Regretting taking the mommy track

[Anonymous]

I would be happy to be a "senior attorney" or whatever it is when you kind of stay at the law firm forever as a senior associate at this point.

You have completely out of whack expectations about your career. Even "counsel" or senior associate spots are incredibly difficult to get and maintain. Firms are firing these ranks to protect rainmakers, OP.

OP, you are definitely and completely resentful. And some of it is understandable, but what isn't is that you seem to take no ownership of your contribution to the issue. Your husband is not as stable an earner as you'd like or you think you'd be in left in the breadwinner role. That is a lot there, OP. Like I said, therapy can do wonders for dealing with resentment regardless of where you end up. GL

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP! I was one of the harsher posters earlier, but I was really just projecting. I understand what you are going through.

At this point I think you ought to try to detach from your husbands career - it will probably never be any different. Focus on what you can do.

Taking on a bigger role where you are now is the best thing you can do. Bloom where you are planted, and show people what you can do. Give it 6 months and then start thinking about how you can transition to something more stable or more highly paid. A law firm may not be realistic, but there ought to be jobs that will be decent. You aren't going to be partner - but did you really want that?

On a positive note, two mommy trackers I work with at my low paid nonprofit jobs have just transitioned to better jobs at probably a 50% pay increase. It looks like I will be doing so soon as well (fingers crossed). It can happen! But unless you really re-invest in your current job you may not be able to pull it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that got rude and unhelpful quickly. Thanks to the early responders. Complicated issue and like I said, I am not at the point of seriously considering divorce. But, the cycle of "this is the one, now we can just be stable" and then six months later, DH changing his mind, cannot be ignored at this point. I am having trouble mustering the strength to support him through more transitions. I really would be unable to quantify the hours spent discussing and coaching him through these, often to the detriment of my own work, which, for better or worse, is the most stable thing we have. Obviously I realize I can't just jump back into biglaw and make partner tomorrow; I believe I have described this as a risk several times and discussed potentially switching roles where I am now to make a bit more money. I also don't resent him for taking away my chance at "greatness"; I just wish I had stayed in a higher paying job. I would be happy to be a "senior attorney" or whatever it is when you kind of stay at the law firm forever as a senior associate at this point. I don't need to live in a mansion or drive a fancy car; I just would like some stability and not to worry about money a lot of the time. There just seems to be a lot of unnecessary stress in our lives, and I am lamenting my lack of foresight and considering how I might minimize the stress through my own actions going forward. Therapy doesn't really solve financial problems, although I agree it's always helpful to talk things out. Also, I am not sure therapy can erase resentment when you have to continue to live with someone who is not pulling their weight by anyone's standards. I'm not sure how calling me an asshole for dealing with what I suspect is a pretty common problem really helps.

What is your financial situation? Are you making sure you aren't spending too much money anywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP! I was one of the harsher posters earlier, but I was really just projecting. I understand what you are going through.

At this point I think you ought to try to detach from your husbands career - it will probably never be any different. Focus on what you can do.

Taking on a bigger role where you are now is the best thing you can do. Bloom where you are planted, and show people what you can do. Give it 6 months and then start thinking about how you can transition to something more stable or more highly paid. A law firm may not be realistic, but there ought to be jobs that will be decent. You aren't going to be partner - but did you really want that?

On a positive note, two mommy trackers I work with at my low paid nonprofit jobs have just transitioned to better jobs at probably a 50% pay increase. It looks like I will be doing so soon as well (fingers crossed). It can happen! But unless you really re-invest in your current job you may not be able to pull it off.

Thanks. Yes, in the few years I have been at my job, I have managed to get a very substantial raise, but I am still only working 75%. My first step would be to go to 100 in my current role, and then see about taking on additional responsibilities. Given the structure of my group and organization, I think this could be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would be happy to be a "senior attorney" or whatever it is when you kind of stay at the law firm forever as a senior associate at this point.

You have completely out of whack expectations about your career. Even "counsel" or senior associate spots are incredibly difficult to get and maintain. Firms are firing these ranks to protect rainmakers, OP.

OP, you are definitely and completely resentful. And some of it is understandable, but what isn't is that you seem to take no ownership of your contribution to the issue. Your husband is not as stable an earner as you'd like or you think you'd be in left in the breadwinner role. That is a lot there, OP. Like I said, therapy can do wonders for dealing with resentment regardless of where you end up. GL

I understand about those titles. I think I could have had one at my old firm, where I was a well-liked and respected associate, always earning excellent reviews, top bonuses, etc. I worked in top law firms in for a long time and I understand the market and my role in it. I am not saying just anyone could get that job; I am saying I could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that got rude and unhelpful quickly. Thanks to the early responders. Complicated issue and like I said, I am not at the point of seriously considering divorce. But, the cycle of "this is the one, now we can just be stable" and then six months later, DH changing his mind, cannot be ignored at this point. I am having trouble mustering the strength to support him through more transitions. I really would be unable to quantify the hours spent discussing and coaching him through these, often to the detriment of my own work, which, for better or worse, is the most stable thing we have. Obviously I realize I can't just jump back into biglaw and make partner tomorrow; I believe I have described this as a risk several times and discussed potentially switching roles where I am now to make a bit more money. I also don't resent him for taking away my chance at "greatness"; I just wish I had stayed in a higher paying job. I would be happy to be a "senior attorney" or whatever it is when you kind of stay at the law firm forever as a senior associate at this point. I don't need to live in a mansion or drive a fancy car; I just would like some stability and not to worry about money a lot of the time. There just seems to be a lot of unnecessary stress in our lives, and I am lamenting my lack of foresight and considering how I might minimize the stress through my own actions going forward. Therapy doesn't really solve financial problems, although I agree it's always helpful to talk things out. Also, I am not sure therapy can erase resentment when you have to continue to live with someone who is not pulling their weight by anyone's standards. I'm not sure how calling me an asshole for dealing with what I suspect is a pretty common problem really helps.

What is your financial situation? Are you making sure you aren't spending too much money anywhere?

No, I am spending money like water on designer clothes and a luxury SUV. Bad idea? Just kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you divorce him? There doesn't seem to be anything stopping you.

Kids and hope.

NP here. It sounds like there are some underlying marriage issues. I'm not sure what the best answer is but I saw my parents struggle thru this to some extent. They didn't have the same picture of the future. My mom is the brilliant one that turned down high paying jobs so she could be closer to the kids/work part-time. She also changed jobs fairly often. I think in an ideal world, she would have preferred to be a SAHM. My dad, wanted a lifestyle that could be afforded by two working parents and didn't have the same job opportunities as my mom. I'm not talking extravagant, but buying a house and not everyone having to share a room. It didn't help that he was a contractor so in good times he made good money but could also be unemployed very easily in a downturn. I think one of the PP mentioned in counseling they had to come up with each of their lists of goals and discuss them together. Maybe I'm being naive but I don't think my parents ever did something like that and came to a compromise. My mom could have kept the job paying $50,000 longer, maybe 3 years and that go towards building up a savings and they could have worked out a solution of what to do if one of the kids got sick and had to come home early (this was my mom's rationale for quitting and taking a job 15 minutes away that paid half). My dad could have agreed to renting longer or move to a smaller house where the kids had to share a room but my mom would have more flexibility with jobs.

If you and Dh can't come to some sort of communication and compromise together I would suggest counseling. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get the higher paying job with the current employer or look for an in-house legal counsel job. But unless you are content and accept that you will have to do everything , bring in all the money, work the hours you need to, do all the childcare, and basically be a married single mother AND hope DH doesn't spend your savings on a get rich scheme... for the rest of your life it is a matter a time before it all falls apart. Once you get too far down that road of resentment, it is hard to stay in love with the person and be able to turn things around. I've always thought the best thing to do if you are staying for the kids is to work on your marriage and strengthen that foundation for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get what you're saying re you could have been partner or counsel, were well respected etc but that ship has sailed bc you've been out for 5 yrs. But if you were well respected - have you kept in touch with any partners? Any that you're close with that you could reach out to to schedule a lunch and talk about on ramping? People who are in the industry will be the best ones bc they'll know -- such and such firm is staffing up or I heard the in house counsel at x company is resigning soon etc.

[Anonymous]

You can't blame your husband for not living up to you career expectations. That's on you.

You need to pursue your goals without making him into an obstacle.

No one has it all.

[Anonymous]

OP you said you think your DH knows how you feel about this, but are you sure he really understands the stakes?

Does he know that you feel as though you've made a sacrifice, or does he think you have nothing to complain about because you wanted to mommy-track? (Does he also think it's unfair that you get to decide when to mommy-track, but he doesn't get to decide when to chase a business venture?)

DH and I are lawyers too and I took the "mommy track" fed job expecting he would stay biglaw, but then he didn't. After a lot of passive aggressiveness and beating around the bush on both of our parts I've worked really hard to understand where he is coming from and be supportive but I've also explained to him that our old lifestyle (me doing most of the cooking/cleaning/childrearing) was something I took on because he was working longer hours and making more money than me, NOT something I took on because I'm the woman. It's a process, but things are getting to be a lot more equitable at home, but they never would have been if I hadn't directly addressed the issue.

It sounds like your DH, unlike mine, is financially unstable, so taking steps to make more $$ yourself makes a lot of sense for your family, but you should demand that he pick up the slack at home and be specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you divorce him? There doesn't seem to be anything stopping you.

Wow, PP. How much did you charge for sex before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.

I was a successful, ambitious and professional woman. I married an equally successful and ambitious man. I cut down my hours for the kids and am now a SAHM. DH earns close to $1 million but I am still resentful.

The successful women with successful husbands usually have multiple nannies raising their children. We did not want that for our children so I am home.

[Anonymous]

OP I took mommy track, SAHM for 6 years and found myself getting increasingly resentful and upset about my lack of career. My situation is different in that my DH more than pulls his weight, both financially and at home.
I luckily managed to find a good job after some extensive networking. It was tough to do though and i really had to devote a lot of my time energy and resources to it.
I think you can ramp up your career again - its hard but doable especially since you have been in the market. That is the first step. Once you do that you can reevaluate the situation with your husband.
Btw - i have a great nanny and very little of the mommy related guilt that im damaging my kids by working so that is a big factor in my decisions.

[Anonymous]

OP you were in biglaw expecting to stay as partner/counsel or senior attorney, what was your DH doing during that time? Was he also in biglaw and now has left to go be in some kind of investment realm? It sounds like you expected that he'd stay and make partner -- is that true?

You do realize that partnership isn't in anyone's hands -- not even the best associates out there. In the matter of a few months -- firms can go from saying "you're the best we're definitely making you partner this yr" to "sorry - you're not THAT good, it ain't happening and you can leave." These decisions are all about the finances of the firm, the ebb and flow of work etc. But to be on the "receiving" end of that decision can be horrific for some. I know I for one went into a -- I don't want to be a lawyer, I don't want to work hard ever again bc it never pays off for me -- funk. Now granted I didn't have a family to support so I had the luxury of that pity party, but it's been 18+ months for me and I'm just now starting to re-engage with my career a little bit -- and even now I know I have a long way to go get back to my old self that wants to commit and work hard and try to move up. Any chance your DH is in some kind of funk like that where he's feeling like his professional life is a waste?

[Anonymous]

OP you were in biglaw expecting to stay as partner/counsel or senior attorney, what was your DH doing during that time? Was he also in biglaw and now has left to go be in some kind of investment realm? It sounds like you expected that he'd stay and make partner -- is that true?

You do realize that partnership isn't in anyone's hands -- not even the best associates out there. In the matter of a few months -- firms can go from saying "you're the best we're definitely making you partner this yr" to "sorry - you're not THAT good, it ain't happening and you can leave." These decisions are all about the finances of the firm, the ebb and flow of work etc. But to be on the "receiving" end of that decision can be horrific for some. I know I for one went into a -- I don't want to be a lawyer, I don't want to work hard ever again bc it never pays off for me -- funk. Now granted I didn't have a family to support so I had the luxury of that pity party, but it's been 18+ months for me and I'm just now starting to re-engage with my career a little bit -- and even now I know I have a long way to go get back to my old self that wants to commit and work hard and try to move up. Any chance your DH is in some kind of funk like that where he's feeling like his professional life is a waste?

I tried to explain that to OP upthread. She isn't getting how capricious the legal industry is and how many "great" attorneys find themselves by the wayside even after giving 150 percent to their firms. It's brutal.

I think the bigger issue is that OP thinks she could have done it better than her DH and resents him for it. That was the fatal flaw in her choice to ramp down. Deciding to mommy track yourself was a personal choice and one OP doesn't own. Instead she blames her DH for either failing to be the success she could have been if she didn't sacrifice her career for the family or blames DH for not doing enough at home to effectively co-parent as a married dual working couple (although in biglaw, OP could have afforded to outsource enough, including white house nannies on sick days to avoid the latter gripe).

Nonetheless, this won't end well. It is almost a cautionary tale.