Elite privates and social dynamics for a fat mom

[Anonymous]

So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

[Anonymous]

I have noticed the same at my child's wealthy private. I'm not overweight and do attempt to be stylish (on my way to work), and it is very cliquish and hard to connect to others. One of my friends recommended I read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Primates-Park-Avenue-A-Memoir/dp/1476762627

[Anonymous]

It could definitely be a reason, OP. I used to be overweight and lost a bunch (about 100 pounds) and some people did a 180 in how they treated me.

[Anonymous]

This sounds miserable---like high school all over again. Stop trying to be friends with these people. Why would you want to?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that sucks. It's not you, though- some people just look for reasons to reject others. It's not worth pulling your child out of school for, IMO.

Give it time, and see how if things get better next year. I sincerely hope so.

[Anonymous]

A few fat moms and fat Dads at my DC's " Big 3" private. It doesn't seem to slow anyone down socially.

volunteer or donate $$$

those two things are the schools currency, not body type

[Anonymous]

This has been posted several times before on this board. Yes, people react differently to fat people. I lost 40 lbs a few years ago and I noticed a difference. Some of that may have been real and some of that may have been increased confidence on my part because I wasn't assuming that people didn't like me because I was fat. So it may be that some of this is your own insecurity about your weight.

What on earth school is this? My kids went to 3 different wealthy private schools too and there definitely weren't SAHMs in high heels at drop off. Exercise clothes maybe. Fancy ballet flats definitely. Working moms in heels for sure (even if they were sometimes dressed in business casual).

[Anonymous]

Seriously, shrug it off. These are miserable people. Better "fat" and happy than like them.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you're like me (and many others) who grew up with weight issues (and you mentioned high school so perhaps I'm correct), it's not a surprise that you think the reason these Moms aren't bonding is that you're not slim, coiffed and heeled. But OP, unless you're reality show material (and you're not from what you wrote), then you are wrong.

You are a person, first and foremost. If you want to explore new friendships, what's a cardinal rule? Get out of your own head and find out what makes them tick as people, not as clothes, shoes and hair.

As a person, you have every right not to be pals with everyone. You have a right to choose. But you can only choose if you find out about what you'd be choosing.

Remember, you're a new family. What about the other families? Have they been at the school through multiple children? It's always hard to be the new ones on the block.

If it's an elite private, you went through a parent interview. What did you pick up during that process? Do you have a "buddy" family assigned to you? I'm not questioning the existence of cliques, mind you, but that's not the end of the story.

Are there school activities you're interested in being involved with? You don't have to be president of the PTA right out of the starting gate, or even a room parent.

I'm troubled, however, by your comment that, although DC is happy at the new school, you're not getting positive responses to playdate proposals. Which kids does your Larla want to spend time with outside school? Again, get out of your own head and focus on learning about these kids and their families. Who are the parents? Is it a single parent situation with several siblings? What does the kid like to do? If you do child pickup, are there opportunities for casual/impromptu playdates, i.e. we're going to hang out at the playground for a little while, why don't you join us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few fat moms and fat Dads at my DC's " Big 3" private. It doesn't seem to slow anyone down socially.

volunteer or donate $$$

those two things are the schools currency, not body type

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I have obviously never seen you, so let me say this: regardless of your body, the content of your character sounds very entitled, arrogant and a bit bitchy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I have obviously never seen you, so let me say this: regardless of your body, the content of your character sounds very entitled, arrogant and a bit bitchy

NP here. PP, could you cite examples? I'm not seeing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I have obviously never seen you, so let me say this: regardless of your body, the content of your character sounds very entitled, arrogant and a bit bitchy

NP here. PP, could you cite examples? I'm not seeing this.

I kind of agree with PP. OP is very judgmental about the other moms and implies that she's better than them because she doesn't get dressed up for pick up and doesn't care about material things. A very holier than thou attitude that I would find a turn off. She assumes the worst of them when (as a former fat person) I bet a lot of it is in her head.

[Anonymous]

I'm fat. I do a lot of volunteer work. I have mom friends at school. Not super-close mom friends, but ones I enjoy chatting with at school functions or playdates. I think volunteering does help a lot. I'm an introvert and don't generally reach out, so volunteering makes me get out there and actually talk to people. I find there are cliques, but they are mostly because that's who the parents met first and who they feel comfortable with. Not necessarily because they are trying to exclude others.

And I also find a big variety in personalities, from the Maine, New Englander type mom who doesn't care about uber fashion like you are talking about, to the corporate lawyer who works all the time and is always in a suit, to the outdoor hiker mom, to the generic suburban mom. I think once you can break into a group and chat, you'll find a lot of difference, and that helps you find someone to click with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I have obviously never seen you, so let me say this: regardless of your body, the content of your character sounds very entitled, arrogant and a bit bitchy

NP here. PP, could you cite examples? I'm not seeing this.

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