Reply to Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?

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[quote=Anonymous]NP here and I'm sorry I have not looked at the replies because I'm short on time but making time for this.

I did my law school paper on anti-stalking legislation--partly because I had a similar situation as yours--and in that process learned a lot about this subject, so I'm just going to quickly bottom-line it here.

The short story is you must stop all contact and sorry, I would change your name for publicized races for a while and actually not participate in any race that he knows you'd be at--he'll show up looking for you.

You must say something (do it in writing and keep a copy of the text or email so one can tell what the date was when you sent it--saying you do not want any more contact or communication from him.  This "starts the clock" running with respect to harassment or stalking (at least it did when I was in law school).  You have proof so it won't become he-said-she-said.

Then you MUST not fall into the trap he will lay, asking you why you don't want contact etc, so where you *communicate* with him all about why you don't want to communicate.  You have to say you are stopping contact, and then you MUST follow through and do NOT reply.  Make sure you fix your settings so that he can't see that your texts from him have been read.  Actually I'd just get another phone and phone number.

Please google "Intermittent reinforcement"--you have probably unwittingly been doing this to him, which is why he's getting more assertive.

Then, please google "extinction burst" which is about his future burst of attempts to engage in the old behavior before giving up.  Meaning, after you tell him to stop contact, expect a barrage of attempts.  Imagine a person at a vending machine who puts the money in and nothing comes out.  They don't just walk away--they always got something before when they put the money in.  So they start working the coin return, then escalate to hitting and kicking the machine, and then suddenly--they stop.  Extinction burst.

IF he ever threatens you, you must take it seriously.  Unlike celebrity stalkers, who tend not to threaten and then just show up one day to take revenge, in situations where people know each other, the threat is correlated to actually attempting it.

I don't like if he knows where you live--and from what I read in your OP, he knows your kids' school.  You must alert the school.  If he doesn't know where you live, he may try finding you at the school during drop off or pick up.  If you can have someone else pick up the kids (DH, carpool--pay for it) during this extinction burst period, I'd do that.  He won't recognize your kids and that is not his focus anyway.

Don't go to any races where he might be there, especially the race where you met him.

You are dealing with escalation, and doing what most all of us do; we downplay it because we think we have it under control--because we WANT to think we have it under control.  But OP it's NOT under control and it's only going to get worse until you take it seriously.

Hope this helps; good luck.[/quote]

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