Elite privates and social dynamics for a fat mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So one of my kids started at a new school this year. We've had kids at other privates, and the communities have been different but generally friendly.

This school is different in another way. Moms who are at home with their kids wear high heels, full make-up, and designer clothes to drop off their children. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, but the prevalence of moms like this is new in my experience.

The other thing about this school is that it's been very hard to break the ice and get to know other moms. Even my DH, who is usually oblivious, commented that people seem rather cliquish. Our repeated overtures for play dates and get-togethers have been rebuffed. We are down-to-earth people who generally don't care much about material things. We're not wealthy, but we're comfortable and paying private school tuition is not a challenge. We're both outgoing and have lots of friends from other contexts.

This may sound like a dumb question, but it is a genuine one. I'm wondering if some of the social ostracism has to do with the fact that I'm fat and not very trendy? While I'm not slovenly, I'm not the kind of do drop-off in heels. I'm also about 60 lbs overweight. Could it be real that in this particular elite school, someone's weight and the clothes she wears could be a factor in forming friendships? I haven't experienced this since high school, and it kind of blows my mind. What made me begin to wonder about this is that the only mom who has been open and friendly is also overweight. I noticed that she is also not "included" by the other moms.

Has anyone else experienced this?

If you were in an environment where people were judged on the size of their bodies, rather than the content of their character, would you stay if your child was happy? DC has had a great experience inside the classroom, loves the teachers, and is very happy there.

I have obviously never seen you, so let me say this: regardless of your body, the content of your character sounds very entitled, arrogant and a bit bitchy

NP here. PP, could you cite examples? I'm not seeing this.

I kind of agree with PP. OP is very judgmental about the other moms and implies that she's better than them because she doesn't get dressed up for pick up and doesn't care about material things. A very holier than thou attitude that I would find a turn off. She assumes the worst of them when (as a former fat person) I bet a lot of it is in her head.

+1.

OP, as people have suggested earlier, I encourage you to volunteer more, help more, contribute more, and go with the flow

[Anonymous]

I am sure you are a very nice person and would be great company. But to be honest, my friends are a reflection of me. To befriend you would make me look bad. Sorry. Just being honest.

Big 3 Mom

[Anonymous]

This is such a strange thread. I have never heard anyone mention another parent's weight or appearance - except in a complimentary way. OP not sure what Big 3 you are at, but we are at a Big 3 and there are all sorts of parents there. You will find your people if you keep volunteering, don't gossip, and keep an open mind about everyone. Some of the nicest people I have met are the well dressed beautiful people. Many have work or Board mtgs after drop off, so that is why they are dressed up or they just like to look nice. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Fuck them. You sound like a nice down to earth person. If they can't look beyond the surface, they are not worth knowing. They sound like silly shallow sorority girls who never grew up (trust me, I have many "friends" like this and they are not worth your time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need your child's classmates' parents for a social life? You seem like a pleasant thoughtful person. I'm sure you have lots of friends, neighbors, and colleagues to socialize with. It's hard enough for me to find time for the people in my life who I enjoy. Unless those other parents have an effect on your child's friendships and education, don't bother with them.

+1. While I'm happy to make new friends through my kids schools, I barely have time to meaningfully connect with the friends I already have who I have genuine deep bond connections to. Since its not affecting your child's experience I wouldn't give it too much energy. I understand you being puzzled by it all, but women are cliquish. Right or wrong we tend to flock towards those that we feel similarly connected to. So, as a moderately overweight AA woman who is not into wearing heels and the latest fashions everyday, I probably wouldn't naturally gravitate towards the skinny Chics in the lad rest fashions all dolled up. I wouldn't purposefully exclude them from anything I was doing but they wouldn't be the first women I reached out to either. I find that like minded people generally connect with minimal effort, and when I look at my group of friends we all tend to be similar is some way whether it's professionally or socially.

All of that is to say, the group you are meant to be a part of and truly connect with you will naturally gravitate towards and naturally be accepted. If that doesn't happen that just means the other moms at the school aren't your type of people, and that's OK. Like PP said you sound like a great person and I'm sure you have plentiful of meaning relationships in your life already. Cherish and focus on those.

Sad, but all too true -- not just at schools, but in many settings -- even churches! As a fit and stylish Yankee, but not a blonde and skinny Washington ubermom type, I've found 2 reliable ways to make friends when confronted by the cliquey thing:

1) volunteer for anything but the auction-- you'll make lots of friends from different groups and the bonus is that they'll be the through-thick-and-thin types (sorry for the pun -- completely unintentional);

2) -- which can be combined with 1 above -- find the one "popular" (I can hear the song from "Wicked" in my head right now) and nice woman and make friends with her. Once you have that seal of approval, the others will be friendly -- or friendly enough -- and you can actually enjoy how perplexed they are that you made it into the inner circle.

[Anonymous]

I have been a lot of weights (range of 100 lbs) and one oddly nice thing about being on the bigger side is it's a great screen for the types of people you want to invest in. If someone is cold and distant when they first meet you, well, then you know that person is kind of shallow. Obviously weight isn't the only factor there, but believe me, anyone who's been really fat can tell you this social distancing is real. Anyway, friends I made at my fattest (like my husband, for instance) are the ones that are around for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fuck them. You sound like a nice down to earth person. If they can't look beyond the surface, they are not worth knowing. They sound like silly shallow sorority girls who never grew up (trust me, I have many "friends" like this and they are not worth your time).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably because they feel you have little in common and don't want to invest their time on new friendships. It is uncool, however, for them to be unfriendly and intentionally exclude you. The lifestyle and mentality of a lean healthy person is very different than an overweight person, in general. I see this firsthand when my overweight family members visit our ski vacation home, and it trickles down to the kids. Every detail of our day is affected from how we eat to what we do during the day. Having said that, this is not a private school issue, rather a cultural issue. I'm guessing you're a kind and smart person, in which case it'll just take a little more time for people to see what's underneath an want to have you as their friend.

Sadly, there is a lot of truth in this. After a lifetime of being slim and active, I gained a lot of weight from an illness. It is a different world! being fat. People are judgy. At our private there are VERY few fat moms. The couple that are have very outgoing personalities. Its just a skinny, dress up school with lots of beautiful people.

[Anonymous]

Seriously?
So it's not the fact that you have started at a new school where everyone else has been going for years and knows each other and has made friendships while you were at multiple other schools, but it's those darn moms who refuse to wear ballet flats for drop off that are so mean.

Come on people! These threads are getting so old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat. I do a lot of volunteer work. I have mom friends at school. Not super-close mom friends, but ones I enjoy chatting with at school functions or playdates. I think volunteering does help a lot. I'm an introvert and don't generally reach out, so volunteering makes me get out there and actually talk to people. I find there are cliques, but they are mostly because that's who the parents met first and who they feel comfortable with. Not necessarily because they are trying to exclude others.

And I also find a big variety in personalities, from the Maine, New Englander type mom who doesn't care about uber fashion like you are talking about, to the corporate lawyer who works all the time and is always in a suit, to the outdoor hiker mom, to the generic suburban mom. I think once you can break into a group and chat, you'll find a lot of difference, and that helps you find someone to click with.

I agree with this poster about there most likely being more variety among those you think are alike. I am actually in amazing shape, have never been fat and has a very hard time breaking into the social scene at our kids private school. I thought maybe some of the other women didn't like me because they were jealous! haha! I found volunteering to be an amazing way to break the ice. I started small and have worked into larger commitments. Now I feel very comfortable with how things are socially at the school, sure not everyone is a friend but I know lots of people and have even made some mom friends to get coffee/dinner with sometimes. Hang in there OP! Give it time and be patient with yourself and others. Also be sure to remind yourself that this is just your child's school, not yours all over again. Spend lots of time with your "real" friends and have a good laugh at some of the behaviors if warranted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a big three graduate, the fact that these situations exist is a huge reason we are going public. I genuinely don't believe the quality of the education is that much better and I don't want to put my children or my family in this kind of environment. And I'm actually pretty trendy and not overweight. It's just disgusting.

At any top public there will be very similar social dynamics, maybe even worse. Don't kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously?
So it's not the fact that you have started at a new school where everyone else has been going for years and knows each other and has made friendships while you were at multiple other schools, but it's those darn moms who refuse to wear ballet flats for drop off that are so mean.

Come on people! These threads are getting so old.

+1. Amazing how clueless some people are. Fat or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure you are a very nice person and would be great company. But to be honest, my friends are a reflection of me. To befriend you would make me look bad. Sorry. Just being honest.

Big 3 Mom

What? Is this serious? I can't begin to understand this "My friends are a reflection of me" - like, literally? They all have to actually look like you? How far does that go? If you're blonde are you allowed brunette friends? If you're tall are you allowed short friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure you are a very nice person and would be great company. But to be honest, my friends are a reflection of me. To befriend you would make me look bad. Sorry. Just being honest.

Big 3 Mom

You sound absolutely delightful. And you're teaching your kids some really valuable lessons too! Best of luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, shrug it off. These are miserable people. Better "fat" and happy than like them.

I'm really sorry, OP. I will tell you that as a "fat mom" (about 50 lbs overweight as well) who had a "hot mom" I worry about my own daughter and whether she was be embarrassed because I don't look like the other moms or whatever. But I also work (unlike a lot of the active moms in her class) and I'm older than most of them, so fat is kind of the tip of the iceberg.

It's hard. I didn't go to a big 3 but I did go to a local elite private and the women I graduated with who all send their kids there now are primarily shallow, thin, and the heels and makeup at dropoff types. They are also completely out of my socio-economic sphere and I'm ok with that, because the majority of them are shallow people. This is of course one data point, but as someone who knows those people well, I personally understand exactly how they make you feel and also what many of them are like.

Fuck them all. Love yourself. Love your child and teach her/him good values. It's hard to break into the social circle, I know, but volunteer there and build your own village. *hugs*