Regretting taking the mommy track

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest playing this out in your head or, better, on paper. If you do x, then y needs to happen/will happen. Really think it through.

I hate to say it but I think you need to start making career decisions that will support you on your own in the event of divorce.

Here is where I see this going. You are dissatisfied because you had a great, high paying job and your DH did too. Then you had a kid and all of the additional kid duties fell on you; DH did not step up. Your solution was to mommy track, with the expectation that this would make life manageable while DH kept earning $. Except that he didn't do that. So now you've given up your $ job, he's given up his, and you are still doing most of the house work and child-related work.

Now you are seeing the lack of financial stability and, understandably, questioning why you are in this boat given where you were 5 years ago. Since DH seems to have become a drain on, rather than contributor to, family finances, you feel like it's all on you to provide financial stability.

I think what is going to happen is that you are going to jump back onto the track you were on, and do fine there. Except that you are going to discover that DH still is not going to pull his weight at home and with the kids. So then you truly will be doing it all - financially supporting the family as well as maintaining the home and caring for the kids.

At that point, why on earth would you stay with a man who is willing to sit back and let you shoulder everything?

I must have married your DH's twin brother. My ex also did not step up when our child was young, and I also gave up a high paying job so that I could spend more time with our child and take on more of the house and child related work. When I went back to work after a few years, he behaved as if nothing had changed and did not take on more house/child related responsibilities. Then he lost his job due to misconduct, and still did not pick up the slack at home. He had checked out of the marriage and family, and, in true slacker fashion, left even the formal dissolution for me to handle.

Good luck, OP.

Thanks, PP. Yes, this is my somewhat pessimistic view of the situation. This also assumes I could reenter my old career. I think another option could be sort of switching roles in my current position to get on a slightly higher paying track there. They really like me, the benefits are amazing, and the more I think about it, the more growth potential there would probably be if I stopped signaling that I really want to be mommy tracked. With a loan from my parents to create some escape velocity, I could probably get by doing that, renting a place that would work for me and the kids, who are getting older and are therefore at school for full days and probably would not even mind aftercare. This sounds a little overwhelming and I am really not there yet, but I completely agree that I need to go through the flow chart. We have a big family vacation coming up with my parents and siblings. I am hoping all the support helps me think through things a little more clearly.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear all of this OP.

Your DH should take more responsibility regarding keeping the home fires burning and not leave it all in your hands. Sadly, some men find that women should do the majority of household duties along with childcare. While I do not agree with that stance, if that is his belief then he needs to fulfill a man's role and up his game career-wise.

It's only fair.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I am going to give it to you straight even though you should know better. The legal industry is a mess and people are either getting laid off or finding their careers completely stagnant. Knowing this, with a two attorney household, you should expect that your husband's ability to be a super duper earner is shaky at best.

And don't pretend your earning ability is rock solid either. Your decision to mommy track yourself wasn't a but for event. You were just as unlikely to make partner or be a big shot as he was.

But that's neither here nor there. What the problem is -- you have an expectation that because you mommy tracked yourself and sacrificed your "Greatness," your DH better be a crazy success. That's not only unreasonable, it's stupid because of the reasons I put above. The legal industry is a mess and making big bucks without connections (and I mean hella connections) is a game of lotto.

I am going to guess you have spent years fuming about your wasted potential. And I am going to guess that you are incredibly resentful of your DH because if you weren't running everything at home, you would have been that success story he isn't.

You need to take responsibility of your own future. You need to let go of the resentment and really be a partner.

Your DH also needs to get his head out of his ass. He's probably depressed because he's not the success he was expected to be. He's probably under an incredible amount of pressure and that is a big reason men disengage. No one wants to feel like a loser. They don't want to face the reality so they pull away. And we make it easy for them by pushing them right out the door (you already have a foot out, OP. Honey, take a breath and check yourself before jumping into single parenting land).

Therapy, OP. For yourself first to deal with resentment. And for your DH separately to deal with his failure to be the success he probably desperately wants to be. And together to see if you two can reconnect and let go of what things "should be" and build on what things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.

Regarding your first paragraph, how well does anyone ever know another human being?

[Anonymous]

If your marriage is in a downward spiral, you could be headed towards divorce. In that case, you need to be looking out for yourself. I would start looking for a more lucrative job, because you are going to need the money. Your finances trump the loyalty to your present job.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm in your shoes- I mommy tracked my career 5 years ago, and am now (late 30s) making half of what I did at my entry level job at a law firm at age 26....10 years ago! I am also feeling the strain of not having the resources I need/want, especially now that my kids are in school and will have their own after school activities, I am ready to re-engage! But I am choosing not to live "life in regret" and am super glad to have had the chance to be "there" for my kids over the past few years....the challenge will be changing tracks.... I feel like career search will be a second full time job...

Focus on your job search now, not the larger state of your marriage (see a therapist for that to deal with what you want to do). I would be logistical/practical and realize it is a "win" to get back in big law (or other higher paying job) regardless of the outcome of whether you stay in/out of your marriage... I would keep an open mind, it sounds like your husband may love you a lot still but may just be less motivated.... Divorce is very destabilizing to a career (I have been there) and you will be able to transition back on track better if you have a stable personal life for now.....

I'm on moommy track still but getting ga live-in to move in next month so I can be prepared to "jump jobs" to something more full time if the opportunity arises...

GOOD LUCK. YOU CAN DO IT. Be glad you didn't totally quit your job...it is WAY harder to get back on track after leaving a job entirely than to ramp up to a full time position....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.


Regarding your first paragraph, how well does anyone ever know another human being?

Exactly. Expectations like this aren't love. You are just expecting this person to be a reflection of yourself. That's the essence of narcissism.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm in your shoes- I mommy tracked my career 5 years ago, and am now (late 30s) making half of what I did at my entry level job at a law firm at age 26....10 years ago! I am also feeling the strain of not having the resources I need/want, especially now that my kids are in school and will have their own after school activities, I am ready to re-engage! But I am choosing not to live "life in regret" and am super glad to have had the chance to be "there" for my kids over the past few years....the challenge will be changing tracks.... I feel like career search will be a second full time job...

Focus on your job search now, not the larger state of your marriage (see a therapist for that to deal with what you want to do). I would be logistical/practical and realize it is a "win" to get back in big law (or other higher paying job) regardless of the outcome of whether you stay in/out of your marriage... I would keep an open mind, it sounds like your husband may love you a lot still but may just be less motivated.... Divorce is very destabilizing to a career (I have been there) and you will be able to transition back on track better if you have a stable personal life for now.....

I'm on moommy track still but getting ga live-in to move in next month so I can be prepared to "jump jobs" to something more full time if the opportunity arises...

GOOD LUCK. YOU CAN DO IT. Be glad you didn't totally quit your job...it is WAY harder to get back on track after leaving a job entirely than to ramp up to a full time position....

This is such a healthy response. GL, PP and congrats on owning your choices and moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You seem to be someone who's wayyyyy too focused on work as a measure of worth and a path to happiness. Relax. Play some video games with your husband. Life will be fine.

Yeah, I read that too as "my husband isn't doing enough to supply me with the lifestyle that I demand and deserve."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.


Regarding your first paragraph, how well does anyone ever know another human being?

Exactly. Expectations like this aren't love. You are just expecting this person to be a reflection of yourself. That's the essence of narcissism.

BUT BUT BUT HE'S REALLY SMART! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME WHEN I SAID HE HAD EXCELLENT GRADES FROM GREAT SCHOOLS? HE'S REALLY REALLY REALLY SMART!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I am going to give it to you straight even though you should know better. The legal industry is a mess and people are either getting laid off or finding their careers completely stagnant. Knowing this, with a two attorney household, you should expect that your husband's ability to be a super duper earner is shaky at best.

And don't pretend your earning ability is rock solid either. Your decision to mommy track yourself wasn't a but for event. You were just as unlikely to make partner or be a big shot as he was.

But that's neither here nor there. What the problem is -- you have an expectation that because you mommy tracked yourself and sacrificed your "Greatness," your DH better be a crazy success. That's not only unreasonable, it's stupid because of the reasons I put above. The legal industry is a mess and making big bucks without connections (and I mean hella connections) is a game of lotto.

I am going to guess you have spent years fuming about your wasted potential. And I am going to guess that you are incredibly resentful of your DH because if you weren't running everything at home, you would have been that success story he isn't.

You need to take responsibility of your own future. You need to let go of the resentment and really be a partner.

Your DH also needs to get his head out of his ass. He's probably depressed because he's not the success he was expected to be. He's probably under an incredible amount of pressure and that is a big reason men disengage. No one wants to feel like a loser. They don't want to face the reality so they pull away. And we make it easy for them by pushing them right out the door (you already have a foot out, OP. Honey, take a breath and check yourself before jumping into single parenting land).

Therapy, OP. For yourself first to deal with resentment. And for your DH separately to deal with his failure to be the success he probably desperately wants to be. And together to see if you two can reconnect and let go of what things "should be" and build on what things are.

Excellent take, good for you for telling it like it is. Too many people treat their partners like shit and then run to this forum expecting a pity party. This woman's an asshole and she needs to be told that.

Just another reason to never get married...and not become a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest playing this out in your head or, better, on paper. If you do x, then y needs to happen/will happen. Really think it through.

I hate to say it but I think you need to start making career decisions that will support you on your own in the event of divorce.

Here is where I see this going. You are dissatisfied because you had a great, high paying job and your DH did too. Then you had a kid and all of the additional kid duties fell on you; DH did not step up. Your solution was to mommy track, with the expectation that this would make life manageable while DH kept earning $. Except that he didn't do that. So now you've given up your $ job, he's given up his, and you are still doing most of the house work and child-related work.

Now you are seeing the lack of financial stability and, understandably, questioning why you are in this boat given where you were 5 years ago. Since DH seems to have become a drain on, rather than contributor to, family finances, you feel like it's all on you to provide financial stability.

I think what is going to happen is that you are going to jump back onto the track you were on, and do fine there. Except that you are going to discover that DH still is not going to pull his weight at home and with the kids. So then you truly will be doing it all - financially supporting the family as well as maintaining the home and caring for the kids.

At that point, why on earth would you stay with a man who is willing to sit back and let you shoulder everything?

I must have married your DH's twin brother. My ex also did not step up when our child was young, and I also gave up a high paying job so that I could spend more time with our child and take on more of the house and child related work. When I went back to work after a few years, he behaved as if nothing had changed and did not take on more house/child related responsibilities. Then he lost his job due to misconduct, and still did not pick up the slack at home. He had checked out of the marriage and family, and, in true slacker fashion, left even the formal dissolution for me to handle.

Good luck, OP.

You chose him.

[Anonymous]

You should have your husband evaluated for ADHD. He doesn't seem to have any focus.

and if you do decide to divorce him, make sure you do it before you get a better-paying job, or he's more likely to get alimony. (or more alimony.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sigh. I am going to give it to you straight even though you should know better. The legal industry is a mess and people are either getting laid off or finding their careers completely stagnant. Knowing this, with a two attorney household, you should expect that your husband's ability to be a super duper earner is shaky at best.

And don't pretend your earning ability is rock solid either. Your decision to mommy track yourself wasn't a but for event. You were just as unlikely to make partner or be a big shot as he was.

But that's neither here nor there. What the problem is -- you have an expectation that because you mommy tracked yourself and sacrificed your "Greatness," your DH better be a crazy success. That's not only unreasonable, it's stupid because of the reasons I put above. The legal industry is a mess and making big bucks without connections (and I mean hella connections) is a game of lotto.

I am going to guess you have spent years fuming about your wasted potential. And I am going to guess that you are incredibly resentful of your DH because if you weren't running everything at home, you would have been that success story he isn't.

You need to take responsibility of your own future. You need to let go of the resentment and really be a partner.

Your DH also needs to get his head out of his ass. He's probably depressed because he's not the success he was expected to be. He's probably under an incredible amount of pressure and that is a big reason men disengage. No one wants to feel like a loser. They don't want to face the reality so they pull away. And we make it easy for them by pushing them right out the door (you already have a foot out, OP. Honey, take a breath and check yourself before jumping into single parenting land).

Therapy, OP. For yourself first to deal with resentment. And for your DH separately to deal with his failure to be the success he probably desperately wants to be. And together to see if you two can reconnect and let go of what things "should be" and build on what things are.


Excellent take, good for you for telling it like it is. Too many people treat their partners like shit and then run to this forum expecting a pity party. This woman's an asshole and she needs to be told that.

Just another reason to never get married...and not become a lawyer.

Thank you. I was the quoted PP and I really think they both need a splash of cold water. I don't know if OP will ever read (or care about) my advice, but I hope it helps someone pull their heads out of their ass.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that got rude and unhelpful quickly. Thanks to the early responders. Complicated issue and like I said, I am not at the point of seriously considering divorce. But, the cycle of "this is the one, now we can just be stable" and then six months later, DH changing his mind, cannot be ignored at this point. I am having trouble mustering the strength to support him through more transitions. I really would be unable to quantify the hours spent discussing and coaching him through these, often to the detriment of my own work, which, for better or worse, is the most stable thing we have. Obviously I realize I can't just jump back into biglaw and make partner tomorrow; I believe I have described this as a risk several times and discussed potentially switching roles where I am now to make a bit more money. I also don't resent him for taking away my chance at "greatness"; I just wish I had stayed in a higher paying job. I would be happy to be a "senior attorney" or whatever it is when you kind of stay at the law firm forever as a senior associate at this point. I don't need to live in a mansion or drive a fancy car; I just would like some stability and not to worry about money a lot of the time. There just seems to be a lot of unnecessary stress in our lives, and I am lamenting my lack of foresight and considering how I might minimize the stress through my own actions going forward. Therapy doesn't really solve financial problems, although I agree it's always helpful to talk things out. Also, I am not sure therapy can erase resentment when you have to continue to live with someone who is not pulling their weight by anyone's standards. I'm not sure how calling me an asshole for dealing with what I suspect is a pretty common problem really helps.