Regretting taking the mommy track

[Anonymous]

To make a long story short, I quit my high paying job 5 years ago and regret it as the worst mistake of my life. I was in big law and now am in a legal position that is flexible, enjoyable, still somewhat prestigious, but pays much less. My DH, who seemed from the beginning to be smart, capable (still is), and destined for success, has turned out to be kind of lazy and always in search of a get-rich-quick scheme. I have known him for 15 years; he did exceptionally well in school (full scholarship to excellent college starting at age 16, years later went to law school--top of class--great jobs; extra law degree, LLM--again, top grades, jobs). Basically he is always switching jobs and although good at practicing law, does not really like it, always prioritizes other things, is always looking for something better, wasted a bunch of our money trying to start a company. So, now we are renting a small house (used to own), seem to always worry about money and spend countless days/months/weeks strategizing about his ever-changing career, my job seems to be the most steady thing we have, and I do most of the work around the house and nearly everything for the kids, too. I quit my job to be with the kids more. I am in a bind now because a) it would probably be difficult to go back to my old career; b) people at my job now are counting on me and it would be hard to leave (obv I could but it would burn bridges etc); and c) I still do most of the childcare and do not feel confident that my husband could/would do that well. He just feels so unreliable and I feel like our priorities have diverged. I know the kids have benefited from my being more available, but I wonder if they would be better off with the financial security I could have offered them by staying in big law. I knew DH was not the most stick-to-it guy, but his smarts always seemed to carry him and he always could get any position. Now he just seems so lazy to me and doesn't seem to want the success he could have had. I wish I had just been that person for my family. I should not have handed over that role to him, but I was doing everything for the kids, too, while we were both working at firms and something had to give. UGH. So depressed. Thanks for listening. And yes, I believe he is well aware of how I feel. The marriage is kind of in a downward spiral because of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are feeling powerless to get closer to the life that you want, and that it is making you very bitter and angry.
That is totally understandable. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Please do not beat yourself up. You don't have a crystal ball, you didn't know things would turn out this way.

I think what you need to do is figure out how to make more money. It sounds like you will feel better if you can make active steps to control the destiny of your own life. You might not be able to transition back into big law, but you don't have to stick to the low pay flex job either.

You have a whole life ahead of you build a beautiful life. It may not be completely optimized in the way you imagine that it might if you had taken a different path, but that doesn't mean it won't be great. Plus, things might have gone wrong in some other unanticipated way had you stayed on the earlier track.

Hugs to you. Don't reflect on your marriage or your husband until after you start to take some steps to feel like an active player in your destiny again. After you feel that, you will likely be less resentful in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

That stinks. just know that you made the best decision at the time. There is no telling that life would be any easier if you stayed at your firm. However, your dh needs a swift kick in the butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To make a long story short, I quit my high paying job 5 years ago and regret it as the worst mistake of my life. I was in big law and now am in a legal position that is flexible, enjoyable, still somewhat prestigious, but pays much less. My DH, who seemed from the beginning to be smart, capable (still is), and destined for success, has turned out to be kind of lazy and always in search of a get-rich-quick scheme. I have known him for 15 years; he did exceptionally well in school (full scholarship to excellent college starting at age 16, years later went to law school--top of class--great jobs; extra law degree, LLM--again, top grades, jobs). Basically he is always switching jobs and although good at practicing law, does not really like it, always prioritizes other things, is always looking for something better, wasted a bunch of our money trying to start a company. So, now we are renting a small house (used to own), seem to always worry about money and spend countless days/months/weeks strategizing about his ever-changing career, my job seems to be the most steady thing we have, and I do most of the work around the house and nearly everything for the kids, too. I quit my job to be with the kids more. I am in a bind now because a) it would probably be difficult to go back to my old career; b) people at my job now are counting on me and it would be hard to leave (obv I could but it would burn bridges etc); and c) I still do most of the childcare and do not feel confident that my husband could/would do that well. He just feels so unreliable and I feel like our priorities have diverged. I know the kids have benefited from my being more available, but I wonder if they would be better off with the financial security I could have offered them by staying in big law. I knew DH was not the most stick-to-it guy, but his smarts always seemed to carry him and he always could get any position. Now he just seems so lazy to me and doesn't seem to want the success he could have had. I wish I had just been that person for my family. I should not have handed over that role to him, but I was doing everything for the kids, too, while we were both working at firms and something had to give. UGH. So depressed. Thanks for listening. And yes, I believe he is well aware of how I feel. The marriage is kind of in a downward spiral because of it.

You seem to be someone who's wayyyyy too focused on work as a measure of worth and a path to happiness. Relax. Play some video games with your husband. Life will be fine.

[Anonymous]

This seems really easy. Work your way back into big law. Sure, it will take a while but you have the drive. Have him find part time / contract work and be a SAHD. Everyone will be much happier.

[Anonymous]

Have him read his needs, her needs. My Dh used to be the same way. Our marriage almost ended over his constantly jumping jobs and our being in financial limbo. I wouldn't focus too much on the fact that you left your big law job, just try and move forward with improving your future.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PPs. OP here. Yes, I do think I need to make more money. I have doubled my salary at my job but am only at 75%. Going up to 100% would probably be a good start (slightly more complicated than just making that election because we raise $ to pay me). I am hesitant to do that if what I really need to do is think about leaving for a better paying thing entirely. Then I would worry about the kids and would have to hire a lot more help so it would cut into the additional income. Obviously you can tell I am feeling trapped. Thanks for the support. I will keep weighing my options, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To make a long story short, I quit my high paying job 5 years ago and regret it as the worst mistake of my life. I was in big law and now am in a legal position that is flexible, enjoyable, still somewhat prestigious, but pays much less. My DH, who seemed from the beginning to be smart, capable (still is), and destined for success, has turned out to be kind of lazy and always in search of a get-rich-quick scheme. I have known him for 15 years; he did exceptionally well in school (full scholarship to excellent college starting at age 16, years later went to law school--top of class--great jobs; extra law degree, LLM--again, top grades, jobs). Basically he is always switching jobs and although good at practicing law, does not really like it, always prioritizes other things, is always looking for something better, wasted a bunch of our money trying to start a company. So, now we are renting a small house (used to own), seem to always worry about money and spend countless days/months/weeks strategizing about his ever-changing career, my job seems to be the most steady thing we have, and I do most of the work around the house and nearly everything for the kids, too. I quit my job to be with the kids more. I am in a bind now because a) it would probably be difficult to go back to my old career; b) people at my job now are counting on me and it would be hard to leave (obv I could but it would burn bridges etc); and c) I still do most of the childcare and do not feel confident that my husband could/would do that well. He just feels so unreliable and I feel like our priorities have diverged. I know the kids have benefited from my being more available, but I wonder if they would be better off with the financial security I could have offered them by staying in big law. I knew DH was not the most stick-to-it guy, but his smarts always seemed to carry him and he always could get any position. Now he just seems so lazy to me and doesn't seem to want the success he could have had. I wish I had just been that person for my family. I should not have handed over that role to him, but I was doing everything for the kids, too, while we were both working at firms and something had to give. UGH. So depressed. Thanks for listening. And yes, I believe he is well aware of how I feel. The marriage is kind of in a downward spiral because of it.

You seem to be someone who's wayyyyy too focused on work as a measure of worth and a path to happiness. Relax. Play some video games with your husband. Life will be fine.

The roller coaster of financial issues is the main issue. Not really worried about prestige, work title, etc. Financial security is a path to happiness, and insecurity a maddening life of stress.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way OP! You made the best choice you could at the time, don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems really easy. Work your way back into big law. Sure, it will take a while but you have the drive. Have him find part time / contract work and be a SAHD. Everyone will be much happier.

Thanks. Yes, I think he would be happier because he would rather sit around while the kids are at school playing the guitar. I would be happier with the control over our financial future. However, the house would be a wreck and I would miss the kids and worry about their fulfillment. So, I would be miserable in some ways. Would be a trade off

[Anonymous]

While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To make a long story short, I quit my high paying job 5 years ago and regret it as the worst mistake of my life. I was in big law and now am in a legal position that is flexible, enjoyable, still somewhat prestigious, but pays much less. My DH, who seemed from the beginning to be smart, capable (still is), and destined for success, has turned out to be kind of lazy and always in search of a get-rich-quick scheme. I have known him for 15 years; he did exceptionally well in school (full scholarship to excellent college starting at age 16, years later went to law school--top of class--great jobs; extra law degree, LLM--again, top grades, jobs). Basically he is always switching jobs and although good at practicing law, does not really like it, always prioritizes other things, is always looking for something better, wasted a bunch of our money trying to start a company. So, now we are renting a small house (used to own), seem to always worry about money and spend countless days/months/weeks strategizing about his ever-changing career, my job seems to be the most steady thing we have, and I do most of the work around the house and nearly everything for the kids, too. I quit my job to be with the kids more. I am in a bind now because a) it would probably be difficult to go back to my old career; b) people at my job now are counting on me and it would be hard to leave (obv I could but it would burn bridges etc); and c) I still do most of the childcare and do not feel confident that my husband could/would do that well. He just feels so unreliable and I feel like our priorities have diverged. I know the kids have benefited from my being more available, but I wonder if they would be better off with the financial security I could have offered them by staying in big law. I knew DH was not the most stick-to-it guy, but his smarts always seemed to carry him and he always could get any position. Now he just seems so lazy to me and doesn't seem to want the success he could have had. I wish I had just been that person for my family. I should not have handed over that role to him, but I was doing everything for the kids, too, while we were both working at firms and something had to give. UGH. So depressed. Thanks for listening. And yes, I believe he is well aware of how I feel. The marriage is kind of in a downward spiral because of it.

Is money really the problem though? Money is a resource. The real problem, based on your description, appears disappointment of failed expectations. This is a result of poor communication.

What you guys need to do is sit down and talk about your short term and long term goals, hope & dreams. Each of you make a list for each other and share them. Then reconcile that list and think of goals collectively for the family.

My wife and I did this during marriage counseling and it definitely helped clear-up resentment. Like it or not, your SO is going to continue to change, as will you. The trick is understanding and working to accept your SO for who they are. That is unless of course, you really don't want to. Thats another matter.

[Anonymous]

How much did he lose because of the business venture? I think he needs to put that much back in the pot, but I don't think anyone can force a spouse to become a higher earner indefinitely. People get bored and burned out and I can see not wanting to be trapped in biglaw forever. What's his big picture dream? With two potentially high earners you can achieve almost anything. You took the mommy track for a reason and if you hadn't you might have bigger regrets right now. You can work your way back in if you want to. Do your big picture dreams fit with your husband's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I hear this type of complaint from a lot of ambitious, professional women. It seems like even if she is successful, she still expects him to be even more successful. Few women are OK with less ambitious men.

Probably true, although if he were at least as ambitious as I am about the kids, then I might be able to see him in the role of SAHD and happily go off and make the money. I used to do 100% of kids's stuff. I am down to about 75-80. So he is not successful and can't seem to take over at home. Hard to respect....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

I'm sorry, but this is terrible advice. People's ambition levels change throughout our lives for various. Same goes for sex drive, interests & passions, etc. If you marry someone thinking their ambition will remain static then you are in for a world of disappointment.