional/intellectual type moms at the privates and felt like there were more "glamazon" type moms at public . . . but my point is really that there are both types at privates and top publics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

This is the most ridiculous thing ever but... I know two women at our private who are currently starving themselves to be skinny because they were intimidated by the skinnier, fit women. I'm talking about someone who went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 and another woman who went from a size 8 to a size 4. The size 2 transformation is so noticeable that the woman isn't even attractive anymore. She looks like a bobble head.

It's sad that acceptance is based on custom clothing and dress/suit size.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I don't see this as a public/private school issue, or even as weight issue. At my kids' private school, there are some extremely overweight parents who are highly social, and others who are not. You yourself indicate that at a different private school, you had no trouble fitting in socially.

Is there something different about your new private school? I have no idea. My kids' school is not big on designer clothes or high heels, and we probably would not pick a school like that because it's not who we feel comfortable around. I can imagine it would feel strange to be around lots of people like that.

I suspect it's just that you're a new family trying to find your own circle of friends after many other families have been friends for a few years. It takes a little more effort when you're entering later. I understand why you're trying to look for reasons for the struggle, but I doubt your weight is a problem.

Give it some more time. It takes parents longer to form friendships than the kids, because we're only around each other occasionally, while the kids are around each other all day every day. Maybe invite other families to do stuff with yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

I've been at both top privates and top publics (in suburbs not DC) -- I'm not saying there are no differences, but at publics in wealthier areas you better believe there are also lots of trendy/highly fit moms dressed up for every school event. In my experience I know more professional/intellectual type moms at the privates and felt like there were more "glamazon" type moms at public . . . but my point is really that there are both types at privates and top publics.

I have also been at top public & private in DC (not suburbs) - my experience was that the parents at public school were way more judgey, cliquey, and overall a lot less friendly. My theory is that, in general, people look for others "like themselves" and who they feel will help their own ambitions yet not threaten their perceived status/success. There are definitely outliers & they are wonderful people to be around. I stick to the outliers. I'm not big on self-absorbed lemmings. FWIW - at our DC public, I felt the same way you feel at private, and I am thin, well-dressed (but no high heels or heavy make up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads are mysterious to me. Part of the reason we can afford to be at a big 3 is that I have a relatively demanding job, as does DH. I really have no idea what women at my son's school think of me. My relationship with them is superficial - hi, bye, how's Jimmy doing in math class etc? I don't really have time to form friendships with them or think about their weight or what they wear. I don't care if they like me or want to hang out with me. It is DS's responsibility to make friends at his school. He isn't a social butterfly, but has a few friends, and that's just how its going to be.

You sound reasonable and practical. I like it. I'm a SAHM, but feel the same.

[Anonymous]

So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.


Yes. Your child's happiness, and their success in school, is the only thing that matters. I am sorry you are having this problem, but remember, it's not about you. It's about your child. Find another social outlet for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

I've been at both top privates and top publics (in suburbs not DC) -- I'm not saying there are no differences, but at publics in wealthier areas you better believe there are also lots of trendy/highly fit moms dressed up for every school event. In my experience I know more professional/intellectual type moms at the privates and felt like there were more "glamazon" type moms at public . . . but my point is really that there are both types at privates and top publics.

Of course, but the community is much larger at publics and it's much easier to avoid the nasty people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

I've been at both top privates and top publics (in suburbs not DC) -- I'm not saying there are no differences, but at publics in wealthier areas you better believe there are also lots of trendy/highly fit moms dressed up for every school event. In my experience I know more professional/intellectual type moms at the privates and felt like there were more "glamazon" type moms at public . . . but my point is really that there are both types at privates and top publics.

Of course, but the community is much larger at publics and it's much easier to avoid the nasty people.

I'm sorry, but where did the OP relate how they were nasty? She told us about their heel height but I don't see that an as aggressively awful thing that reflects their demeanor towards OP.

[Anonymous]

Op can you define "repeated overtures for playdates and get togethers?"

It's been less than 6 full months since the start of the school year.

You have personally invited a thin well dressed mom with high heels repeatedly to your home and have been rebuffed repeatedly with no explanation other than style of dress and weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

I live in a top public neighborhood and while my kids are young, our neighbors aren't like this and their kids are the ones going to school with my kids. You're seriously saying the social and economic climates at DC privates, among the parents, are no different than those at the local publics?

I've been at both top privates and top publics (in suburbs not DC) -- I'm not saying there are no differences, but at publics in wealthier areas you better believe there are also lots of trendy/highly fit moms dressed up for every school event. In my experience I know more professional/intellectual type moms at the privates and felt like there were more "glamazon" type moms at public . . . but my point is really that there are both types at privates and top publics.

I have also been at top public & private in DC (not suburbs) - my experience was that the parents at public school were way more judgey, cliquey, and overall a lot less friendly. My theory is that, in general, people look for others "like themselves" and who they feel will help their own ambitions yet not threaten their perceived status/success. There are definitely outliers & they are wonderful people to be around. I stick to the outliers. I'm not big on self-absorbed lemmings. FWIW - at our DC public, I felt the same way you feel at private, and I am thin, well-dressed (but no high heels or heavy make up).

This is exactly our experience too.

One of my fav moms is tall, thin, and gorgeous - model gorgeous. And she thinks all of the cliquey moms are ridiculous so she ignores them. Even when they fawn all over her (she's also loaded and a big donor). Haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

Op, ask your child's teacher who she seem to play well with and then directly reach out to those parents inviting them for a play date. Sometimes if you put a little group together it helps break the ice easier and the children and parents feel more comfortable attending. I am not sure how old your child is so invite the mom to attend if she feels more comfortable as well. Good luck.