Elite privates and social dynamics for a fat mom

[Anonymous]

People in DC are generally socially awkward because they are either really nerdy so they don't really understand how to exchange pleasantries or they are wannabe posers from nowhere who suddenly think they made it so excluding the fat person makes them feel superior. If you were really rich, that would be different, they would kiss your ass. But cheer up, they don't only exclude fat people, they also exclude people based on race. I'm an average looking south Asian at VA private, we're both doctors and beyond birthday parties for the kids the skinny wasp blondes never invite me for after drop off coffee get togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I am at a Big 3 and I can't imagine this treatment. Yes there are the skinny pretty moms and then there are all others that fall into all categories. I used to dress up for drop off and was one of those skinny pretty moms but now years later I show up pretty much out of bed and pretty messy. Hang in there and keep volunteering and reaching out. I wonder what school you are at that people would be that way? That makes me sad, especially with your child. Social dynamics can be weird at schools. Ask the teacher who your child plays with and reach out and invite them for a play date. It will get better! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need your child's classmates' parents for a social life? You seem like a pleasant thoughtful person. I'm sure you have lots of friends, neighbors, and colleagues to socialize with. It's hard enough for me to find time for the people in my life who I enjoy. Unless those other parents have an effect on your child's friendships and education, don't bother with them.

[Anonymous]

My Child graduated from a big 3 a while ago but the most popular mom was obese and her offspring was even bigger. They both had big personalities and inclusive attitudes. After the first meeting I never even saw their size just their smiles. Sure there are lots of beautiful people with even lovelier checkbooks that get tons of attention and Ivy acceptances but they are not judging you. Relax and realize that all those clothes probably mean a stressful job and a high pressure life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need your child's classmates' parents for a social life? You seem like a pleasant thoughtful person. I'm sure you have lots of friends, neighbors, and colleagues to socialize with. It's hard enough for me to find time for the people in my life who I enjoy. Unless those other parents have an effect on your child's friendships and education, don't bother with them.

+1. While I'm happy to make new friends through my kids schools, I barely have time to meaningfully connect with the friends I already have who I have genuine deep bond connections to. Since its not affecting your child's experience I wouldn't give it too much energy. I understand you being puzzled by it all, but women are cliquish. Right or wrong we tend to flock towards those that we feel similarly connected to. So, as a moderately overweight AA woman who is not into wearing heels and the latest fashions everyday, I probably wouldn't naturally gravitate towards the skinny Chics in the lad rest fashions all dolled up. I wouldn't purposefully exclude them from anything I was doing but they wouldn't be the first women I reached out to either. I find that like minded people generally connect with minimal effort, and when I look at my group of friends we all tend to be similar is some way whether it's professionally or socially.

All of that is to say, the group you are meant to be a part of and truly connect with you will naturally gravitate towards and naturally be accepted. If that doesn't happen that just means the other moms at the school aren't your type of people, and that's OK. Like PP said you sound like a great person and I'm sure you have plentiful of meaning relationships in your life already. Cherish and focus on those.

[Anonymous]

Hanging out with fat people destroys the dream like state of beauty and splendor that attending a Big 3 creates. You are lucky your kid got in despite your weight. There have been multiple threads on this forum addressing the cruel but grain of truth fact that a parents' and even kids' looks will affect the admissions' decision.

[Anonymous]

It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need your child's classmates' parents for a social life? You seem like a pleasant thoughtful person. I'm sure you have lots of friends, neighbors, and colleagues to socialize with. It's hard enough for me to find time for the people in my life who I enjoy. Unless those other parents have an effect on your child's friendships and education, don't bother with them.

Being a mom that has been in OPs situation, it was important for me to make friends with other moms because the moms were the ones really responsible for social plans for their kids. This was true up until middle school even. If the parents did not know you, they weren't including you and your child in their planning for weekend get togethers, play dates, etc for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in DC are generally socially awkward because they are either really nerdy so they don't really understand how to exchange pleasantries or they are wannabe posers from nowhere who suddenly think they made it so excluding the fat person makes them feel superior. If you were really rich, that would be different, they would kiss your ass. But cheer up, they don't only exclude fat people, they also exclude people based on race. I'm an average looking south Asian at VA private, we're both doctors and beyond birthday parties for the kids the skinny wasp blondes never invite me for after drop off coffee get togethers.

Really? I'm a skinny wasp blonde and most of my closest friends are Asian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

Are you serious? This is funny! I'm overweight and I probably spend more time at the gym than you do. I hike and run and travel extensively. What activities do you engage in as a thin person that others don't? Do you assume that every fat person spends all day sitting on the couch watching OPrah and eating cake?

[Anonymous]

As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

There are no words.

[Anonymous]

Lose the weight for yourself and your social standing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

Are you serious? This is funny! I'm overweight and I probably spend more time at the gym than you do. I hike and run and travel extensively. What activities do you engage in as a thin person that others don't? Do you assume that every fat person spends all day sitting on the couch watching OPrah and eating cake?

You need to eat less

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

Are you serious? This is funny! I'm overweight and I probably spend more time at the gym than you do. I hike and run and travel extensively. What activities do you engage in as a thin person that others don't? Do you assume that every fat person spends all day sitting on the couch watching OPrah and eating cake?

You need to eat less